Random rants and sputtering comments

Better than you

2012-01-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

So I don't blog on a regular basis any more. Big whoop. Happy new year, I guess, now let's get down to business.

By which I mean coffee business.
My darling has a friend with a Nespresso machine. It requires those fancy cartridge things. There is a Nespresso store in the middle of Oslo that sells them. Since I work in Oslo, the friend asked if I could pop by and buy her some. No problem at all, was my response. I figured I'd just go in, get the 3 types she wanted, pay and GTFO.
No.
Not at all.
Let me just say that if you're reading this, you probably have a general idea concerning my appearance. As I walked into said store, not only did the employees give me the "Are you lost?" look, but it felt like the building itself gave me one too. Said employees were all in official uniforms, by the way. Fancy, well-kept uniforms. So after a few moments of feeling extremely lower-middle class, I go further into the store. I spot the packs of coffee. They're behind the counters. There are strict-looking employees in official, fancy, well-kept uniforms behind all of them. All 8 of them. After another pause on my end, I start moving towards the closest one. I stop as I notice the screen on the wall. The screen showing what number they are serving now.
I panic.
I go back to the entrance, locate the queue-number-ticket-machine and stop panicking. This earns me several "Aww, ain't you the cute one!" from several employees following my every move.
So now I'm waiting in line. On my ticket it said 0579. The screen on the wall said 0541. After 5 minutes of looking at fancy people getting service from fancy employees, the screen said 0544. One lady, who like me did not know about the queue system, walked right up to one of the counters, but before she could even open her mouth the snooty-looking woman behind it asked to see her queue-ticket. When the lady said, in a very confused voice, that she didn't know there was a queue-system here, she was directed towards the entrance and the ticket-machine then promptly ignored. Luckily, there were a few "empty" numbers. People who gave up on the quest for better coffee, I'm guessing. So I only had to wait in line for 30 minutes. While standing there, I memorized what types of coffee I was getting (Ristretto, Livanto and Indriya, if memory serves), so that I could walk up to the counter, hand over my queue-ticket, get the coffee, pay and GTFO.
Suddenly it's my turn and I find myself walking towards the counter labeled 'B'. The snooty-looking lady awaited me with a slightly arched eyebrow. I say hello, hand her my ticket and when she asks what she can do for me, I place my order. I thought I was doing great!
I wasn't.
She gave me an arrogant smile and asked me: "Do you want tubes or cartons?"
Flabbergasted, I almost said: "No, I want coffee."
Feeling quite sure that would have gotten me evicted from the store, I instead gave her the eloquent reply: "Umm...?"
The arrogant smile deepened. It was time for visual representation. Turns out, I wanted the tubes.
Great, now I can pay and seriously GTFO!
The snooty lady asks me about my membership.
Lewd comments sprang to mind, but I withheld them all! *proud*
I said I didn't have one. She asked if I wanted to sign up. I said no. She gave me a "that's what I thought" nod of the head.
The tubes were placed in a fancy bag, I paid and got the fuck out of there.

I know I've been playing the "Ugh, I'm a man and I don't like these fancy new things! I like simple things! RAAAH!" card a lot here, but it was a seriously unnerving experience for me!

Down with the sickness

2011-11-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

So I've been in a pretty stressed and exhausted state for a while now. I relaxed a little by the time we had all the stuff over at the new place, which is something I should not have done. Since my immune system decided to come along for a bit of R&R and as a consequence that cold I had been nurturing would get fuck-all resistance. And it didn't. I know my body pretty well, and I called work on Sunday afternoon, letting them know I would be too busy getting rid of my own body-weight in snot and sweat (lovely, huh?) to come to work. I didn't go to work today, and I won't be showing up tomorrow either. Oh, what fun! I'm pretty sure most of you are aware of the phenomenon known as Man-Cold (also a hilarious YouTube video), which - for the most part - sums up men when they catch even the tiniest of colds. I'm certainly no exception; my darling dreads my sick-days more than I do (and I do dread them, I hate being sick!)

I've been good though! This was more pure fatigue than a cold (though the cold made VERY certain to let itself be known), but I've been productive-ish. We finished cleaning out the old place (mostly because our old land-lady was annoyingly picky when it came to that) and I've been helping out here, setting things up, mostly. I've also watched a lot of Farscape! Because I haven't watched it in ages, and it seriously is one of the best sci-fi shows out there!

We still have no internet here, and I'm beginning to feel it. I've set up my smartphone as a wireless access-point just so I could write this entry on my trusted laptop (Ye Gods, I've missed typing on a keyboard, even though it hasn't been that long, but if you're reading this, I'm sure you can understand/relate).

I had a good friend of mine over for a visit yesterday. He dug up my guitar from all the boxes, bags and assorted pieces of furniture. He knows how to play the guitar. He reminded me that I should really improve my own ability with the instrument. I've been telling myself that since I got the thing, which is a few years now. Who knows, maybe this time I'll actually get my hairy behind into gear and do something about it.

Hmm. This turned into a bunch of random things. Oh well, I blame the slightly cooked brain. Now if you'll excuse me, my rather stuffed nose is informing me that I have a date with some tissues (which should totally have bulls-eyes on them!)

Crawl through knives

2011-11-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

We are done moving. Every last piece of heavy and/or difficult furniture (not to mention the washing machine from hell) got moved yesterday. That in itself felt very good, but we still have to clean the old one and do the unpacking etc... in the new one. On their own neither are that bad, but we want it done asap AND we're both working. Mix this together and you get a very tired but happy couple.

I think I'm happy, at least I'm too busy not letting the fog in my brain ger the better of me, and ignoring the screams of pain and fatigue from my everything (like the title says; crawl through knives, that's what it feels like). Once we're actually done with all the work and I get a chance to breathe, I'm sure I'll be the happiest swede around.

Now I'm off to drink (even more) coffee and try not to have a black-out at work.
More updates to come!

Moving on

2011-10-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

So, my darling and I are moving, as some of you 9 readers already know. And I hate it. I hate it so very, very much. There's this place far down in my soul where I keep the fire and rage, and I save it all for moving places.
When you're all settled in and it's nice and cozy, I'm the happiest little nerd around, but the actual moving... You know, fire, rage, that kind of thing.
We started moving today, All Hallows Eve. I toyed with the idea of dressing up as either the Hulk (but that would have been very cold for my hairy man-nipples) or Hercules (the Kevin Sorbo version), but I lacked some of the costume pieces (had the Incediarydent not happened, I could have whipped something up). With those ideas out the window, I just carried heavy objects while grunting like a real man as myself. Not as "In the spirit of the day" but with fewer odd looks shot my way.

Here's the kicker though: I hate moving, I love books. I'm guessing some of you have at some point lifted a moving-box filled with books. We managed to fill 7 boxes with books (not all the same size, mind you), but ye Gods above, not something I enjoy doing. But I do love my books with a bubbly squee! And considering the Incendiarydent, I'm quite proud of the 7 boxes part!
Anyhoo, I carried those boxes and made them my bitches (bitches better recognize! Recognize!)
*cough*

Aaaanyways...
Tomorrow is The Big Move.
Where we will deal with the furniture and other various large objects.
And the computers at some point.
Meaning no internet until we get it up and running at the new place. Probably won't take too long, but when you're a person like me (read: nerd), you get sort of used to always having it around. Oh well, hooray for smartphones!
Now let's survive this sonofabitch!

Zombie Inc

2011-10-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well, that turned to shit sooner than I thought.
The whole "gonna start updating my blog more often" thing.
Whenever I sit down to actually make a new post, I turn into this mental zombie; all cleverly thought out ideas and funny things to say turn into these undead little mind-fart who develop this incredible urge to shuffle towards the nearest human settlement. I might be exaggerating that analogy a wee bit, but you know what I mean. My point is that I find it hard these days to sit down and write something that I would enjoy writing. I don't like that, because despite what I claim here from time to time, I do like writing the entries. As I read them afterwards, they might seem like the stupidest thing ever said in the entire history of stupid, but I DO enjoy writing them.

I think my problem (well, when it comes to this, anyways) is that I like my wall-of-text entries. There's something about going: "See that big-ass wall-of-text over there? Yup. That's mine!" that really appeals to me.

Maybe I should try start making shorter ones and work my way back that way?

Sorrow

2011-08-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure anyone reading this is aware of what happened in Oslo on July 22nd. I was at work (in Oslo) the day it happened. I was very far away, and down in the basement when it happened, but a colleague of mine who sat right next to the entrance said it was like lightning striking.

See, I had this really long entry planned. But then I waited too long, and now it's slowly slipping away, as are the emotions behind the thoughts. What remains is: I know we're supposed to feel sorry for all the lives lost, and that most of them were children or young adults.

Side-track!
I have never been a big fan of juveniles (and I believe I have been rather vocal in that), but not only dragging them into something like this, but also making them the main target, is not only low but also pathetic. Politics (well, sort of) were behind his reason and the juveniles were at a summer camp for a norwegian political party (Arbeiderpartiet), and they were all politically active, but c'mon! They were frakkin' children, they're young and stupid! Annoying, yes. Reason enough to kill them: hell no.
A pathetic attempt at scare-tactics (and based on what I've seen these past few weeks, a tactic that didn't really work).

Anyways!
The main reason I wanted to do this entry was to say this:
I just can't summon the will to feel bad. At all. I'm sick and tired of hearing the different stories and interviews, I'm sick and tired of all the pictures and videos and the gorramn neverending stream of StalkerBook invites to events where you hold something arbitrary to show your semi-support.
And while I'm on the subject of videos:
There was this really famous video of a guy running into the building that got destroyed, looking for survivors. Noble, right? Oh sure, it was very noble and heroic of him (no sarcasm!), but the deed got somewhat lessened by the fact that he kept one hand firmly on his (I'm guessing) cellphone the entire time.
(I also have a thing or two to say about so called "heroes")

The one shining beacon in all this though, is the least likely one of all. Jens Stoltenberg, the prime-minister. Before all this, I would give him no more attention than some mildly unpleasant smell, but I think that he's been doing good work ever since it happened.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna turn into a person who actually starts paying attention to politics (I vote for the swedish Pirate Party, and that's that), I'm just saying that I've gotten a lot of respect for the man.

So there you have it.
Yes, it was a terrible thing that happened, but I just don't care. I really don't. I've asked this question of a few other people, might as well pose it here aswell: does this make me a bad person?

Hello, Hooray

2011-07-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

This entry is way over-due, but I hope you understand why as you read.

13 days ago I got to see one of my child-hood idols live. None other than Alice Cooper. He was the warm-up act for Iron Maiden, at the Telenor Arena in Oslo. I felt it should have been the other way around, but I know Maiden are a bigger band.
I mean, I like Iron Maiden, they have a bunch of great songs, but they've never been one of the big ones for me.
Alice Cooper on the other hand... I first started listening to him/they back in 1991. The album was Hey Stoopid, which was released on July 2nd. I can't remember if the friend who got it first got it straight after release (I doubt it), but I was around 7 years old at the time. In other words, I have been waiting 20 years to see Alice Cooper live.
It was fething awesome! Did he/they play all songs I wanted to hear? Of course not! I'm not sure that even happens at concerts (apart from that The Darkness concert I saw once; at the time they only had the one album out, so they just basically played that). I didn't care. For one glorious hour, I was 7 years old again, trying to learn the english lyrics for Snakebite (he didn't play that one, but you know what I mean).
And of course, no matter the artist, shock rock is a fantastic genre.

Now then, on to Iron Maiden.
Like I said earlier, not a big fan, but I don't mind it either. And I wanted to see them live, because they're supposed to be one of the greatest live bands in the world. When the band came on stage, the fans went fucking mental (much like I would have done when Cooper came on stage). They started of with some new songs (I think) that I hadn't even heard, so I wasn't really rockin' along, nor having a good time - which I will get to why shortly. But ye gods, those old guys have energy! I pretty sure that all members of Iron Maiden could beat me at any physical competition! Exaggeration, of course, but you see what I'm getting at. The exception to the exaggeration is, of course, Bruce Dickinson. That... old man is insane in the brain! No one his age should be allowed to have that much energy.

Now then, why wasn't I having such a good time? The wound in my back, of course. It had been acting up all that day, but I sucked it up, because I was going to see Alice Cooper live, gorramnit!
Anyways!
I stayed until the 5th song by Maiden, and by then I knew staying any longer would be a really bad idea. So I said farewell to my bro, and started limping my way towards the nearest bus-stop. And of course, the last song I could hear as I was leaving the area was The Trooper, one of the songs I REALLY wanted to experience live.
But it was either leave or faint.
Oh well, with their energy, I'm sure they will be back again and again and again. And I will be there, gaping wound absent!

Also, I got a suggestion yesterday: take my roleplaying dice and let them decide what I'm going to do that day. In other words, d4, d6, d8, d10, d12 and d20 (I would include a d100, but no... just no). I would have to assign values to each number, for each die, and set in which situation each die should be cast. And then blog about it.
Could be fun. I have a lot of days off coming up.

The thing that should not be

2011-07-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth is a great horror game. Yeah sure, it has its FPS moments, but mostly you are running around with what could be cleaner underwear. One of the actual tag-lines for the game was: "Don't look behind you, just run!"
By the time I played the game, I was well known with the Call of Cthulhu universe, and "just run" is pretty solid advice!
Did I take it?
Hell no!
At first I did. There's something chasing you, and you just run and try and find a safe place. But after a while you start to wonder if catching just a glimse of said thing would kill you. The answer is yes. The game is designed so that as long as you are running (in the right direction) the things chasing you will always be half a second away from getting their hands/tentacles/claws/paws/whatnot on you. And like in most games, you run faster when facing forward. Turning around to catch that aforementioned glimse will get you nothing but a facefull of Shoggoth (no, really!)

So anyways.
Last night I caught a glimse.
12.15 PM yesterday, I had to go back to the hospital, just to change my bandages and to make sure everything was looking good. My mom was there. If it was maternal instinct or professional curiosity that drove her there, I couldn't say. Anyways, I'm on my stomach and the friendly nurse is changing my bandage. My mom looks over to have a look and proceeds to tell me: "It's a good thing you can't see this. It's not as bad as it looks, and I've seen worse, but there's no need for you to see this."
At first I listened to my mother. I thought: "Ok, she's a professsional, she's been doing her job for almost 30 years, she knows what she's talking about."
And then I got home. We're back to the second sentence of this section.
The wound had to be cleaned, meaning I had to take off my bandage. I thought I'd do it in front of the mirror. "So that I can see what I'm doing", I told myself, while my subconscious said "Whatever you say buddy, now let's have a look at it!"
And so I did.
And then I had a wee panic-attack.
Then I calmed down.
Then I had another panic-attack. Just a wee one.
Then I calmed down again. I've been doing sort of alright since then, but I'm still in the "Not cool! Not cool!!" phase.
Some pictures were taken. Pictures I have not looked at yet. Because I believe that would freak me out, again. In time, I'll be showing them to people who ask to see them, but if no one wants to, I will not blame them. Not one bit.

It is... unnatural.
But at least now I know why the actual surgery took 1,5 hours.

Under the blade

2011-06-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

First of all: my lower back is fucking kiling me! The nice lady at the hospital gave me some painkillers though, so s'all good!

Now then. I better start at the beginning of this whole shebang. Or, from my first trip to a hospital. My regular doctor was on holiday that week, so I got this nice guy in his 50's. He had a look at it and immediately knew it had to go.
Now then, I was on the surgery-list to have the damn thing cut out of me, and I was told that they had an opening in november (this year). For those of you who don't see me regularly: this thing fothermucking hurts! Or, it used to hurt. Still not used to it being gone. For the last 10 days I have been in pain, almost constantly. It's not as fun as emo-kids would have you believe. Also, (and I won't go into details here) there was pus and blood, all day - every day.
Back to the nice doctor. He wrote the medicalese version of a note from your mother, told me to go to the hospital with it (a 10 minute walk) and get it done that very day. I got there and had to wait for 40 minutes. Then this lady doctor comes to get me. Now then, I wouldn't call her a dyke, because I know some who are nice. Ish.
Anyways, she stuck a needle in one of the openings of the wound and squirted some liquid in there. And that was it, she didn't think it was serious enough to do something about then and there, and that she had "probably" fixed the whole thing by cleaning it out. If I was lucky (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha), the gorramn thing would close itself and that would be that.
This was on a friday (the 10th of this month). Saturday I was going drinking with friends from work.
Saturday morning: no pus and hardly any blood. 'Alright', thought I, 'maybe the bint knew what she was doing!'
Sunday afternoon, getting home to my own apartment: no pus and hardly any blood. 'Fukken sweet!', I told the mirror.
Then came monday morning: It was back, with a vengeance. So I go back to my regular doctor (who is now back from vacation) and he tells me there is little that can be done except wait for my turn, either until november, or a hospital 1,5 hours away who could squeeze me in by the end of august.

I said fuck that and took the manly way out!
I... called... my mother!
My mom works as a Surgical Nurse. She is also the day-time boss of her ward. In other words: my mom got pull, yo! On the 23rd, just 6 days ago, I had an appointment to have it cut out, where the doctor told me: 'Whoa, that one is a lot bigger than we though it was...'
See, how they normally do this is: local anesthesia around the infected area, cut cut and done (which I believe I said in an earlier post... why I'm telling you again will be very clear in a few moments). They told me they would most likely temporarily paralyze me from the waist and down (since the fucker had spread that way).
And as you know, today I had the surgery. I showed up, 5 minutes early, and was let in, 5 minutes early! (insert emoticon signalling surprise here)
Anyways, I got undressed and put on shirt and pants they gave me. I was given some light painkillers (Paracetamol) and then I was let into the surgery room.
Oh yeah, no local anesthesia for this boy! Oh no! I was going under! All the way, baby! One (very nice and helpful) person in the room inserted an IV-needle, and he onlky got it wrong once(!), and then the mask came. Take deep breaths, they told me. I did. I took several deep breaths. And then I took some more deep breath. The time was 10.55. Some more deep breaths were taken by yours truly.
Fuck me, I thought. It's not working. It's not affecting me. I'm one of those freaks! This is going to be one long ass-...
The time was 14.45.
I was lying on my sides in a recovery room. I had (and still do) a band-aid the size of a small shopping-bag on my lower back and my pants were gone.
Instead of pants, I had briefs on. But they were like a wifebeater shirt. You know, see-through. So there they were, my rod of command and hairy gravy-bags.
Not my sexiest moment ever, but... I gotta say: not my worst either.

It was about 15.00 when the open wound on my back (and it will remain open, so that it can heal from the "bottom" of the wound and up, had they sewn it shut, it would have been back in a matter of days) annouced to me that it was time to start hurtin'. And like an angel from above, a nurse appeared moments later, asking if I needed something for the pain. I managed a yes. She gave me morphein. She gave me three shots of morphein (and it was needed). I'm still not down on earth, I fear. Hence the repeating myself (more than I usually do).
If there are a lot of misspellings and grammatical errors, I'd love to point the finger at my brother's crappy laptop keyboard, but how many times do you get to blame it on drugs, eh?

Recovery time of something like this is usually 2-4 days. I'm on sick-leave for 2 weeks. Should give you some indication on how big this thing actually was.

I'm a rocker

2011-06-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

So, I was going to write this a few days ago, but things got in the way. And by things, I mean beer. Beer got very much in the way. I went on a man-date with my bros, we visited this pub that serves proper fish 'n' chips (with vinegar) and they have a god-like sellection of beer. 14 different types of beer on tap and somewhere between 70 and 100 different types of bottled beer.
The next time we go there, we will bring a notebook and pen, sit down by the bar and ask the person working behind it: "So, what beer do you have starting with A?". And so on and so forth.
The only two drawbacks with this place are the populatiry (but with such a grand gathering of beer; well fuckin' duh!) and the prices. Totally worth it though!

Anyways!
What I was going to write about: Judas Priest!
I survived the concert. I was standing about 2 meters away from the stage, and towards the end, when the band tossed plectrums and drum-sticks out into the audience (I didn't catch any) and just about everyone surged forward, there were a few close calls.
I went there alone. Some might say that's a bit sad, but I honestly didn't care. I was there for the music, and the music alone (and had I managed to catch a plectrum or a drum-stick, I wouldn't have complained). I was going to go with my brother, but he had to work, sadly. And I'm the only one I know who really, really, really, REALLY loves The Priest! I'm sure I have friends who love the band, I just don't know about it. I did have a bit of male bonding with a stranger in the audience though! During the song Beyonds the Realms of Death, this long-haired dude turned around towards me, started singing along and poking me in the chest while doing so (it was a very non-provocative poke), so I started giving him the same poke while singing along, male heterosexual eye-contact maintained. When the concert was over, we hugged (mandatory slaps on the back included, of course), and that was that.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's start from when I entered Oslo Spectrum (the concert hall). I moved towards the centre of the stage immediately, ended up next to this couple who were giving eachother the noisy, sloppy kisses (either a fling or just got together, either way, they wanted us all to know how much they wanted to bang right there on the floor) and just waited for the show to start. They were playing background music, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, stuff like that. The last song they played before turning the stereo off was War Pigs by Black Sabbath (from the Paranoid album), and this just happens to be my favorite song by the band. So I thought quietly to myself: "fuck it, I don't know anyone here, I love this song, I'm singing along, loudly".
Let me just do my signature move and side-track for a moment here.
Oslo Spectrum holds roughly 10,000 people (9,700 according to wikipedia, but I've always been a big fan of rounding up). And the place was packed on said evening! I don't know if they sold out, but it wouldn't surprise me.
Anyways!
I'm there, about to share my horrible singing voice with the room. And so did a few thousand others. I believe this will be as close as I ever get to spontaneously breaking into song with a large group of people, and it was one of the weirdest and most awesome experiences I have ever had the good fortune to... well, experience!

So!
The curtain dropped, and The Priest start doing what they do best. One of the guitar-players, KK Downing, left the band only a few months ago. My inside gossip says KK wanted to quit after they were done with this tour, the rest of the band wanted to at least keep recording. It sucked the biggest of balls knowing he would not join the band for one last tour (I'm actually hoping that Judas Priest does not pull a KISS or Rolling Stones), but I got to see the band some years ago. Glenn Tipton was still there though, and ye gods that old geezer can play the guitar!! The entire frikkin' band really know what they are doing. I could of course be a bit subjective on this matter. Subjective or not, KK or no KK, I was there for the tunes, which I believe I mentioned earlier.
Starbreaker, Painkiller, Nightcrawler, Beyonds the Realms of Death, The Sentinel, You Got Another Thing Comin', Turbo Lover, Judas Rising, Diamonds and Rust, The Green Manalishi. I got to hear them all live, one last time (and yes, I am aware that the last two songs I mentioned are covers). There was only two songs I wished they would have played: Between the Hammer and the Anvil and I'm a Rocker.
Anwyays.
Towards the end of the show, things got a wee bit philosophical/metaphorical for me. The third and last encore song was Living After Midnight. A pretty tame song, by Judas Priest standards, but it was the very first song I heard by them (somewhere back in the 90's). You know, that whole "it ends where it begins" kind of deal. It is quite possible that there was a tear or two in my eyes towards the end there.
It was a beautiful evening for me. My body had taken a beating it was not used to (and I think there are very few bodies out there who are) and my mind was overloaded with awesomeness.

I leave you with this one:

Enjoy!

Comfortably numb

2011-06-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

To use a rather english expression: I've been feeling under the weather for a few days. Since monday evening to be more accurate. It started off with a sore throat and a stuffed nose. A duffed dose, if you will. Anyways, I think the fever decided to show up today (I haven't found a thermometer or someone willing to touch my forehead to confirm, so I'm guessing) and what jolly fun it is! Especially since I'm working 9,5 hours each day. 10,5 tomorrow. And today and tomorrow being two of the most busy days in all of June just sweetens the deal.
I don't know the actual number, but I think I had to keep an eye on a total of 4,000 tourists today. Henry Rollins once said: "The difference between a traveller and a tourist is: a traveller doesn't know where he's going, a tourist doesn't know where he is." (I think I said that in a previous entry some time back, but I really CBA to check). Anyways, I feel that mr. Rollins wanted to be pretentious and label himself this really cool and philosophical traveller, but what I take away from that quote is this: Tourists are fucking retarded. There's one thing they all forget on their pillow back home: their brain.
Usually I have no problems with dealing with this. Nice colleagues and friendly tourists weigh up for all the stupid and rude ones by far. However. When I'm dizzy and semi-delirious due to my body wanting nothing more that to give everybody the very mental finger and go to sleep on the floor, I'm a bit more on edge. If I wasn't so busy trying not to fall over, I'm pretty sure the urge to tear throats out with my teeth would have been very present by the end of the day.

Like I said, normally I can deal.
One such way is spreading my wonderful sense of humor around.
*cough*
*cough cough*
Now then. About a month ago, I told a colleague a rather horrible pun (I can't remember which one; why will be rather obvious in a moment). Like with any "good" pun, he groaned and then he said the one thing he really shouldn't have said: You can't deliver horrible puns every day, you know?
...
Challenge accepted!
So every day since that day, I've been delivering really horrible puns (and I have this vague sensation that they keep getting worse). Since I don't work with said colleague every day, I just keep delivering them to whoever is working that day, much to their soul and mind-shattering dismay.

Now then, I don't often tell horrible puns to my group of friends (by which I mean the guys I roleplay with, essentially) or to my darlin'. With the guys there's bad jokes, but they're usually that: jokes. And my woman puts up with enough of my shenanigans. I don't want to add more insanity to that scale.

On a different note: it's been a while since I reviewed some good porn. I think it's about time I did something about that! I'll find something juicy (but should you have something in mind, let me know!)

Still alive

2011-05-23T02:26:00.001-07:00

Not doing science, but I feel fantastic. And I'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure that most of you heard that The Rapture was set to happen on saturday (the 21st), but - once again - there was a lack of naked people in the sky.
Now, I get faith. I really do. But at some point you have to look back and realise that something is off.
The Rapture was set to arrive in 1884 for the first time. Obviously, it didn't happen (because, as I'm sure you all know, 7 years after The Rapture is when The Return and God's Final Judgement is set to happen). Jehovah's Witnesses claimed it would happen in 1914, then 1918, then 1925 and then in 1942. But then for my favorite one: a pastor by the name of Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus "would probably return in 1981". Probably. It just gets me gigglin' like nothing else that. "I don't want to stand here and guess when out Lord will return... but yeah, maybe!" And just picture the 'yeah, maybe' part said in a really high-pitched voice!
Anyways!
The ones set to happen in 1988 and 1989 are not only hilarious, but also and excellent example of the gullibility if people. 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988 is a book by Edgar C. Whisenant, published the same year. Next year, he publishes a new book, this one explaining why it's going to happen in 1989. And people bought them both.
Next time it was set to happen was 1992, and then in 1993 - 7 years before the year 2000, and that seemed to be the only proof most prophets needed that year.
In 1994 it was set to happen on the 9th of June AND the 6th of September (9.6 and 6.9, I know, I know).
And then there was 2 days ago.
The next one is predicted to happen in 2060, by Sir Isaac Newton. I don't think he was being seriuos about it, he just did the math.
What I'm getting at here is: for how much longer are people going to believe in this? If you are going to listen to people who predict things, or speculate for a living or something similar, I get if they seem credible if they have been close to getting it right, but with The Rapture there is no middle ground! Partial leaving of clothes and partial ascending to heaven doesn't really count, does it?!
I like the partial leaving of clothes though.

And speaking of doing things half-way. Two and a half...-man... wa- ok ok ok, that was fucking retarded, and I am better than that!
Anyways!
We are still going to talk about the booze-for-brains that is Charlie Sheen. I won't even bother listing what's been going on with him lately, everybody friggin' knows! What boggles me is; why does everybody love him? Why do all men just want to fist-bump him, claiming that he's currently winning at life? A friend of mine told me that he said in an interview not long ago that he was not bi-polar, but "bi-winning. Win a little here, win a little there!"
I don't get what the world sees in him. He is arrogant, a wife-beater, despite what he says - clearly bi-polar and he hasn't been sober since the 80's.
On an episode of Simpsons (while we're talking about things that used to be good, hey-oh!) Homer is watching a documentary about sharks and he comments on how black and life-less its eyes are, then he starts channel-flipping and ends up watching Two and a Half Men, and uses the same description of Charlie Sheen's character... Charlie. And it's true!! They are black, soulless pits that shows no emotions!
And it's such a shame too! Watch the Hot Shots movies, especially Hot Shots 2 when he does the Sylvester Stallone face!

Oh well, that's just me venting.
Just like Charlie Sheen's conscience, there's nobody listening.

(zing!)

That thing I always do

2011-05-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

I forget.
That's what I do.
I keep forgetting this blog.
Which I keep saying I won't do anymore.
Heh, let's scratch that one up as a metaphor for somethign awfully big and important (like... say... that thing over there!) and get on with it?

Under the Blade is a kick-ass song by Twisted Sister. It was one of the major songs back in the 80's that brought that whole shitload(tm) of negative attention towards heavy metal. The song that started it all was, as I'm sure you know, Suicide Solution by Judas Priest (where you can, supposedly, hear the words "Do it" over and over and over again... if you play it backwards). Bill Hicks asked the million dollar question when it comes to this: "What performer wants their audience dead?" Mr. Hicks also said that if you sit around and play records backwards, looking for satanic messages... you're Satan!
But anyways!
Back to Under the Blade. This (fine piece of) song got bashed something bad. Because? Becuase it's so frikkin' clearly about S&M. There's absolutely nothing wrong with songs touching that area (*waggle, waggle*), but that's just me and my tiny opinion. Anyways. Mr. Dee Snider, the singer of Twisted Sister was asked to come to court and make his defense. He gladly accepted.
The lawyers and their housewives (who were the ones behind this whole fuckfest of ignorance) expected to see a headbanging rocker with gravel for brains. What they got was a headbanging rocker with a mind sharper than a scalpel.
Anyways, he sits down and shoots their illogically crafted arguments down, one by one, and at some point he tells the courtroom (which is PACKED) that the song has nothing to do with S&M, but that he wrote it for the guitar-player of Twisted Sister when he was in the hospital, having throat surgery.
Oh! Before I forget!
The lawyer and housewife who were spearheading the whole thing: Al Gore and his missus (whatever the fuck her name is again). The only reason I'm mentioning Mr. Gore and his cum-deposit is this:
Mr. Snider ended his speech by saying (and I'm para-quoting at best):
What's so great about song-writing is that you can put your own thoughts, ideas and dreams into it and allow people to interpret it in different ways. Mrs. Gore was looking for Sado-Masochism and she found it.
Did I mention Al Gore was in the room when this was said?
Best ZING! ever?
Quite possibly so.

Now why the hell did I decide to talk about this?
Well, I'm having my first bit of surgery done in november this year. Nothing big at all, it's just this wee lump on my lower back that has to go. My doctor told me it was a vein that had some sort of deficiency (there was a very fancy medical term for it, it started with an f). Aparently, it could have had the deficiency since I was a wee boy (or even a fetus), but it decided to start acting up now.
November.
Local anesthesia.
Scalpel, snip snip and done!

It seems like such a sissy thing now that I look at it in writing. I might actually lose man-points from this. I mean, my brother spent almost two days in the hospital with an intense stabbing pain in his stomach. Not because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, but because three experts disagreed on what was wrong with him. My dad had a disc protrusion in his spine some years back, and he screamed like I've never heard anyone else scream before. My brother endured almost two days of blinding pain and my dad couldn't stand for a month. I'm having a wonky vein snipped off. I suppose I could tell people (who don't read this crap) that it was attached to my spine and that I could have been paralyzed and that they found it in the nack of time! Or maybe not. I'm all for embellishing, except for the truth.

8 days ago, my mom had surgery. They found a lump. It was a benign tumor. They said everything would go fine, but (and I know some of you can relate here) it doesn't exactly help on the nerves. Today she was rushed back into the hospital, and I haven't heard anything since that happened. The last thing my brother said to me on the phone, some 4 hours ago now was that there was nothing to worry about. But not exactly helping on the nerves.

Only a year?

2011-04-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

A year, and one hour from now, today, my girlfriend called me and told me the apartment was on fire. It's really strange, because it feels longer. Sometimes it feels like it didn't happen at all. Almost as if the incident has taken the form of a mythological story to tell people, crouched around an open camp-fire.
This is in no way a "poor wittle me" post, life is awesome and full of good things. This past year has been one of the best ones I've ever had. Sure, I miss the stuff and I still have this nagging feeling when I go out: "Did I turn to oven off?" (STRANGELY enough).
But things are good! I'm slowly re-building my little corner of nerd-vana. Soon, I'll have it back to it's former glory(?).

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy my day off! Painting Warhammer miniatures, playing games and scratching my hairy, manly ass!

Fuck fire!

The art of making people crap their pants

2011-04-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Once again, we're talking about horror movies.
See, last night my darlin' and myself visited a friends-couple (couple-friends?). We had some snacks, the ladies had some soda and us manly men had beer and scratched our balls and talked about the vagina. Stuff like that. Anyways, the purpose of the evening was to watch a movie. We ended up watching a norwegian movie called "Fritt Vilt III" (the english title of the series is called "Cold Prey"). It's supposed to be a horror movie, but like most "nutjob with sharp and pointy objects" horror movies it fails rather horribly.
Like the title says, it's the third installment in the series, and it's a prequel. How the murderer became mr. fruitloop.
So, in the movie, back in the 70's this kid was living with his mom and an abusive step-father in this hotel faaaaaar up in the norwegian mountains (Jotunheimen, in case you were wondering). Finally the abuse from the step-father and the pacifism from his mother makes him snap and kill them. Cue the 80's, horrible music included. 6 hip and young people want to go up into the mountains and spend a night in the abandoned and creppy hotel. And from there, it pretty much unravels itself.
All 4 of us sat there and made fun of the stupid youngsters. I guess it's pretty easy to say "Man, if I was being chased by a psychopath, I'd do this and that and that" when you're sitting in a comfy couch, sipping a beer. But c'mon! There's letting panic controll you, and just being a fucking assbrain.

A few days ago, my sweetie and myself watched Scream 4. Don't ask me why. But there we are, me hoping that this one will actually be good. Of course, it wasn't. Same deal as the previous Scream movies: douche or douches in the scream-masks and a knife going around killing young and attractive people. And the killer/killers turns out to be the person or persons you weren't thinking of at the time.
Anyways. It did raise a point regarding horror movies that I did not agree with one frikkin' bit. One of the young and attractive people says that she enjoys psycho-killer movies better than monster/alien/whatnot because the psycho-killer thing could actually happen. I see her point, I just don't agree. It just sounds like a rehearsed line (which... it is, but you know what I mean) which is supposed to educate the youth in what makes a good horror movie. And me being the headstrong wanker that I am, I automatically disagree when I feel like I'm being preached to. But stubborn or not, I like to form my own opinion.

There is another reason I don't agree.
In these kind of movies you always get to see the killer, most of them from the very start. Even if it's a supernatural killer, like Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street.
I have always enjoyed horror movies where the killer, monster, alien or scary thing in the shadows is never even shown. The best example (that I've seen) is a movie from 2002 called "Darkness". Most people didn't really care for it, but it's one of my all-time favorites. Mostly because the movie lets your brain scare yourself. You know there are some F'ed up S hiding somewhere, but you won't get to see it. I haven't seen it in years, because it scares the living shit out of me, but there is one scene that I will never forget.
One of the main characters is walking through the house where the movie is mostly set, and it's dark, freaky dark. Anyways, she's got a flashlight as her only source of light. In this scene she's standing still, the flashlight shining in her face and partly at the ceiling. And for what can not be more than one second, there's this humanoid thing with freaky white skin, freaky black hair and looking slightly female. Her/its' back is to the ceiling, and she/its' walking along using her feet and hands, it looks creepy like FUCK, and she/it is gone before you realised she/it was there. But the main reason I really remember this scene is because I didn't notice the female-analogue thing until the third time I saw the movie. And I'm not embarrased to tell you this, but when I realised what I had just seen, I was instantly covered in goosebumps and I almost pissed myself (no, really). And that's what makes it so great, by the time your brain lets you know there's something incredibly creepy above you, it's long, long, looooong gone.
Cloverfield managed to pull this off too, mostly at least (and I really like that movie!). We need more good monster movies.
We need more good horror movies in general.
Ok, fine.
I need more good horror movies.
In general.

Trainular activities

2011-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Gloiven glaiven!
As most of you probably know, I take the train to get to work. It takes me about 35-40 minutes to get from where I live to Oslo. I don't mind it at all, actually. I get a lot of reading done. And as I've mentioned; music to drown out the noise of the frikkin' world.
Now then. I am fully aware that not all people share my taste in music, especially the kind of people who take the same train as I do. Anyways! This has led me to discover how to really ruin the morning of (most) people. So far it has worked, at least.
I find that it works best without planning ahead. Just sit down and let it happen if it happens. Here's how it goes: (and I don't turn the volume up for this experiment, I just like it that way) Every once in a while, someone will ask you to turn down the volume a teeny weeny bit. Normally people (myself included) will get annoyed, but nod with a fake smile and turn the volume down a teeny weeny bit. What you do instead is say to the person: "No, I'd rather not. But tell you what: I'll move away from you." Put your headphones in again and move to another free spot, or even better: stand, if none are avaliable. Ruins their morning: yes! Petty: yes! Fun: Oh yes!

Thank you, thank you.
Now, for my second act...
Something I've been planning to blog about for almost a year. My girlfriend's dad was visiting. He was taking her and her brother to Oslo. I was working that day, so we were gonna meet up and get the same train back home.
A couple of seats in front of us was an islamic woman of african descent (my two main clues were her dark skin and the hijab she was wearing), facing us. After a few stops this norwegian man gets on the train and sits down close to her. He had facial hair of +24 intensity and was dressed like a 1800's folk singer. Fiddler (but not The, of course!) would be a good word.
Anyways!
He does not waste any time in chatting this woman up. I couldn't really make out the words, but the fact that he was hitting on her was about as obvious as an Elton John dress in a room painted black. It was also fairly obvious that she wasn't that interested in the vanilla-stick he was offering.
Anyways, he had to get off before her, and accepted that he would not be eating chocolade candy this evening gracefully.
But then the weirdest thing happened! When she was all alone again, and thought that no one was watching (heeh heeh heeh heeh heeh) she turned her face to the side, smiled to herself and bit her lower lip!
I am in no way whatsoever an expert on women, but I have it on good (well, female anyway (don't hurt me!)) authority that that means that she likes a guy!
Right?
Right?!

Anyways.
The romantic optimist in me hoped that they somehow got together in the end and had loads of secksings.
I was really trying to come up with a good (and original) euphemism for a black and white person doing it, but it was taking too long. And you must never force these things!

Left to my own devices

2011-03-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

My darlin' left for London on saturday morning with her best friend. They wanted 4 days of girl-time. I believe the argument "OMG! Shoppin'!" was used and I had to admit defeat.
Well, not really. They've been talking for ages of going somewhere together, so when they had the chance, I was the first one to say "Go!".
Like I said, she left saturday morning, she spent the night with her friend. I had the weekend off. This leaves a man with options. Options are dangerous, before you know it they sneak up behind you and punch you in the spine. Thankfully, I had next to none, which I realised saturday evening apparently also covered nutrition. "Starving to death in front of the bread-box", I believe is a fitting expression.

Anyways.
What DID I do? Well, I've been re-watching the original Star Trek series. Once I was done with that, the logical step is "The Next Generation". Again, the series is not new to me, I just love it to bits! I've been watching Star Trek since I was 9. I was the only one in my class who would (openly) admit that I liked it. I wasn't picked on for liking it, mostly because in the teeny tiny village I come from we didn't know what a Trekkie was.
An expression I have no issues with, by the way. Call me a trekkie, or a trekker (in case you are wondering: trekkie is the insult one); you wouldn't be wrong with either one, I think. My point is: I've been a Star Trek fan for the most part of my life, there's nothing to be said to change that.

And did I just sit there and watch TNG?
Of course not!
Since I knew I would be left to my own devices come friday evening, I got my nerdy hands on Star Trek Online.
I know, I know. Watching Star Trek while playing a Star Trek game. Heck, even I will call myself a trekker on this one. Or maybe phreak? Both?
To quote a friend of mine: "Care-package..."
Now then. Star Trek Online.
It's... good!
I know a few people who played it for a while and then quit. The main reason was over-population (there's only 3 servers: english, french and german). I guess being a Star Trek fan helps. But here's the weird thing: I made my character, even wrote a short bio for him (something I usually never do upon character creation in MMO's), did the intro-quests and then started playing the game. 30 minutes in to actual play, a roleplayer contacted me. And before you knew it, I was one of the founding members of a new Fleet (which is STO-speak for guild). Not all members are roleplayers, but all the officers are, and *most* of the rank and file. I don't wish to speak ill of my new-found fleet-mates, but I can easily imagine all of them being american trekkers, fapping along to their female characters. Also, american fan-boys of any genre makes it really easy to pick on them. Something they might want to work on.
Anyways!
There are a lot of opportunities for roleplaying. You can, at any point (unless you're engaged in a combat mission (quest)) enter the bridge of your ship. And you can move about the ship. There's the bridge and captains room, there's engineering and medical, personel quarters and lounge. And! You can invite people over to your ship.
Game-wise there's space and ground missions. Space combat and exploration, ground combat and exploration. Then there's investigation missions, which really tickled my fancy.
I could actually see this game holding me for a while.

Also, the archaeologist at work, a sarcastic and awesome lady approaching her 50's gave me the vulcan salute when she left work on friday.
Like I said, awesome lady!

Haven't you ever seen one?

2011-03-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

A while back, a friend of mine suggested I watch RoboGeisha and see if there's a blog-entry somewhere in there.
Mira, this is for you. Sorry about the delay.

First of all, it's listed as Action / Comedy / Sci-Fi on IMDB. I saw traces of all three genres, so I have no beef with that. My problem is that I'm not sure where the actual comedy is. I'll point these occations as I get to them.
And why do I have such problems? Because it's japanese (or JPNESE! if you want to pronouce it correctly) movie! Ye Gods, those guys are a weird bunch! Yes, they have probably advanced technologically faster than any other country the last 100 years or so, and if not, then at least in the top 10. But they still have this extreme sense of discipline and honour. Mix this with all the gadgets they produce, the manga - Gods Below, the FUCKING manga! There's a wall of text from my part waiting to happen - and their sexual (read that as fetish) culture makes for one grand bowl of "keep that the fuck away from me!"
Of course, I -know- there are more factors, and not as simple as I just described it here, but there's a reason why I brought these 5 topics up: they really stick out in RoboGeisha. That, and they are stereotypical. It does not take a lot of imagination to make a stereotypical japanese person. I might do so a few times during this entry, let me assure you there is no rascism behind it. And let's face it, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.
Let me also say that the way japanese people hold conversations in movies, novels, manga and tv-series really, really, really bug me! The way they constantly go: "O...o...oh!" whenever they're unsure or caught off guard (and it is every single fucking time, you know it!), whenever they are wounded, out of breath or in an awkward situation, they will stutter words beginning with the letter 'k', and always 3 times, have you notices? "K...K...Kaska!", for example. And most annoying of all, the way they (male, for the most part) go "HaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaah?!" whenever something unusual is happening, or the sight of panties.
What the fuck is it with japanese men and panties? Could someone please explain this to me? Don't get me wrong, the sight of a pair of panties enunciating a pair of buttocks is quite the sight, but these guys have turned it into a friggin religion!
Hmm, I should probably calm down and get on with the review before I burst something vital, shouldn't I?
Also, for this "review" I filled 10 (count 'em) pages in my notebook with scribblings, key notes and para-quotes. There was hardly a moment during this cry-fest that my pen was idle. So let's get on with it.

The groans start with the opening credits.
As the title of the movie shows up (in big metallic letters, of course) a deep JPNESE! male voice says: "Robo! Geish! RoboGeish!" (notice the lack of 'a'). Actually, there was a sound (sort of 'eh' and 'uh' mashed together) at the end, but barely audible. If you know how to speak english with a stereotypical janapese accent, you'll know what I'm talking about.
Anyways, the actual movie start off with a geisha having a ceremony for someone important in a suit. We find out rather quickly that he's a politician. After a few moments a gang of his peeps enter the room and inform him that they have recieved a message that if he doesn't withdraw from the election (for the position of prime minister of Japan) within the next 3 minutes, he will be killed. So of course he decides to do fuck-all, sends his boys out and starts dancing a dance with the geisha. He ties his tie in front of his eyes and they start singing about baseball (Japan... *groan*). After their JPNESE! mating dance is done with, he proclaims his love for the geisha and that he wants her to be his, his "sweet-mama", to quote the subtitles. Anyways, it turns out that the geisha is the assassin, the robotic assassin. We find this out when the politician starts to fondle her boobage. Oh yes! Boob-activated!
Her entire body splits in two, vertically, and two women jump out. They are the Tengu. They have red demonic masks and bras on, with long noses. Long noses that look like schlongs, which seems to be really deliberate, if you ask me. Anyways, the geisha re-assemble herself and go after the politician, while the tengu go for the gang of lads. Let me point out that the tengu are wearing the red masks, covering the top-half of their faces, black sports-bras with the red masks miniatures over that again, black panties and boots. Other than that, they're in their birthday suits. The gang of lads comment on this: "You are quite cheeky for someone so shamefully dressed!" (meant as a joke??) I could go on and on with the groaning, but it is safer to assume that there is one after every para-quote that I put here.
Back to the geisha! There is now a saw-blade in her mouth, part of her arsenal. She tries to give her target a Glasgow Kiss - extreme style! And he keeps informing her that she could hurt him. Again, joke?
The tengu again, one of them kills a lad by penetrating his torso with her phallic-shaped mask and the other disposes of another lad by... launching... shuriken... out of her ass. Oh yes, death by ass-shuriken.
And now the... umm... heroine, I guess? shows up. Her name is Yoshie. And yes, it is pronouced Yoshi! minus the glee.
Anyways, show-off between the geisha and Yoshie. Yoshie starts by using "Wig Napalm", which, of course, she must announce audibly before using. Flaps open in her metallic hair, gun-barrels beneath. Speaking of her hair, it will change shamelessly between actual hair and metallic throughout the movie. The show-off ends with Yoshie cutting the head off the other geisha with a blade.

Now we get a soliloquy from Yoshie, her background story:
Before becoming RoboGeish! she was the ugly sister of an actual geisha, who picked on her. Her sister is holding a ceremony for the chairman of a company called Kageno Steel. Yoshie messes it up by sneezing (she was pouring pepper on her unseasoned balls of rice, because that is the dinner she is stuck with), falling through the wall, causing food to fly around and such and such. Yoshie's sister (Kikuyakko) chases her and starts beating her when she catches up. Kikuyakko leaves after a while, and this is when Yoshie becomes Angry(tm). She demonstrates this by tearing a phonebook in half with her bare hands. The chairman oversees this, gets on the phone as says that he has found "a perfect subject". Next thing you know, Yoshie in walking through some woods with the chairman, talking and giggling and other innocent activites young people participate in these days. Then a crazy ex of the chairman show up and comes at them with a knife. Yoshie gets Angry(tm) again and beats her up. Then she is proper japanese ashamed and runs off. The chairman follows her, after summoning the tengu chicks. They kill the crazy lady by squirting acid milk from their jubblies into her face.
The next day Kikuyakko is invited to dinner at the Kageno Steel HQ, she brings Yoshie along. They're walking in the middle of what looks like a wheat-field (not in the actual middle, of course, they're walking on a dirt road). They keep looking for the HQ building. Suddenly Yoshie points slightly to the right and asks: "Isn't that it?"
And there it is, 50 meter in front of them. Again, joke?
As they head off towards it, Yoshie looks off into the field and there's a bunch of dudes hiding (EXTREMELY poorly) there. I don't know why, no further explanation was ever given.
So, dinner with the chairman and his father. About 5 minutes into the ceremony he starts talking about how neat it would be if they could move from steel production to making WMD's. He even shows them their prototype factory, hidden behind the walls of his office. At which point I started suspecting this HQ was a bit like the TARDIS.
Anwyays, they also want an army of geisha assassins, and that's where Yoshie and Kikuyakko comes into the picture. They're sucked up through giant vacuum-tubes and brought to the initiation-chamber (wearing only pink underwear, I might add).
They're pitted against eachother in a deathmatch, the winner will join the training programme. They are equipped with wrist-mounted weapons, which contains a spring-loaded long sword. It is anger-activated. After a lot of punches from Kikuyakko, and a lower torso completly pierced by her blade, Yoshie gets Angry(tm) and beats Kikuyakko. She doesn't kill her though. The blade-wound disappeared the second Yoshie retaliated by the way.
So, Yoshie is accepted into the ranks of crazy bitches, and Kiku (can't be bothered to type her whole name anymore) becomes their servant. Yoshie enjoys the switch of roles a bit too much.
Fun fact: those who willingly quit the training programme must commit seppuku. One girl does so, and Kiku volunteers to be the one to cut her head off (before she can show shame *HAI!*). With the open spot, Kiku now also join the ranks.
And of course, they start competing with eachother, and that's where the bionic upgrades start to come into play: three geisha are at the shooting range. The shooting range is a small, narrow room with two dudes in sitting possitions, tied to big rocks at one end and crazy bitches with guns at the other end. We're talking tops 5 meter away from eachother. All three geisha are firing, not one of them hits anything by the wall. Kiku walks in and kills both of them with her boob mini-gun. Press the left boob to fire from the right one.
Shooting range again, the SAME TWO DUDES, and the geisha still can't hit them. This time Yoshie walks in, tells them to stop shooting and walk up to the dudes and kills them with arm-pit blades. Spring-loaded, of course.

Their first assignment.
A samurai-lord walking around in an industrial area, like they do! 4 geisha are send to take care of business. He has two robotic body-guards. The samurai kills one of them geisha with the all-too-famous Anal Katana Strike. Kids: never use a katana as an anal dildo, there will be blood. Apparently, enough to bleed a person to death.
Yoshie and Kiku start throwing punches and kicks at the body-guards. The kicks are important, because they show off panties, which causes the samurai to go: "HaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaah?!"
Two times.
In slow motion, of course.
Anyway, the body guards are taken care of, eventually and Yoshie kills the samurai with Ass Shuriken.
When they return from their assignment, Yoshie is offered to become a tengu, but she declines.
She is now sent all over Japan, to take out "important" targets. For the most part politicians. With her mouth blade. Which looks really frakking painfull! For the target, of course, but for the geisha aswell. And I'm not sure where she's supposed to hide a blade that's 3 times longer than her head. And no, it isn't curved.
Then there's the assignment that Changes Everything.
She is asked to take out a bunch of really old people. She hesitates and ends up being invited in for dinner. During dinner, they reveal they are the group "Take Families Back Group", a bunch of grand-parents and one older brother who is looking for their grandchildren and sister. The leader is an old dude in a wheel-chair who can only speak nonsense in a muffled voice, except for when speaking about The Cause.
No, really.
And they have a (really lame) marching song.
It turns out that an unknown Evil Company has been kidnapping young women, turning them into killers.
Yoshie realises that she can't kill them, because they are old and stuff, I suppose. She's more machine than human at this point, so I don't see why something as pesky as humanity to get in her way now. Especially with all the brutal killings she's been up to lately. Oh well.
The chairman is not happy, and tells her that if she doesn't kill her next target, they will terminate Kiku.
The next target: two brothers thought to be terrorists. They are making a bomb right next to where the ceremony is being held, so it looks to be true. If a bit on the retarded side of things.
Anyways, one of the brothers go to work on the bomb, in plain sight. Like you do. Yoshie takes this opportunity to stab the other brother in the eyes with a pair of fried shrimp. The first brother rushes back, and Yoshie punches his head INTO his torso. He pops back up, like some crap animations show from the 80's. So she punches it back INTO the torso. 4 times this repeats itself. Finally the shrimp-eyed brother makes his way over. Yoshie punches him in the gut, activating his suicidce-bomb. Which was planned by Kageno Steel all along. A really risky plan, if you ask me, but I guess I can't argue with the end-result.
Anyways, Yoshie's top-half survived the blast. The old people rescue her and give her new legs, robotic ones. When she wakes, the old people tell her that it is time for them to march against Kageno Steel, to (and I quote): "glare at them with angry eyes". Yoshie must stay behind because the robotic legs are still adapting, or whatever it was.
Meanwhile the chairman is operating on Kiku's brain to make her "love" him. And at some point during this he reveals that the WMD's they are working on will be 17x mightier than the atomic bomb.
Back to Yoshie, who is now off to save the old people. She remembers that the old main lady of the protest group gave her a shamisen, and to trust her instincts. She remembers this when she falls over due to clumsy legs. She takes out the shamisen and starts playing. This causes her legs to morph into the bottom half of a tank. I don't know about you, but I think those are some bad-ass instincts!
Meanwhile, the chairman and his father are taking out the old people with guns mounted on the top of their shoulders. They fire when they bow. Since accuracy seems to be a major issue in Japan they hit all old people except for the three sitting in front (the old dude, the old dudette and the youngish brother). Then the HQ building turns into a giant robot...
-"A giant castle robot?!"
-"What, haven't you ever seen one?"
Oh yes, those are actual lines. Again, joke?
The old people are now being chased by a bunch of geisha through the giant, walking castle robot HQ building......... One of those sentences you never thought you'd have to write, y'know? Heh, Japan...
Now what happens? They all suffer heart-attacks at the same time? Because they are so old? You bet. "What a shame", I believe was the line uttered by the old dude. Anyways, they magically recover when the chairman and his father show up. The old dude takes the father out with a gun inside his leg. A gun that is slap-activated. So he needs to continually slap his leg, like he is contantly hearing leg-slap-worthy jokes.
Jokes that kill!!
*cough*
So. Giant, walking castle robot HQ building is heading towards Mt. Fuji to drop one of their bombs into it. On it's way to Mt Fuji it walks through a town, and like all over-sized JPNESE! monsters, it must destroy buildings in its path. And these building... they bleed! Not only that, they squirt fucking fountains of blood! Continuous fountains of blood! Again!! JOKE?!
Jeez...
Anyways, Yoshie is rollin' into the scene now. On the sides of buildings, in true Matrix-style. She leaps off one building and crashes through one of the top floor windows. It is now time for the big tengu show-down! Oh yeah!
The tengu now reveal their secret weapon: butt-blade! And like with all spring-loaded blades in this movie, they are quite long.
What Yoshie said next made me groan louder than I have ever groaned before:
-"Hah! That is a shameful pose!"
And it fucking worked! The tengu are about as pissed off as crazy JPNESE! bitches can get! But wait! It get's better! Yoshie has a butt-blade too!
And now!
They must do battle!
With their butt-blades...
Even the japanese must realise the following scene is one of the silliest ever filmed. Surely they must?
Anyways, stop fighting with their butt-blades, because in all honesty, that was going nowhere. Yoshie runs into the old dudette and the youngish man. The tengu catch up, and the first one is killed by the youngish man, who realises the tengu looks an awful lot like his long-lost sister. With her dying breath, the tengu kills him. The old dudette kills the other tengu, who seconds later realises it looks an awful lot like her long-lost grand daughter. With her dying breath, the tengu kills her.
And what happened with the old dude, you ask?
Well, he told his two friends to run, he would buy them time. He rolls down the hallway on his wheelchair, killing geisha as he goes. They finally manage to kill him, but not before he, in turn, kills them. They all collapse on top of him, boobs surrounding his face. He dies happy.
So, now it is up to Yoshie to stop the giant, walking robot HQ building from throwing the WMD into Mt. Fuji. The chairman has now linked himself to the HQ, so that his movements are its movements.
Before Yoshie can plunge her ass blade into one of his many orifices, Kiku shows up. Slightly more brainwashed this time. Sister deathmatch again, this time Serious Business. After a prolonged fight with (annouced) Wig Napalm and such things, Kiku splits in two, at her waist, because she has a jet-pack there now. And a spike. Which she uses to pierce Yoshie's throat. Which doesn't kill her. Instead it makes her emotional enough to break through the chairman's brainwashing and get her sister back. Once that is done, they realise they can't just kill the chairman (since he is now basically defenseless), but they must merge!
At this point, the walking HQ has reached the top of Mt. Fuji and seconds away from dropping the bomb.
Anyways, with the two sisters now one (which looks like Yoshie, except that when they turn their head 180 degrees, it's Kiku's face) they upper-cut the douche with the penis-complex. It causes his feet to lift off the ground, and that causes the robot to take off into space. Because all robots have jet-packs somewhere!
And then: kaboom.
And then: dream-sequence with the two sisters performing a ceremonial dance together.
Then movie (fina-fucking-lly) over!

Wow, I think this turned into quite the wall of text. Happy now, Mira?

Wall of text? Thanks to a movie that hurt my brain-meat to watch?
Oh yeah, I'm back baby!

Thank you

2011-03-12T09:07:00.001-08:00

Ever since I was... very young, Judas Priest has been one of my absolute favorite bands. The first song I ever heard of them was Livin' After Midnight. A song which goes better with their early rock'n'roll days than their balls-of-hardest-steel ones, which started with the albums Sin After Sin (1977) and Stained Class (1978) and has continued to this day. My point is that I was hooked from the very first chord.
I don't know many people who like the Priest as much as I do, but if you're reading this and you feel the same way, you'll agree with me that the guitar-solo from Painkiller is probably the greatest heavy metal solo EVER. To quote Henry Rollins (speaking of a Iggy Pop song): It makes you want to fuck and fight at the same time. Although in this case the sex will be incredibly angry.
Come to think of it, Painkiller is probably the greatest heavy metal album of all time. It's one of those few albums where I love every single song on it. In my case, only one other band can make that claim, In Flames, with their masterpiece Whoracle.

Anyways.
The 14'th of june this year, I'll be seing the Priest live for the second time in my life (bought the ticket 5 minutes before I started writing this). As it just so happened, the first time I saw them live, In Flames was the warmup band. As you might have guessed, I was in heaven. And you would be correct. I have been to a lot of concerts in my life, most of them were fantastic, some of them were about as fun as brushing your teeth (see previous entry). The In Flames/Judas Priest one, best concert of my life.
This time might just trump that. I don't know who the warmup act is, and I frankly don't care. This is their last tour. It fills me with both joy and sadness, of course. I am happy because I get to see them for the last time, and I am sad because I get to see them for the last time.
I know they will give their all, and Rob Halford will, as always, scream his lungs out. I remember this one interview I saw with him where he spoke of his childhood years. He grew up on Birmingham, back when you couldn't walk more than 10 meters before you came across a smelting-factory. His school used to be right next to one, and how the smoke from it used to seep into the school building. This is his explanation for his (let's face it) amazing voice: the metal is in his lungs.
A bit cheesy, yes. But fuck you! I like it!

So I will be there, going fucking mental.

Vat vaz zat noize?

2011-03-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

As some of you might know, I only work in Oslo. I take the train every day (I work, duh). I don't mind it, really. It takes somewhere between 30-40 minutes, allowing for anything between 5 minutes and 1,5 hours of delay (the 1,5 hour one isn't a joke, by the way), and it gives me a chance to read and/or listen to music. Killing two stones with one bird and all that. The price of my monthly ticket is, of course, a bummer. But I would end up paying about the same ammount if I were to drive a car (and have a license, silly) the same stretch, hell probably even more. If I were to be offered a job closer to home, I would probably jump that fucker in an instant. Money saved is more money spent on nerdy stuff, y'know.
Anyways!
Ze trainz!
To have 2x40 minute interlopes every day where you get to sit down and relax and read does sound pretty bitchin', doesn't it? Well, every cloud has a silver lining, and that silver lining is probably just a piano-wire, held by some guy who's out to get you.
What am I talking about?
People, of course.
There are no personal trains for yours truly, yet. So for now I have to put up with other people to and from work. Usually they don't bother me, but there are those who seem bent on making this day the day I finally snap! I would call them children, but I've actually met one or two of them who were quite alright, so I won't drag them down in the mud with the hellspawn of which I am talking about. It's mostly the endless crying that does it for me. Something had to be done to block out the ENDLESS CRYING! My normal taste in music (various bits of Heavy) would block out their chatter, but the high-pitched whining needed special care, and that's where the thought behind this entry comes into play.
You might have heard me speak out against what I'm about to talk about, so I want no cheap-shots, alright? Alright, Emmy?
Now then. Dragonforce. To make the cheesiest music ever you are gonna need, logically, the cheesiest band ever. As I was writing this in my head, I balanced them up against Dream Theatre. And as I'm writing this, I realise it works in more ways that I first thought. They're the same coin, but oh so different sides. Dragonforce, cheesiest band ever. Dream Theatre, most pretentious band ever. I've seen Dream Theatre live and by golly if it isn't the most broing concert I have ever been to. It seemed to me like they just showed up for a rehearsal and we were lucky enough to be there. And we were lucky enough to pay them for the experience. Whereas Dragonforce is SUPER-psyched that they're having a concert for YOU! They're gonna show you a super-duper rockin' time, because YOU deserve it! I haven't seen them live, but an aquaintance described them as "loud" on stage. Not the "loud" fans of the metal are drawn to, but the kind of loud that digs itself into your skull. I believed him.
Both bands have one thing in common: everyone in the band (with the possible exception of the singers) really wants to show of what they can do with their toys. The distinction is this: Dream Theatre members usually take turns wanking, Dragonforce members don't. The guitar-solo's of Dragonforce are the exception, when just the two guitarist try to out-wank each other. Every. Single. Fucking. Song.
Now then!
Trains!
Kids!
I realised that Dragonforce could finally be used for something good. And y'know what? I was right. This band's unique mix of D&D fans in their 30's and their desire to prove they are the fastest and most skilled blocks most forms of screaming. Enough for me to now have three songs on my playlist whenever I leave home. And in case you were wondering: yes, I experimented, trying to find the songs that would block screaming the best. The winner happens to be the song that made me aware of them in the first place.
It's called Through the Fire and Flames. Who knows what the fuck the lyrics are about, fighting something or other. To me, the song is an excuse for the band to go: look what we can do!
But you know, no matter how exciting the book you are currenly reading is, you're bound to listen to the lyrics at one point or another. And this is where this entry is going next.

Before I move any further, let me just say that I liked ZP Theart, the vocalist of Dragonforce who left the band last year. Probably because he was getting tired of waiting for the various solo's to be over. Normally, he has a generic power-metal voice, but on those very rare occations when the other guys tune down or shut up all together, he had an above decent voice.

The song starts off with:
"On a cold winter morning
In a time before the light"
Which always got me thinking: how the fuck could they know it was morning if there was no light? I got nothing against guessing, but then at least own up to it and admit that you are!
Moving on, the next line I wish to bring up:
"We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days"
A thousand days? That's not even 3 years. I think these guys seriously need to sit down and redefine their meaning of the word 'lifetime'. Seriously.
Lastly:
"We're banished from the time in the foreign land
To a light beyond the stars"
I got no beef with the foreign land part, but how the frakk do you manage a light -beyond- the stars? I'm sure a lot of astrophysicists would love to have a go at this one.
There are other examples, but I'd have to don my language-nazi uniform for that, and I don't feel like it.

But hey, at least I don't have to listen to hellspawn scream, right?

Inspiration, give me your best shot!

2011-01-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well.
It's been a while.

Apart from the fact that watching the news makes me depressed and that I wish I had shitloads of money, I'm doing good. I have so many things I wish to put here, but I haven't felt inspired to do so for a very long time. Since August 2010, to be more precise.

There's movies I wish to pick apart, porn that needs to be shared with the world and things that piss me off in general. That last one usually involves people of all shapes and colours.

I want to keep this blog alive, I enjoy writing my entries. I know some of you even enjoy reading them (though I still find it hard to believe), and it makes me all mushy inside. So what I guess I'm saying is: I don't just want to keep it alive for my own sake (which is the main reason I started the gorramn thing in the first place) but for your sake too.

I'm not sure what it will take to get me writing again, but rest assured you'll notice when it has happened.

Tales of English bad

2010-08-23T03:21:00.000-07:00

So the plane didn't crash and it wasn't a completly uneventful vacation, so here's a wee bit of an entry, folks!

First of all, I like the Black Sea. Number of indigenous shark species: 3. None of which grow to be much larger that 3 feet long, and none of them attack humans. Number of migratory shark species: 0. This is because the Black Sea is mostly cut off from other major bodies of water.
In other words: I can get behind this.
There has been rumors of hammerhead sharks being spotted, but that was about 100 years ago and rather uncomfirmed, if I may say so myself.

Anyways!
While we were down there, my darling and I celebrated our two-year anniversary!

Hmm.
Everything above this was a draft, I've been trying to complete it for some time now.
My Bro Griffin asked me a few days ago if the fire changed me as a person.
Of course it did, but I have come to realise that it might have killed my will to blog. I'm not stopping, I like this intarblag dumping ground of mine. But I'm thinking I have to... reform it? Or maybe my way of writing? Or maybe the topics? Except for the porn-reviews, you're not getting rid of those.

Anyways!
Stay tuned, all 5 of you!

Sweaty man-belly

2010-08-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

I'm currently on vacation in Bulgaria with my darling-cutie, a friends-couple and a fifth wheel. I was going to post this entry before I left, but time slipped away that day.

The weather is warm and I am Oh So Sweaty(tm). The beer is cheap and the roasted pork is rather succulent. In short: I am enjoying my stay here.
Yes, sure the beach is full of ladies in bikinis who lost their right to wear one 20 years ago and men in speedos who NEVER had ANY right to wear one in the first place.

And unless this turns out to be the most uneventful vacation ever, or if on the plane-ride home three of the airplane engines burns out, and we go into a tailspin and crashes into a hillside and the plane explodes in a giant fireball and everybody dies. Except for me. You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh.

Hmm... Yes, unless that happenes, I'm sure I'll get back to you with a teeny tiny update once I'm back home.
Cheers!

Sigh

2010-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Imagine something that's very precious to you. Now morph this into the form of a square block of metal. Why metal? Because it fits for the metaphor I'm trying to make here. Place this block on a pedestal on a hill.
You and a great gathering of people are standing close to it.
The sky is grey and there is thunder in the distance.
You don't know how you know it, but should lightning strike the block on the top of the hill, it will be destroyed beyond repair.
All of a sudden time slows down, every movement is like walking through heavy mud.
You see the lightning-bolt forming right above the block, at this rate it will take it several, what feels like, seconds to strike, although you know it will happen before you even have time to blink.
The rest of the people gathered all turn to you and shout: "Do something!"
You know there is no chance what so ever that you could do anything to avoid what's about to happen, but they all expect you to anyway.
So what do you do?
Do you take the pointless step towards it, at leasst trying to make a difference.
Or do you ask the ultimate cliché question: "Why me?"
So what the hell am I talking about?
Does it matter?

Moving on!
I'm currently replaying Dawn of War II: Chaos Rising. I want to start this by saying that I really hate cliff-hangers. Apart from that it's a great, short game! It is so gorramn short! You barely get to poke the space hulk FFS! They could have done so much more with that! And the cliff-hanger could have been avoided. The librarian class was made of glee, if you ask me and the corrution system adds some delicious replay value (hence my current replaying). And as always: I fucking hate cliff-hangers!
Will I be buying the next expansion? Of course I will! 40k whore, remember?!

And while we're on RTS games currently capturing my attention: StarCraft 2 has been bought, and I'm really, really liking it! Before you label me; the longest I've ever survived in an online StarCraft game is 10 minutes. I'm only in it for the campaign, which is a really good story! There are some fun challenges and an achievement system, which will keep me frustrated for days to come, I'm sure.

And while we're on frustration: Inception. That new movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Now, I like mr. DiCaprio. He stars in good movies (for the most part). Inception is not one of them. Like Avatar, it is a very pretty movie with loads of pretty special effects that would make a tyranid go: "Ooooooh" and "aaaaaah". But it is a very thtupid movie.

-SPOILER ALERT-

They're on the plane, they're all sharing the dreams. The van in the first dream is falling towards the water, which causes the dream "beneath" that to go into a state of zero gravity. Why are not the dreams beneath that one again affected in the same way? Since the state of the dreamer affects the dream world, why oh why does the zero gravity thingy only affect the first one? Because the movie would have been harder to pull through in that case? Maybe they should have thought of a different way to do it then!

-SPOILER ALERT END-

Another thing about Inception that annoyed me; where did the technology come from? Not only does it exist, but loads of people are aware of it and rich people with things to hide are even taught how to defend against it!

And we all saw that the spinning thing at the end was about to fall over. Right?

A... wait for it...

2010-08-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

nnoying!

I'm all in favor of proper langauge. Heck, I even enjoy tossing the occational fancy word around. What I do have a huge problem with, is politically correct language. It's always been a pet peeve of mine, but since I started working at the museum (and thanks to that, being exposed to americans on a daily basis) it's quickly growing into a psychotic fucking hatred.
Take toilett, a very good example! Tourists always ask for it. I don't mind them calling it toilett, restroom, ladies/mens room, WC, crapper, shit-stool, the seat of the Emperor, the Eye of Terror, Death Star venting hole or washroom.
What I do have a problem with, is water closet. It is just so gorramn neutral and... lifeless an expression. And most americans use it. I've started replying: "The toiletts are downstairs." Some of them actually sneer at me when I say it.
Oh no, I said a word that makes us think of what we actually do when we visit the seat of the Emperor. Let us picture a closet filled with water instead. Aaah, how clean and unprovocative!
Am I ranting?
Of course.
About something pointless and petty?
That may well be.

And while I'm talking about work:
Since I started working there, 7 husbands have walked up to me (after having left the museum), asking if they could go back inside to look for their wives, who seemed who have gotten lost. All 7 times I have replied: of course, sir. All 7 husbands found their wives again. All 7 wives claimed it was the husband who was lost, not them.

And something I forgot to scribble down here: On may 14th, I asked one of the guides if may 17th (Norways independence day) would be a bad day. I knew she had been a guide for a long time, so maybe she would share some previous experiences with me. She looked at me as if I had just called her a witch or something. Then she got the shifty eyes(tm) and laughed nervously. Then she said (still with the shifty eyes(tm)): "Hah... hah... that's impossible to foresee."
It was a very weird and kinda spooky conversation.

Bad things

2010-07-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Been a while again, I'll try and posts more often, come august.

First of all: this is probably no secret, but I really can't stand soft rock. Neither musically nor semantically. Musically because it's a bunch of men (usually) who all lost their balls somewhere along the road who sing about NOTHING AT ALL! The very best example I can think of is the swedish (trust my people to ruin everything good) band Kent. I call them Kunt.
Bad word?
Bad band!
Every song by Kunt seems to be made up by this premise alone: life is pretty ok, but we're gonna pretend it isn't!
But not in an emo kind of way. It's almost as if they're stating facts. Their made up facts, there to trick people into buying their talentless pieces of shit they call albums! I just want to rip their throats out with my teeth! GAH!

Moving on. Soft rock buggs me semantically because the expression is an oxymoron. There is no such thing as a soft rock, not even that one type of rock that floats in water. I got to feel it in chemistry-class back in high-school once and I would NOT like to be smashed in the face with one.
Rock was given it's name because of it's hard sound. The word soft should have nothing to do with rock (or metal) music. The one exception: rock ballads.
Soft rock... what a waste of intruments. Call it music for pussies and be done with it! Just be sure to tear Kunt to pieces before you leave.

Also: I'm frikkin' lovin' Red Dead Redemption. I makes me:
1) Want to watch Deadwood all over again.
2) Get all the old western movies I used to have again.
3) Buy a trenchcoat and talk with a texan accent.
4) Want to start every sentence with the word 'pilgrim', in a John Wayne accent of course!

This could get interesting!

The angry itch

2010-07-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hmm.
Once you get used to living without internet (which is a long and sad road, indeed) it takes a while to get back into your internetty-routines. Such as blogging. I'm really trying, but it always seems to disappear somewhere within my mind.

Anyways!
LARP! Oh yes! Technically, it's been 2 years since my last one. I went to a LARP in Denmark last year, but I got a fever the first night of play. Something I blame entirely on Denmark, by the way. That country has had it in for me since before...
Well... before...
Before stuff.
Stuff?
Stuff indeed!
So!
LARP tomorrow!
My darling cutie wanted to try it aswell (being awwwsome (cheers, Griffin) and stuff), so we're going together. I'll be playing a Warrior Priest of Sigmar, just without the Sigmar, and my sweetie will be playing a temple-monk.
I foresee much joy and glee!

Mostly because my LARP itch is scratching something awful! And I still have the butterflies in my stomach. Which makes me happy, it means I'm not sick and tired of it yet. And I don't think I will be for a long, long time.

LARP tomorrow, and one at the end of July aswell! Where I will be playing the sleaziest character ever! For the second time! (I will refer to my famous moustache pictures here).

Hopefully this will keep me going until next year. I have some serious catching up to do!

In other news: I really fucking hate french tourists!

Don't stop me now

2010-06-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

Far into the future, mankind is dead and gone. Extinct through war, stupidity and just plain old entropy.
Their legacy remains however, in the form of a robot race, gathering information, any and all kinds of information. They are the keepers of knowledge.
This robot race have in their possession the last human being, a female, in the universe. They have decided to assign a unit to this female, to show her the errors of her race.
Why? I don't know, but who am I to question the logic of machines?
So, said unit is called Mentor. Machines, great with logic, not so good with the whole imagination thang. Mentor looks like a trash-can turned upside down with a very R2-D2-esque head.

So!
To sum up: supreme ruling robot race of the universe, keeper of all the knowledge, wants to show the last human left the errors of the ones before her.
How do they do this?
Porn, of course!

The first little bit Mentor wants to show her is from the 50's. A young John Travolta from Grease look-alike named Adam is driving around in his Greased Lightning car, and he decides to pick up this real swell gal called Eve. They go to this make-out place called The Garden (subtle, I know). They park next to this really big tree with fruit growing in it. There's a dude up in the tree, he's got a bushy moustache, big-ass glasses and he's smoking a cigarette. But the most noteworthy part is that he's wearing a snake costume.
He talks the young'uns into doing a bit more than making out. Which all starts when he talks Eve into taking an apple from the tree.
At one point the snake tells Adam (and I'm para-quoting at best): "Ok Adam, pour those peaches all over her." And I thought to myself; now that's a werid euphemism. But no!
This tree has CANNED peaches growing from it. So Adam, schlong schwinging walks over and get it. The peach-bits go into her pom-pom and the peach-juice is poured all over her. Which must be sticky as fuck (no pun intended). The part that almost made me fall off the couch in laughter, however, was when Adam - in the goofiest voice you could EVER imagine - went: "Mmm, I like peaches."
Seriously, you should watch the movie for that line alone.
Anyways. After a while the snake goes: "Ok Adam, now stick that banana into her snatch." Ok, I thought, this time it's gotta be an euphemism. But no!
This tree has bananas growing from it too!
Into her nether-gate it goes, then out it comes and it would seem Adam was feeling a bit hungry.
Then fucking began I got bored so I fast forwarded to when they were done. Where the management of the park comes on the speaker-system to let the young'uns know they're being kicked out of the park for doing the naughty.
Worthy of a groan.

Back to Star Virgin and Mentor. She is now horny, she wants the banana. Mentor and his logic does not approve, so he decides to show her some more people gettin' busy. This time we're going to the 20's (ish). Black and white silent-movie, piani music playing the whole time. And they kept it that way throughout the entire scene, which actually impressed me. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
A young couple is driving around in a transylvanian styled landscape. Suthe ddenly their car breaks down, right outside an old mansion. Hoping that some kind soul lived there, they approach and knock on the door. This is when an Igor opens the door, and he's wearing a fucking Richard Nixon mask?!
Anyways. He takes them to the master of the house, a Count Dracula. The Bela Lugosi version. They sit down for a drink. Turns out, the drink offered to the man had some form of drug in it. The woman looks down at the floor where her man is fast asleep, mouths "what is going on here?" then the text appears in thoses sylized frames (I tell ya, consistency in porn movies is a rare thing), then she turns towards the Count and what happened next actually made me squirt cola through my nose. The count twists his face into one saying: "BLEH!" - tounge out, he spreads his arms holding his cape, he angles his legs and thrusts his pelvis forward. Oh, and his pants are gone. Schlong schwinging. I tried finding a picture of that, because words cannot aptly describ it. Oh well, moving on! Dracula and Richard Nixon are now chasing the girl around the room in true Benny Hill style. NO ONE has EVER read that sentence before. EVER!
So they finally catch her and do the naughty. Richard Nixon, who was very fond of having his banana sampled, kept doing the peace sign while shaking his behind, rather disturbing let me tell you.
Anyways, the naughty, so fast forward. The man wakes up and kills Dracula. Richard Nixon manages to escape (and I fear his story will go untold). The woman is now pissed and her man, because she was just about to come.

Back to the Star Virgin and Mentor. She is now REALLY horny and Mentor still doesn't approve. So he decides to show her some more people humping. For a walking computer, he sure does seem uncapable to understanding that showing her porn turns her on, and that it's rather counter-productive to what he's trying to acheieve.
Anyways. He show her more porn, this time an americcan football player who gets injured and is then "nursed" back to health by a couple of nurses. All very generic and not at all as funny as I had hoped.

Back to the future (*rimshot*)
The Star Virgin is now asking Mentor for toys, so that she can relieve herself. Mentor is at a loss, so her puts on more porn. This time an orgy, just as boring as the last clip. Nothing noteworthy in this one either.

The Star Virgin is now fondling her lady-bits. Mentor is caught somewhere between disgust and defeat. His cries of protest join her screams of climaxing as the movie ends.

Like I said, the last two clips disappointed me, based on the first two, which made me laugh like nothing else!
Had the last two been of the same calibre, I'm pretty sure I could have wall-of-text'd this entry, but I'm afraid this is it.
But fear not, I'm always looking for the next one to blog about!

Edit: Name of this 50% awesome movie is Star Virgin.

And so

2010-06-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

Glorious internets have been restored to me!
A temporary computer has been borrowed to us, until we can buy a new one. Which will be sooner rather than later.

I've been spending a lot of time the last three days playing Battlefield - Bad Company 2 online, and it amazes me how good it is. The fact that all buildings can be, by patience, a lot of explosives or both, utterly destroyed. And if you don't watch the F out, the debris will make sure to squeeze you flat.
Anyways, great fun!

But how does that saying go? "All play and no work makes Jack an unmotivated boy."?
So work. I'm really liking myself there. There are a few things I'd like to share though.
First of all, I'm still waiting to meet a friendly frenchman/frenchwoman/frenchperson. When I first started hearing about how rude Ze French were, I thought it was just jokes or exaggerations. But no! I've both been to France, and now with my job, met a whole bunch of them. All who spare me the time to accknowledge me are rude to the bone.
Example!
Whenever a tourist walks by me and greets me in their language I try and respond in the same language. Most people smile at me and compliment me on my pronouciation. Especially the italian.
Anyways!
Not the french. They act as if it's me most natural thing in the world Zat I Zpeak Ze French language.
And did you know that "I'm sorry, I don't speak French." translates to "Please speak french to me, loudly and fast, if you please."?
I didn't either until today.
And while we're on Ze French:
The mensroom at the museum have four urinals right next to the door, and past those are the toilets. Now hang on, I'm going somewhere with this.
They flush-functions on the urinals are motion-activated. I have to check that there are no people hiding in the toilets before I lock up (apparently it has happened), which means I have to walk past the urinals to do so. Meaning they will start flushing. As soon as I walk into the room.
Which makes me feel like I'm on some kind of REALLY surreal french sit-com, where people don't applaud reccuring characters, but toilets flush. Because Ze Americanz will not get eet, haw haw haw haw!

Next entry will be porn-review.
I promise!

We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land

2010-05-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes. I'm still around.
I would have updated sooner, but what with my laptop suffering the Emperor's Holy Fire and all... y'know.

Anyways!
New place to live! With my darling!
All things considered I'm pretty good these days. Some time soon we'll get a new computer and one of them internets we've been hearin' so much about to go with it.
Heck, I even bought me one of them.... whatchamacallit... Xtra-boxes! The box said I would 360 of 'em, but just the one for now.
And let me tell you, having a roof over your head that is your own again is a pretty fucking sweet sensation!

Ok, so maybe I didn't sleep much last night and have been working 10 hours today.
Maybe.
Coffee might have been involved at some point.
Might.

Oh!
And that porn review I've been promising you. It's coming (*rimshot*), and now it's starting to irk me that I haven't done it already (again, *rimshot*). It's personal now, so I can guarantee it will be elaborate and detailed!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to die on the couch for an hour or two.
WAAAGH!

Through the fire and the flames we carry on!

2010-05-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

I got to sift through the remains of my room today.
I think I forgot to mention this the last time (my head was rather foggy when I wrote that entry), but my darling and I were moving into our own place a week from today.
I had started to pack my books and they were neatly lined up in boxes next to my bed. Because of this I had this REALLY naïve thought that some of the books in the middle of the middle box MIGHT have survived. What I forgot to take into consideration was water-damage. Not that there was much the water could unleash a can of damage upon to begin with, 90% of my room was charred black.
I tried looking for my lucky coin (a mexican peso from the 60's), but no luck (eh, eh, eh?).
Beyond my wildest dreams though, my box of LARP clothes and boar-skin (placed on a shelf outside my room) managed to survive! A few minor burns on the skin and the box was blackened around the corners, but otherwise they were both perfectly fine!

I will miss my books the most. I had a lot of old books, a lot of limited edition ones and a few signed ones (my Coraline signed by mr. Gaiman was at my girlfriends place, so that survived, I was very glad to find out!). It's gonna take me a while to build up a respectable collection of books again, but I'm hanging in there.

And oh!
OH!
My girlfriend is the sneakiest of them all!
We stopped by Outland yesterday, because I wanted to look at books I used to have that I could not afford at the moment. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why!
Anyways!
She asked me: "Of all the books you had, which one will you miss the most?"
I gave it some thought, and I landed on Legion, by Dan Abnett. I know some of you may not agree with my choice, but I called it, I did! Mhm!
And while we were at the 40k shelf, I pointed out a few new books that I had yet to buy/read. I didn't think more of it. We left the store and I was going one way and she the other. We smooched and faffed off to our destinations.
When I saw her later that night, she had two surprises for me (well, three actually). First: Legion, by Dan Abnett. Second: Black Tide, by James Swallow (Blood Angels, woooo!) and this tiny little Super Mario floating money-box with a removable mushroom on top of it.
Later that night, as we were about to go to bed, she gave me another present: Rynn's World, by Steve Parker (writes very good IG novels, and has taken a shot at the Crimson Fist chapter).
She is awesome and I love her to bits!

And this will be the last entry concerning the fire, because I am tired of whining and bitching about it. Besides, I don't have time, I have books to buy gorramnit!

Wreathed in flame

2010-04-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today has been a day I do not want to relive. Ever.
The day started off with me waking up and getting ready for work.
I got to work and did mostly fuck-all, then I had my lunch.
Then my darling called me. I figured it was just to say hi, but her first words were: "Your apartment is on fire." She didn't know how bad it was.
I told my boss and her reply was: "Why are you still standing here?! Get on a train home right now!"
At this point my phone-battery had died, so I had no way of calling and asking about the damage so far.
Anyways.
On the train. Too anxious to read. Biting my figner-nails.
As the train pulled into my station I saw a huge cloud of smoke coming from the direction of my apartment.
I half-ran there. My girlfriend was waiting there for me. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know.

I'm currently at my mom's place, and as I'm writing this, all that I own (apart from a wee selection of clothes) in this world comes to:
-A noteblock and pen
-The Bonehunters by Steven Erikson
-My cell-phone

So there you go.
I know it's a cliché, but I own nothing at this time.

It's weird, really. I keep coming back to the insignificant things. Like my hand-carved LARP staff. I know I can just make a new one, won't take me more than an hour. But it's been with me for 4 years. All of my Magic the Gathering cards... I don't even play it anymore. All of my tiny hand-made LARP fetishes that I've never used... because I might want to in a few years.
I know that pretty soon the big things will hit me. Like my book-collection. My music-collection. My LARP-costumes. My book-collection. My 40k figurines. My snowboard. My book-collection. My external harddrive filled with nerdy goodness. And of course, my book-collection.

I am, of course, eternally happy that my girlfriend is safe. Had something happened to her, I would not be writing this right now. I would most likely be sitting in a corner, banging my head against the wall.
But still. People keep telling me it's only stuff.
And yes, I agree. It is only stuff. But then again, it isn't just stuff either. It's my stuff! They meant something to me. Some things meant a lot to me.
But like I said, my darling is ok, and that is the most important thing.

This is not meant as a poor-wittle-me post. I just need to get this day down in writing, it helps me deal with it, if that makes any sense.
To all of you who offered help, or just kind words today: Thank you. It means more to me that you probably realise.

My porn-review will be delayed, I hope you guys don't mind.

A novel about Horus' bathroom habits? I'll buy it!

2010-04-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge 40k whore.
No really. Embarrassingly huge 40k whore.
I have my figurines. I'm not painting them at the moment, but I have this feeling that will change come May. I read the Black Library books to a point of obsession. I'm always giggly and in a generally good mood before each Dark Heresy session. I await the Ultramarines movie with about as much glee as one single person can contain. I'm always on the look-out for new info about Warhammer 40k Online, always to great disappointment. Until a few days ago.

Note that this is mostly rumors, but being the Games Workshop bitch that I am, I'm gonna cling to this new information like Paris Hilton to attention.
Playable races:
-Imperium
-Eldar
-Chaos
-Orks
Tyranis will be in the game aswell, but not playable, for obvious reasons.
I have no problems with this selection of playable dudes. From a roleplaying point of view I might question the Orks. Your choises include WAAAGH! and muckin' about!
Vigil Games, the guys behind this game, have realised (read that as Games Workshop TOLD THEM) that battles are the main thing in 40k, and will therefore give up battlefields of gigantic proportions. Vehicles will not be included in the release version, but Vigil Games know (read my previous comment in brackets) that they also play a big part in the 40k universe, so we will most likely see them in an expansion or patch. Cities will be included, ranging from hive size to feral camp. Chaos shrines, ancient Eldar structures and space hulks (hirr hirr hirr) will also be in the game. Armour will be highly customizable; chains, books, trophies and such.

Remember, these are all rumors. I guess we will find out during E3 this year, since the rumor is (I know, I know) that we will get our first sneak-peak there!

When this game is launched, I might aswell kiss what's left of my social life good-bye, only to venture outside for work and Dark Heresy sessions.

And if you were wondering why I will be picking up my painting of figurines in May: my snuckums and I have found an apartment together! Moving date: 11th of May.
Full of win!

Next entry: porn review!

He's not as think as you drunk he is

2010-04-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

When I woke up today I had gotten a message from my brother. He told me Jesper Strömblad is leaving In Flames. According to the press, it's because of alcohol abuse and personal problems.
Being my all-time favorite band, I was rather saddened by this. Not only because the band won't be the same without him, but also because he was the last founding member still in the band. Furthermore, it seems to me that he's the only one wanting to go back to their old sound (Whoracle, Colony and Clayman, you'll be hard pressed to find better metal albums out there). I don't know where I got this from, I just did.
And then the Ship of Theseus came to mind. Y'know, that old greek philosophical question?
The simple version of it goes like this: If you replace every single piece of (in this example) a ship, one by one over time, will it still be the same ship when nothing of the original material remains?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to start a philosophical debate here, In Flames have changed, bit by bit, as new members were introduced. And now with Jesper out, the change is complete, I guess.

If you've been following my blog for some time, you'll know that I didn't think too highly of their latest album, A Sense of Purpose.
I guess I'm waiting for their new album to see if it was just a bad album (every band has at least one (yes, your favorite band too)) or their new sound. I'm hoping my ass off it's the former.

Buyer of new books

2010-04-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you of my day yesterday:
Woke up.
Got on the train to Oslo.
Got on the bus to work.
Stood around, watching people.
Had a cigarette.
Chatted with my co-worker, while watching people.
Watched Dylan Moran enter.
Noticed Dylan Moran walk around with (what I assumed was) his wife and kids.
Realised... that Dylan Moran was there.
Explained to my co-worker who he was.
Walked up to Dylan Moran...

Let me sidetrack for a moment, as in my wont. I get starstruck easily, when in the presence of people I admire. The prime example is when I met In Flames for the very first time. But let's get back to me making an ass of myself.

The first thing I said to him was: "Excuse me, sir. Would it be alright if I shook your hand? I'm a big fan of your work!" Actually, what came out was: "I'm a big fbhgan of your work!"
Anyways, I got the impression he just wanted to walk around with his family, and not be bothered by annoying people asking him to quote Black Books or go on a rant on how much he loves his stand-up acts (yo).
So I got to shake his hand, bowed and smiled and walked away.
I was filled with glee and did-that-just-the-fuck-happen-ism. Suddenly mr Moran walks up to me, asking if we had any viking weapons or armour around that his kids could look at.
I said yes.
I realised after 3 seconds that he wasn't just asking questions, he probably wanted me to go get them. So there's Dylan Moran and his kids, looking at a viking sword and shield (replicas, of fucking course) and me, telling his kids about the viking ways (what I knew, at least).
They took some pictures, I put the things away and mr Moran's last words to me were: "Thank your very much, young man."

So I might not have the most exciting or well paid job out there, but I really don't care, because yesterday, I got to shake the hand of Dylan Moran.

I just stood there smiling...

2010-04-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

So today was the first day of my new job. Security guard at the viking ship museum in Oslo. Seems like a job I might like.

Anyways!
When Tom Lehrer wrote the words: "I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring, I do. Don't you? Of course you do!" it becomes crystal clear that he has not spent many springs in Norway.
It's been raining here quite steady for the last 2-3 days now, and I don't think it's letting up soon (but what the gakk do I know).
So I was waiting for the bus in Oslo. I'm smoking a cigarette. There's three questionable men standing next to me. One of them, the one with the most blisters and sores on his lips, walks over to me and asks if he could have a drag or two of my cig. One look at him and I said no, and added in my head: "no fucking way!". I was in a good mood, so I didn't want to be overly rude to the man.
Anyways. He gives me a nod of understanding and walks away.
It was at that point that his friend, the one who had up until now been giving a loud lecture to himself in some east european langauge, turns to me and says in a very sweet voice: "Don't mind him. He's C-C-C-C-Crazy!"
I know my karma probably went down by over 9000, but I almost giggles myself.

What can I say? Good mood mixed with unexpected comments early in the morning.

Also, 250th entry, bitches!

Eureka!

2010-03-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

So I've got this fantastic idea for a movie!
We start off with a view of space. Then a space-ship flies by overhead. Something awful happens to the crew, quite possibly a weapon used by the evil count Zarth Arn (not Darth, I tried that and it just doesn't sound cool). And said evil count should of course wear black leather and have a cape, it just goes without saying. No mask though, that would never catch on.
Anyways!
One said horrible weapon has killed almost everyone on the ship, 3 escape-pods will launch, each one in different directions.
Then a wall of text should fly by the screen, summing up to us viewers what the hell is going on here.
Alright!
Cue protagonists!
One male and one female. Smugglers riding around in their ship, with a very cocky attitude, of course. The woman should of course be forced to dress up in questionable outfits as often as possible.
The man should have magical powers! I toyed with the idea of naming it something else, like The Power but realised it's better to call it for what it is: magic. Predicting the future, deflecting laser-shots and healing people. Yep, magic.
Anyways. These two smugglers should then be hired by the Emperor (bet you didn't see that one coming) who is battling the evil count.
Why?
Because the evil count has a secret base somewhere in space and the ship from the opening was tasked to locate it. They think that the reason they were attacked it because they found it. So: find the 3 escape pods and pray for survivors.
Oh, and the Emperor just knows that his son, who was on the ship, managed to get out in time. And, this secret weapon, it is said it is the size of a planet. Just so you know.
So they set off, with a droid who is very anxious about... well, everything. Especially space-travel. He should also have a sazzy texan accent.
They get to the first planet, the man stay in the space ship, the woman and droid go to look for the pod. They find it, but no survivors. Then they get captured by a tribe of amazon-esque women. After some rough and tumble they manage to escape back to their ship and up into space.
But wait!
The amazon women followed them in their starfighters. Now they have to fight them off with the manual laser-cannons. They are really crappy shots at first, but they manage to kill them all eventually. And they all cheer and laugh!
Next planet. Ice planet. Where, apparently, the temperature drops several thousand degrees below freezing during the night. Which I find to be quite remarkable. Fuck science, I say!
Anyways, the woman and droid set out once more. They find the pod but no survivors, so they set back to the ship once more. There's a fourth person aboard the ship that I forgot to mention. He's a traitor, he tries to kill the man and fly off to the count. But the man uses his magic and takes care of him. While this is happening, the droid and woman are waiting to be let into the ship. Instead of just waiting around, they lie down in the snow. The droid can survive the temperature, and he can monitor the body-temperature and heart-beat of the woman, by just holding her hand. Kinda cool. So anyways! After a fight that lasted a lot longer that it seemed, the man brings them into the ship and uses his magic to heal the woman.
Off to the third planet. And here is how the man should describe it:
The last location it the unknown planet named Irania.
Let me repeat that.
The UNKNOWN planet. NAMED Irania.
Oh yes. Heavy duty shit, dis be!
Anyways.
This is a sand a rock planet. They find the pod, but again no survivors. They get attacked by a bunch of primitive people. And these people... they are living in the sand. I'm thinking I'll call them "Sand Tribes", or something.
Anyways, they smash the droid to pieces and capture the woman. I'm guessing they'll either eat her or eat her (see what I did there?)
Just as they are about to eat her (whichever of the two) a dude with a weird mask shows up, and he starts shooting laser-beams from his eyes. He scares the primitives off and saves the girl! When he takes his high-tech mask off, we find out that he's the Emperor's son, and he should totally be played by David Hasselhoff! Just as they start talking about the count's weapon they are again attacked by the primitives.
But lo! The man arrives! He saw into the future and realised his help would be needed. And he brought his melee weapon! It looks like a focused, blue laser beam. About 2-3 feet long. I think I'll call this weapon laser-sabre.
Anyways.
The man realised they are on the weapon, it is inside the planet.
They find the entrance and head inside. They rig the main generators to blow up, but they realise they will only have 30 seconds to GTFO. But before they can decide, the count's death bots show up. The man manages to kill one of them, but is mortally wounded by the second one. David Hasselhoff picks up his laser-sabre and fights the second one long enough to let the man tackle it so that it falls over and explodes. You heard me!
The man says to leave him there and GTFO. And once he dies, I think I'll have him fade out and he joins his magic in spirit, or something like that.
On their way out, The Hoff and the woman meet the Emperor, who just showed up. They tell him that everything is about to go ka-blooey. The Emperor smiles and orders his star-cruiser in orbit: "Time Delay Beam!"
Yes, he fucking has one! He's that bad-ass!
So anyways, they get away and head for the count's evil base in space.
Said base should totally look like a metallic clenched fist, by the by.
The Emperor launches everything he has at the thing aaaaand fails!
Galvanized by the unexpected victory, the count decides to launch his Death Bomb(tm) at the Emperor's home planet. The Emperor can't have any of this, so he turns to The Hoff and says: "Starcrash". A secret weapon they have been working on.
Which is not really a weapon at all, it's just high-jacking a city floating in orbit around a planet and ram it into the count's base.
Which they do. Everything goes bla, blam, blam. There's a romantic moment between The Hoff and the woman, with an awkward droid in the middle.
The end!

I tried selling this idea to various companies, but they all said it has been done before, back in '78. It was called Starcrash and it sucked just as much as you would suspect. Not even The Hoff could save it.
So now you know.

Need my fix, man!

2010-03-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is giving me his old laptop. It's not really that old, but there are a few minor problems with it. Nothing I can't handle, and more importantly: it can handle Dawn of War II. This pleases me greatly. It should also be up for Mount&Blade: Warband. Meaning: I can bring the laptop with me and play that game with my brother until our eyes disolve (Mount&Blade with multiplayer, nuff said).
I'm also sitting here, waiting for some series to finish. Old stuff that I lost when my old computer (El Gigantor) died some years ago. Adromeda, Lexx, Farscape. Stuff like that. I'm also considering getting my hands on The Adventures of Hercules and Xena, mainly for the cheese of it all. But that brings me to why I started this little entry:
I've got the LARP-itch!
Any other LARP'ers reading this will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I'm going to two of 'em this year (confirmed, at least). I know one of them will be epic in scale, and I'm having high hopes for the other one.

And while I'm on the subject: LARP in england. I'm sceptical. Yeah sure, thousands of people show up for each one and when they battle, they BATTLE!
But it seems they're very stuck in their ways, based on what I've heard from english LARP'ers.
Day 1) Get to know your group.
Day 2) Battle
Day 3) Heal up and party!
Day 4) Politics and assassinations
Day 5) Battle!
And this seems to be a very favoured thing, apparently. Yeah, sure, you (can) play a different character each time and the battles are bigger than my balls, but I prefer a LARP where each day is not carved in stone, if y'know whaddamean?

I predict that the LARP-dreams will start soon. If not, Mount&Blade ones. Either way I'm running around in the forests!

They made a whoops

2010-03-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Not far from where my darling lives there's a company producing steel latters, steel railing and a bunch of other steel-related thing-a-ma-bobs.
Why am I mentioning this, I hear all 7 of you ask!
Well, could be because their company sign (which seems to be rather "steely", if I may say so myself) has been hanging haphazardly, looking like it might collapse at any moment, and has been doing so for months.
Maybe it's just me, but I find stuff like this hillarious. Hillarious, I tells ya!

But anyways.
Moving along.
I've gotten my filthy hands on a bunch (and by bunch, I mean shitloads) of zombie-movies. Some are old ones that I've always wanted to see, but most are made in 2005 or later. Don't worry, I'm not going to pick on zombie-movies. I believe we all enjoy watching them, mostly because stupid people get what's coming to them.
With the exception of The Dead Outside. I didn't enjoy it mostly because they are not zombies, but they are, but they aren't, but they are. Y'know what I mean? A neurological virus that turns people into raving mad-men and women. But they still look like normal people, and they don't enjoy our tasty flesh. And it's an indie movie. And it's boring. The director of that one is in serious need of some TLC. Torture, lacerations and choppin's.
The "zombies" (who aren't zombies, but they are) aren't even dead! So why the fuck is it called The DEAD Outside?!

I got side-tracked again, didn't I?
What I was trying to tell the 7 of you:
Said shitload of zombie-movies got me thinking. Yes, everybody loves zombie-movies, but this seems a bit overkill.
Unless...
Unless they want us to pick up on a few things when it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse. Almost as if they're... preparing us...

And I just feel I have to mention two of the movies, the ones I'm looking forward to the most:
Oasis of the Dead: Nazi zombies, in a desert!
Zombies of Mass Destruction: Oh yeah!

Runny, jumpy, climby

2010-03-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to watching The Punisher - War Zone last night. Don't even bother asking me why I took so gorramn long to do so. It just did.
I loved it, of course. Ray Stevenson was awesome as Frank Castle and there was lots and lots of sexy violence! Not much more needs to be said, I think.
Except that the people who thought this movie was a bit over the top on the gore-levels really makes me giggle myself. Makes me wonder if these cock-snots have ever picked up a Punisher comic-book.
Oh well.

But something that got me thinking. What's with the mandatory freeflow people in most action movies these days, huh? This one, Die Hard 4, anything with Jackie Chan and Jet Li in it, that frenchy-froggy District 13 thingy. A frikkin movie about freeflow dudes!
Don't get me wrong here, I have nothing against freeflow peeps. It's great fun to watch, though some stunts makes me wonder if a few of them might have a death-wish or five. I guess it's part of that big bowl of Hollywood ideas that every single writer/director can dive into in case of emergency.
Again, I'm not dissing the freeflow people, I'm just saying I can sit through (and enjoy!) an action movie without seeing human squirrels bounce about.

And while we're on the subject!
Next!
I'll just assume (dangerous path, I know!) that you have seen it. And since you have seen it, you will agree with me when I say: Cutting away all the "what-ifs" from the movie, it's about 20-25 minutes long. 20-25 watchable minutes, I might add. I'm not a big Nicolas Cage fan though, I think he has two facial expressions: confused and stoned.
But!
I think he should make a new movie called "What Will Happen". Because then you can have a Nicolas Cage marathon and watch: Knowing What Will Happen Next!
Eh? Eh? Eh?
C'mon! That's funny!
You didn't think of it!

Ok.
I'll shut up now.

And it burns, burns, burns...

2010-03-10T08:05:00.001-08:00

I was in Oslo yesterday, mainly because of a job-interview, but the part that I will be talking about here is the one that happened later that night.

Normally, we (the group of us who are a little too enthusiastic about Warhammer 40k) play Dark Heresy every other tuesday of the month. Last night, only the GM (Griffin), me and another person showed up. We play at said other person, (so he was frikkin' there, duuuh) and for this little story, let's call him Smug Bastard. He used to be the GM, and it seems to me that the smug bastardness is a prerequisite.
But anyways!
He often goes to Germany with his marching band (they throw kick-ass 60's and glam parties, I'll have you know). They usually go when there's a medieval festival, or something along those lines. And they get cheap or free beer. I don't know about you, but I don't need other reasons to go!
Anyways!
Last time he was there (was it last time?) he was offered a red drink in a tiny shot glass, it was called kehlenschneider (in case your german, like mine, is a bit rustic/non-existent, it translates into "throatcutter"). And then he described to me how it feels to have your throat raped by a cactus. And the cactus is made of rage.
He then asked me if I wanted to try some.
Having balls the size of Ireland, I said yes.
He then put a very small shot glass in front of me, didn't even fill a fifth of the glass. Then he put a large glass of cola in front of me. Then he put a large glass of chocolate milk in front of me. Then he stood next to the table, smug grin on his face.
This is where the story gets rather personal, because I have never in my life been afraid of a shot of alcohol before. There was an actual knot in my stomach! For 15 minutes I sat, toying with the glass.
15 minutes.
And then...

Then I...

Drank it.
OH YE RAGING THUNDERSTORMS ABOVE!
When you drink the heavy stuff, you know how you get that half a second of nothing before the warmth in your throat kick in? Well, not with this fucker! It was like it WANTED to get on my tongue and just DESTROY!
But that's not the best part!
Oh nononononononono!
After a few moments it is as if your mouth is wreathed in abyssal flames! No matter what you do, it will stay there! Griffin and Smug Bastard both laughed at me, of course. Smug Bastard laughed out of empathy, Griffin laughed the "you're an idiot" laughter. I don't blame him.

I told the story of kehlenschneider (just sounds better in german, doesn't it?) to my sweetie when I got home. When I told her the part about how it felt like my lips were dipped in liquid chili, she started laughing and said: "So that's why your lips are so red!"
She said afterwards that she wanted to try some.
She's crazy, and I love her to bits!

Kehlenschneider - Serious Business!

Trippin' balls

2010-03-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

So I watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus yesterday.
I'm not really sure how the hell I'm going to describe it. Terry Gilliam decided to take a lot of drugs.
How many drugs did he take?
All of them.
Then he sat down with 4 6-packs of Red Bull and wrote the script.
It's time for one of my famous "well, duh!" moments:
I think that this movie is getting hyped up, being Heath Ledger's last movie. Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell fill in the parts where mr. Ledger, being dead and all, couldn't be. And they do it really well too! Tone of voice, facial expressions etc. are all well copied.
But then there is the actual movie.
I have no idea what the fuck it was about. I've read some reviews saying it's a beautiful movie that really makes you think. I think it's really confusing, but simple at the same time:
The Devil is bad and will trick you. His antagonist (devils can have those too!) is a hairy tree-hugging hippie who wants us all to be free and shit, man!
But it's just the way the entire thing is portrayed...

And I do realise that saying something Terry Gilliam made doesn't make sense is kinda like calling the manly men of Manowar attractive. But it goes beyond that, it's that new age nonsense shit. It's full of religious references, or metaphores if you will. I don't mind me a few religious metaphores here and there, but they go best hand-in-hand with satire.
Or maybe that's just me?

Anyways!
The main reason I watched this movie was also the only possitive thing about it. Tom Waits as The Devil. A very weird devil with a weirder taste in fashion.
He pulled that thang (yes, I'm going with thang) off big time!

Mystery beer!

2010-02-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've had mystery beer once. Only it wasn't a mystery what was in it. Just beer and a shitload(tm) of liquorice candy drops. It was at an afterparty back in 2003, me and a bunch of friends were attending Inferno 2003. I was pretty drunk (read that as you will) already, so the memories I have of that beer are actually quite good ones.

But anyways!
I slept on the couch upstairs last night, mostly because it was warmer up here. I fell asleep around 11pm and woke up quite late. And when I did, there was a beer-can on the table in front of me. And it wasn't even empty! Not even half-empty (none of that half-full bullshit here, it is always a tragedy when a beer is half-empty!). And it gets weirder. There aren't many seating spaces in our living-room, unless you count the couch and I was sort of using that.
There are three chairs in this room, but the beer-can was not placed near any of them. If we're to look at this from a logical point of view, someone (and with the trafic of people in this place, it could be fucking anyone) came into the living room while I was asleep, sat down next to me on the couch and started drinking a beer. And my girlfriend stayed up late too, so it must have been during the early hours! The fact that someone would do that is freaky enough. But the fact that the beer wasn't finished somehow makes it freakier. I'd like to think that something came up and said unknown person left and forgot all about the poor, lonely beer, but my mind doesn't work like that. Did I fart violently enough to make Nurgle gag? Did I talk in my sleep, something about where the bodies are buried? Did said person want to do naughty things to me while I was asleep and thought a beer would help? And nobody's been in my apartment but my girlfriend and myself.
I want answers!

Oh well.
Watched Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant with my girlfriend a few days back. Got to see John C. Reilly play a vampire, something I was very sceptical towards upon seeing the trailer, but he pleasantly surprised me. It was nice to see him star in something without Will Ferrell (snap!). Seriously though. Good movie, it would seem they're making a sequel and I'm looking forward to it.
There's a spider in the movie, it's Reilly's familiar, so to speak. Really big, really colourful and really smart. My dear woman, who suffers greatly from arachnophobia, said towards the end of the movie (and several times during, if memory serves): I want one!
The humour can be a bit stiff, and some of the terms they use seem... silly. But definitely worth the watch! Loads of big names in it too.
Ray Stevenson as a (bad) vampire. Willem Dafoe as a (good) vampire. Salma Hayek as the bearded lady, always wears something with a cleavage (and I can never use that word without thinking of a D&D warrior who uses cleave a lot...). Ken Watanabe as a strange, very tall, peacekeeper or something or other.
And Reilly as the main vampire dude, as mentioned.
Go check out the cute spider!

Don't come off the raw prawn, mate!

2010-02-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

So, why are australians so afraid of technology?

Let me just get the side-tracking over with: when the AI arrive, I will be very sceptical. When the AI makes its first joke, I'll be the guy pulling the trigger. Of something big. That goes boom.

Anyways!
My girlfriend got this movie called Ghost Machine. I asked her what kind of movie it was, her reply was: "Watch that one without me."
So I figured it was a horror movie with freaky people moving faster than they should. So I put it on, and at first it looks like some sort of psychological-terror kind of thing. Woman with a linen bag over her head being abducted by a bunch of guys. Torture scene. Death.
Then there's a bunch of military people in a simulator, running a breach and clear simulation. Graphics are... well, life-like.
Then two of the guys working on the simulation machine steal some parts to go have a LAN with some friends in an abandoned prison (oh yes).
Painfully long story short: there's a ghost in the prisons who infect the simulation program and start killing people for real real, not for play play (think The Matrix).
And may I say, the actress playing the ghost is rather smoking hot. And the whole beaten, bloody and vengeful only made her hotter. I wouldn't mind crossing her Hooded Gate, if you know what I mean. Maybe just me.
I read up on the movie on IMDB and some dude said it was an irish movie, because they spoke in irish accents. I'm just gonna guess that said person has never heard anyone speak in an irish accent. It's a fucking australian one!

Anyways!
A while back, I watched this movie called Pulse, where dead people started infecting our computers and through them, step into our world. There was something about red duct tape acting as a ward against the ghosts (no, really), but the movie lost me there.

If memory serves, there's an australian horror movie about cell-phones too. It wouldn't surprise me.

So why are australians so gorramn afraid of technology? Is the criminal gene to thoroughly bred into every single one of them that they fear anything that might be used to supervise them? I'm sure there's a Machine Cult joke somewhere in here, but I'm too tired to think of one.

Nostalgic

2010-02-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

I'm still reading book 2 of the Malazan series. I bought book 3 and 4 today, and am really looking forward to them. I still don't understand half of what the hell is going on, mostly because the author (Steven Erikson) is a douche.
A brilliant douche who writes about sexy, sexy violence.
I have picked up two things though:
"Opening the warren" is a very good sexual euphemism.
I want to be Coltaine when I grow up.
Then again, my maturity is like Tara Reid solving a math problem - not going anywhere for a while (oh snap), so that could be a while from now.

Anyways.
While I was in Oslo, Griffin read some of my old blog-posts for me. Since then, I've been hit with a small wave for nostalgia. And I'm not being ironic, it's just a small one. I've been reading some of the old ones, and Gods my spelling was (and still is) off. My grammar has improved, I think. I thank the authors I'm into these days (like Steven Erikson).
I have this dream of one day sitting down and spell and grammar-checking every single entry here, but with this one, that makes 240 entries.
It might happen, y'know.
If every single computer and console-game stopped working one day, and every single book on the planet spontaneously combusted.
Maybe then.
My knowledge of the english language is one of the few things about myself that I'm sort of proud of. Yes, I might misspell them and yes, I will most likely mispronounce them from time to time, but gorramnit, I know the words! My grammar is not the best, but it's clear what I'm getting at in my head!
Sorry, whining.
I'll stop and sneak away now.
Surreptitiously!

Down with the man upstairs

2010-02-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

So, I'm home alone. I figured I'd put on some music and read book 2 of the Malazan series. I don't really understand much of what the hell is going on yet, but I can't seem to put the book down. Griffin told me that is very natural.
So anyways, there I was on the couch, Black Label Society in the background and my Malazan book in hand when suddenly a movie came on the TV. It's called Saved! (and the exclamation mark is shaped like a cross, so you can guess the theme of the movie).
Oh yes, it's a christian movie. A christian teen movie! So of course Mandy Moore is in it. And Macaulay Culkin, of all people. He's in a wheel-chair and bitter and so far I'm really diggin' his character.

Anyways.
From what I can gather, the movie makes fun of christian people, not christianity. In other words; I'm watching this movie as I'm typing.

So.
Main character has a boyfriend who one day confines in her that he thinks he's gay. He's got a magazine with buff men wearing leather straps and not much else, and he seems to be touching his nether-regions a whole lot while perusing it. So I think he's on to something.
Anyways. She sees it as her holy mission to turn him back on the path of the straight. She does this by having sex with him.
Not very christian teen, you say?
Indeed not. But she heard from her best friend (Mandy Moore) that Jesus can restore your virginity. Not the actual physical part, but the purity of mind. So she sallies forth, crotch first to "flirt with the salty sweet potatoes".
About a week after they have pillaged the proverbial trombone, his parents discover said magazine under his bed (kids today, no imagination of where to hide your pr0n *sigh*) and send him to rehab.
But the part that really caught my attention was the school-introduction. They all go to a christian high school (of course) with a big bill-board Jesus in front (of course) and it's called American Eagle (of course). I think these kids are so american that they vomit apple pies.
Macaulay Culkin points out that Jesus should have dark skin, but Mandy Moore (who plays his sister) points out, like the perfect christian that she is, that of course does Jesus not have dark skin.
There's a jewish girl attending this high school. She's the smoking, slutty, potty-mouth. And they want to convert her! How fucking arrogant is that?!
And the principal. He's 40 something and he's one of those hip christians. He asks his students if they're down with G-O-D. This is, of course, done during one of those masses where every single person closes his or her eyes and waves their arms around like they've smoked something they really shouldn't have. The jew decides to have some fun and starts "speaking in tongues" while unbuttoning her shirt. Mr Culkin starts really paying attention, saying: "She's gonna show her breasts! Thank you, Lord!" Ms Moore does not approve and puts a stop to the jew's shenanigans!
Anyways, it soon becomes mind-yawningly apparent that the jew is the good girl at heart, and ms Moore is the cold-hearted bizz-natch from the 8th circle of hell. Well, duh.
Oh, and little miss "I can turn him" is pregnant. Go figure.
And there's a totally dreamy christian skater-boy who fancies her. He actually just said "Mary, you wanna go out with me? Come on. I'm, like, totally adorable."
And ms Moore explains the gay dudes condition as: not having met the right girl yet.
And all this time mr Culkin and the jew is getting closer and closer to badgering the stainless steel predator. (being in a wheelchair he also had the best halloween costume ever: a rollerblade)
Best line of the movie (between ms Moore and the jew, talking abotu christmas): "If you would only accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, your people could join in on the fun."

So it's about half-way done now, and it's rather predictable: Bizz-natch will be exposed as one, friendly jew likewise. Ms buns in the oven will end up with McDreamy and gay dude will remain gay and most people will be sort of fine with that.

Done with this.
Let's have a look at the topic.
Christians don't approve of homosexuality because the Bible says it's bad. Well, not all christians, but you know what I mean. I could put on my smart-ass hat here and say that the Bible also says that eating shell-fish is forbidden, and that if you marry a woman who turns out to not be a virgin, you and your friends should stone her to death. And another, truly BADASS, part is where the bald man Elijah is taking a walk one day, minding his own business when 42 children come out of nowhere and start teasing him. Elijah then curses the children in God's name, and TWO BEARS come out of the woods and maul every single child to death! And sex is of course VERY bad! Unless you're reading the books of Solomon which is quite HARDcore. I mean, there's a lot of bashing the cheap cacti in there!
There's tons of contradictions and outdated crap in there. But the dudes in charge seems to have decided which ones are still valid. Which is kind of amusing to me, since they claim the Bible is God's will in words. But since they're deciding what to focus on, it kind of double-parks the pope's pink salami right up God's circle of brown.
My suggestion is that they review the entire thing. Get rid of the gay-hating part and bring back (bring back, bring back) the God who sends bears to maul little children to death (to me, to me).

This entry was made possible with the help of The Always Amusing Euphemism Generator.

Bad noise!

2010-02-04T04:50:00.000-08:00

So, I'm back from Oslo. Just finished the third and final part of the security guard course.

A lot of... hmm... special people there. The two most noteworthy are:
The guy who sat right next to me all 8 days asked me in a shocked voice on the 7th day: "Wait... you speak swedish?!" I've met several people who ask me that after 15-20 minutes of talking to me, and they are always fun. But this guy... I didn't really know how to reply. All I got out was: "Umm... yes." He also had really big teeth and didn't blink when he talked to you.
The other guy was the ultimate example of a besserwisser. I usually don't pay people like that much attention, but this guy argued with the instructor! The besserwisser asked how many emergency exits a building needs to have in case of a fire. The instructor answered: two.
He replied: Isn't it enough with one?
The instructor replied: No, two. The fire department says so.
He replied: I think it's enough with one.
Instructor: No, it's two.
He: I really think it's enough with one.
Instructor: Trust me, it's two.
He: I still think one is enough.
Eight days of discussions like that. Now take a stab at if we liked this guy or not.
We started this silly little "game" of guessing what we would have for lunch each day. One of the girls guessed cheese and ham on bread. Lunch came that day, she was the first one there and said to the rest of us as we arrived: "What did I tell you? Ham and cheese! Hah!" To which he replied: "It's bologna sausage, technically not ham." Oh yes. He did.
He was also the kind of guy who, when you say you've experienced something, he has too, only better, harder, faster. And, of course, his story was more worth telling. No matter who was telling it. So I started marking down every time he interupted either one of us or the instructor. 69 times in two days. And the really funny thing about that list was that after a day or so other people (who I never talked to) started walking up to me, asking: "Are you the guy with the list?"
It was so frikkin' cool! It felt like an underground movement. And after that, if he was telling of his adventures far and wide and I wasn't paying attention, people would find a way of getting my attention so I could mark it down. Really weird (and probably not very nice, but fuck that!), but fun!

And then there was one last bit.
The toilets there had this machine plugged into them. It looked like it was regulating the water or something like that. I didn't really pay it much mind.
However!
Whenever this machine did whatever-the-hell it is supposed to do it makes a noise. But not a mechanical one. I can deal with those. It made the noise of an old door (or even better, hatch) being opened really slow.
This machine is behind you when you're on the can.
So there you are, as private and by yourself as you can be, you're thinking deep thoughts; you really like boobs, you wish you had a TARDIS, if only you were the Emperor of Earth. Stuff like that. And all of a sudden it sounds like someone is opening a hatch (yes, I'm going with hatch) right behind your back.
Let me tell you, the effect is pant-crappingly scary! Thankfully, your pants are already down around your ankles at this point, so no harm, some foul.
Come to think of it, maybe it's a machine for constipated people. Who scare easily.
The wonders of technology.

It was his first

2010-01-31T09:46:00.000-08:00

So, a few days ago I watched a movie called Against the Dark with a bunch of friends. We all knew it was going to be a horrible experience, but I'll get to that in a moment. First, I want to proudly point out that I was the one who picked the movie.
But anyways, let's got on with it!

Against the Dark is a post-apocalyptic movie where most of the world's population has become vampires, but not really vampires. More like zombies, but not really. More like cannibals with strange living-habits.
And the best part? It's starring Steven Seagal! His first and (what I pray to the Gods above will be) only "horror" movie.

If you've read some of my previous reviews, you'll know that I'm fond of the description "this movie hurts my head". You'd think (I certainly did) that this one would be an excellent example, but it isn't. It made me laugh (because it was so fantastically bad) and it confused me. It is so badly written and so poorly executed that I'm not sure I can retell the chronology. I'll try, but don't expect anything. Anything at all.

Let's start by introducing the characters, because we came up with some pretty good nick-names for them (and RP stats, of course).
Steven Seagal - Mr Facial Expression Man
(I won't bother listing the other actor names, because NO ONE has heard of them anyways)
Emotion Guy - Seagals sidekick
Ball-kicking then explode in throat girl - 'nother sidekick
Woman who did nothing - third and last sidekick
English man - memory of a goldfish
Nurse woman - memory of a goldfish
OCD man - memory of a goldfish, fond of washing his hands
Stoner dude - prone to call you dude
Slightly irish woman - memory of a goldfish
Sick girl - in need of some Paracet, eye-sight of a bat
Major Cheeseburger - sassy black army dude

Right.
Virus developed by human hands. It gets out. People get infected and goes apeshit. They start eating other people and those who survive turns into one of them. Mr Facial Expression Man and his merry gang call themselves "Hunters". They go from place to place and kill infected. It says on the back of the cover that Mr. Seagal uses a katana, but it looks more like a chinese sable.
But I'm nitpicking.

The movie is, for the most part, set in an abandoned hospital. Survivors use it as a safe-house. Why, I have no idea since it's crawling with infected loonies. The people in this movie are mind-bogglingly stupid though.

Anyways, English man and Nurse woman are one couple traveling together and OCD man, Stoner dude, Slightly irish woman and Sick girl make up the second one. They meet up in the hospital and immediately form a bond of trust and respect, even though one of the first things group nr 2 mention is that Sick girl is sick. In a world where the zombie-vampire-cannibal apocalypse has arrived, this is of course a smart thing to do. And speaking of the motherfucking zombie-vampire-cannibals in the motherfucking hospital... There's a scene with a zombie-vampire-cannibal woman filing down her teeth to fangs. There's a dude hanging upside down in her room. When all her teef are nice and sharp, she walks over to him and uses a knife to slit his throat. Then she picks up a friggin mug (that says I Hate Mondays, of all things) and fills it up with yummy yummy human blood.
I bet you're thinking that that scene was fucking weird.
Yes. Yes, it was.
I also bet you're thinking that she will be a huge pain in the ass to our confused and unlikely protagonists.
WRONG! That is the ONLY time you get to see her ugly mug! (see what I did there?)
One might wonder why they even bothered to put her in it in the first place, but greater questions are coming.
Like the stamina and intelligence of the zombie-vampire-cannibals.
Let's start with stamina. A bullet to the chest will take care of them. One of them actually died by being thrown into the wall really hard by OCD man.
As for intelligence. It's not low, it just goes up and down throughout the entire movie. For instance, English man and Stoner dude are having a male bonding moment and of course some infected show up. They escape in the end and put a cart with medical supplies in front of the door, and the infected (just one left in there now) is trapped. The cart is on fucking wheels! And then there are times, as I've already mentioned, when they can use tools and such.
And then there's the hybrid infected ones. "Normal" infected ones look like yon average zombie, but hybrid ones looks like any other douche.
Like the daughter of the romanian doctor living in one of the toilets. Oh yes. OCD man has blood on his hands, and he doesn't like that, so he goes to a restroom to systematically wash them 5 times or something. In said restroom he meets romanian doctor, who seems very friendly. Long story short, he drugs OCD man and drags him off to an operating room to feed him to his daughter. Facial Expression man and his merry crew arrive at the last minute to save him, killing both the doctor and his daughter.
Speaking of killing children, OCD man is attacked by a small boy who is clearly an infected. Facial Expression man arrive to save the day, and he does this by walking up to the child, places his sword on top of the kids' head (point down) and stabs him. One of the most awesome scenes in the movie that, we all burst out laughing.
And speaking of that wonderful actor. He does none of his own fighting. Noticing the difference between him and his stunt-double is about as hard as noticing an elephant in your living-room. The only time you get to see him swing his fancy-pancy weapon about is that one time when there's a close-up of him. He swings his sword at the camera like a leper on fire and then there's some dead infected people in front of him. Another thing, mr Seagal only has about 5 lines in the entire movie, but here's where it gets strange: he had a voice-double too. Which was really strange because it sure as hell sounded like him. So all he did in this movie was: walk around, move his lips 5 times and swung his sword at the camera that one time. I wonder how much they payed him.

And then the infected start talking! Towards the end, they start talking about how much cooler they are, and how much more their life rocks. Also something about humanity being the plague. It kinda makes me hope for a sequel, only with less Seagal in it.

Anyways.
Where is Major cheeseburger in all this, you ask?
He's at generic military base nr 4 to the south, sending F-16's to blow the shit out of the hospital. They take the most part of the movie to get there.

Also, what drives the people in the hospital forward? There's a car at the bottom of the hospital, right next to the only exit. We wondered about that "only exit" part. Because group nr 2 found a way in easily enough, and they're dumber than bread-dough! Emotion Guy (who I just discovered is an American Gladiator) found one. One which he got in AND out of easily enough. He later found yet another one with the rest of the crew. And the windows in this hospital must be made out of see-through titanium or something, because breaking one open is apparently not an option.

Anyways, they get to the car in the end, seconds before the F-16's arrive. Facial Expression man and Emotion Guy walk off into the night (or was it dawn?) and the surviving fart-heads drive off towards Major cheeseburger.

There is one guy I want to compliment, and that is Emotion Guy. Whenever he had to kick some zombie-vampire-cannibal ass, he was fucking dedicated to it! We reached the conclusion that he had a rage-bar. Watch it and you'll know what I mean.

Griffin just told me that he was impressed/scared that I managed to write this much about a movie this bad. I kinda agree with him, but looking back at this blog of mine, it's sort of what I do.

Deux deux

2010-01-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in Oslo again, doing the last piece of the security guard course.
But enough about that.
I'm crashing on Griffin's couch while I'm here and he's got Army of Two: The 40th Day! Or as I like to call it: Army of Two Two. Simply because it sounds more fun that way.
So we just finished the game (co-op of course) and I have a few remarks.
First of all, it's FUN! When it comes to setting traps, flanking and general ass-kicking, the game really delivers!
They could have put a few more guns in the game, though. Sidearms, at least. Especially since they weren't half bad in this one.

One thing that we really wondered about was the story. In Army of Two the story wasn't the greatest, but you could follow it. In Army of Two Two Salem a Rios are in Shanghai to do... something. Place beacons, apparently. And then everything starts going down-hill, and people everywhere pick up hand baskets.
And so you fight your way through the city, battling other mercenaries hired by... someone or other. And you meet strange asian people who seem to know more about the situation than they let on. And all of a sudden propaganda leaflets are everywhere. And then you get captured, but a russian merc help you escape. And then the hired mercs fighting you shoot down your chopper (which were going to get you out of the city), Salem decides he wants to kill the guy pictured on the propaganda leaflets. And then! At the end of the penultimate level, you have an antagonist! And it still doesn't make any sense, because the evil dude has been using the beacons you placed and... eh.

Crappy story, but oh Gods it is fun to play!

Maybe this will work...

2010-01-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

I still don't remember what I meant to blog about, but I'm hoping this will spark my memory (though I'm not having high hopes).

Both my roommate and I are very nerdy, but sometimes I forget just how nerdy. That's when the apartment finds a way to remind me. This time was a good one. I poured some cola into my glass and put the bottle on the floor. I felt there was something underneath it. I picked up two figurines, looked at them and turned to my girlfriend and said: "Huh, there was a Dire Rat and a Goblin on the floor."
Then I realised that that was the first time I've ever said that. Not a big surprise, I know, but when I say things like that they tend to dawn on me, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure I know what I mean, but I was going in that direction. If you know what I mean, cool!

Still nothing on what I was going to blog about. And the more time that passes, the better I think it is. If this goes on for another month or so, I will be convinced this is the greatest story ever, that, sadly, will go un-told.

This is really starting to bug me...

OH!
I just remembered!
HAH!
FUCKING YUS!
*cough*
Right.
I watched Zombieland a couple of days ago. I really enjoyed it, but as the movie progressed something came to mind. Pamela Andersson did a guest appearance in Futurama and there she refers to "Baywatch - The Movie" as the first movie ever to be shot completly in slow-motion.
Now!
Watching Zombieland, funny and filled with inventive ways of killing zombies as it is, I can tell that those days are almost upon us. If I remember correctly, the entire into sequence is in shlo-moh.
But it is the first zombie movie that I've seen that comes with zombie survival tips, so 10 extra points!
And the Bill Murray thing was just friggin hillarious, I almost fell off the couch.

Huh...

2010-01-20T04:10:00.000-08:00

There was something I wanted to share with you, but it jumped out the window.
I'll get back to you.

A feast for the eyes

2010-01-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

I saw Avatar last night.
I watched it in 3D and now having seen it, I can say it's the only way to see it. And if you think that sounds like a compliment, it's really not.
Well, kinda. But kinda not.
Let me put it like this: It is so gorramn pretty! It's like someone were to shove a rainbow into your eyes while they're playing tribal music in the background. But that's where it stops.
It's not even that funny, and I know damn well they tried at several points.
I told Griffin (who I went to see it with) that if they muted the dialogue, it would still be just as good.
If you want to watch the movie for the plot, just watch Pocahontas.

And am I the only one who finds Sigourney Weaver oddly sexy? She's not pretty, but there's something about her. Maybe it's just me.

But back to Avatar.
If it won't win an Oscar for best visual effects I will be very surprised, but it's no "movie of the year" material.
In other words: it kinda lived up to my expectations.

Sweet, sweet internet!

2010-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I suppose I should start off by saying happy new year to all 3 of you. May it not suck all too much.

And speaking of not sucking. I spent my entire christmas with my parents (first 3 days with my mother, the last 4 with my father) and *it* did not suck! I got into one little argument with my father, but I was expecting that. My mom and I got along great the entire time. Very weird, and new, but nice in the end.

But now it is time to boast a bit!
When I was at my dad's place, I spent a lot of time playing computer games with my brother. We tried various ones, but nothing seemed to catch our interest for long. Until we decided to try Company of Heores. We didn't want to play against eachother, because we play RTS games the exact same way: build up defences and then slowly use the long guns to take the enemy out. So we teamed up against the AI. I don't know if you've played this game, but if you have, you'll be very aware of the fact that the AI in the game doesn't fuck around. Even set to easy, you'll be fending off assaults after just a few minutes, and they'll be getting bigger and sneakier each time.
Anyways, we figured, us against two AI opponents.
We started off with two easy ones, which we beat... well, easily.
Then normal, which gave us more than a hard time, but after a lot of sweating and shouting at the screen, we managed to beat them too.
By this time it was about 2am and one of us (can't remember which one) suggested that we should get some sleep and the other one replied: "Yes, we could do that... ooooor... we try to hard opponents."
Needless to say, we stayed up for 5 more hours. We tried and we tried but we could not beat those fuckers. If we set up anti-infantry they sniped them, if we set up anti-armour they just sent thougher armour, if we set up anti-heavy armour they sent artillery-strikes.
Until...
Our last game, which lasted one hour and 15 minutes (and we saved the replay just so we could watch it and laugh at how bad-ass we are). And when we were done watching, we hugged. And then my dear, dear brother looked at me and said: "You know... there's the 'brutal' difficulty setting too..."
So we're gonna try that next time I visit.

As to the title of this entry, believe it or not, this is the first time in over a week that I've had internet. I was starting to have withdrawals...

And oh yes.
I'm not dead!

That stench!

2009-12-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

When I was about 8 years old, my dad took me moose-hunting. Because I was so young, he didn't want to risk walking around with me, so we found a post and stayed there. After a few hours, my grandfathers brother shot a moose. My dad asked me if I wanted to come see, and of course I did. When we arrived our hunting-dog was on the ground, gnawing away at a bone, as happy as only a dog can be. My grandfathers brother (Per) had started cutting the moose open. The first thing I saw when I got there was the intestines of the animal being pulled out of its cut-open stomach. It was a sight I will never forget, not in a bad way. The smell however... It is also something I will never forget, but not in a good way.
Today, my sweetie and I cleaned our washing-machine. It has been broke for over 3 months, and we think it could be because of the 20 liters of filthy water left inside. Over two bucket-fulls of a black sludge that we think was once water.
The stench from that fluid was worse than the dead moose.
I'm pretty sure that if my nose hadn't been stuffed with december-snot I would still be gagging.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Nurgle had something to do with this. It was certainly a worthy tribute to his Unholy Name.

Rise, servants of the Emperor!

2009-12-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the last Dark Heresy session for my group before the holidays. Since we finished a big adventure last time, this will just be a time-filler. And since this is 40k, that filling will be HORRIBLE! We're ALL gonna die in the most HORRIBLE way imaginable! All in the name of the Emperor, of course.

Anyways.
My first character with this group was a cleric (and I was unaware of their sweet, sweet paychecks when I made him) but he didn't really turn out the way I wanted; I focused way too much on talents, so by the end I had few skills and low stats compared to the other guys. But like they say: you always remember your first. And I do. I grew very fond of him. Especially when he landed a critical hit. There was that one time when I killed a guy hiding behind steel plates. And I got my Eviscerator towards the end there.

But then we changed game master, which brought with it a completly new setting and plot, so new characters were almost a given.
I decided to stay within the religious area, so I rolled a tech-priest. He's useless in a gun-fight and even more useless in a melee fight, although I'm gonna work on the ballistic part. Mostly because I want to fling balls of electricity at people.
Anyways. He was pretty useless in most other things to begin with, but after said last big adventure, he's starting to turn that around. I'm going to cling to this one for a long time.
Especially since I discovered this today. Look at the product at the bottom of the page.
New talents and skills? Oh yes.
New psychic powers? Hell yes.
New career advancements? *grin*

I know it's a long way away, I'm only rank 3 with my wee cogboy, but I seriously doubt that will stop me from day-dreaming.

They look like dildoes

2009-11-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

Slither.
If you haven't heard about it, I wouldn't be surprised. It's a horror movie by the dude who did the re-make of Dawn of the Dead. It's supposed to be inspired by the 80's horror-movie style. Something supernatural and comic relief. Which it sort of pulls off, I guess. Sort of being the key phrase here.
So anyways!
A meteorite crashes in a forrest somewhere in North America, a lá The Blob and this jelly thing crawls out, a lá The Blob. Dude McDudeson walks over one drunken night and it shoots him in the chest with a needle. Think Bodysnatchers meets Alien and you're almost there.
Anyways, the needle contains a seed, which travels to the brain and takes over controll of the victim. He now sets off to find a... hmm, what to call it... breeder? Nevermind, I'll get to that in a moment.
McDudeson finds a fair maiden (he's really married to this blond thing, but he wuvs her too much to impregnate her with his Spock-sauce), he gets her down on a couch and out of his chest comes... TENTACRU MONSTRU! Which then proceeds to stab her in the stomach in a very suggestive way until penetration has been achieved. He now takes her to a barn in the middle of the woods and start bringing her meat. An abundance of meat. His appearance is also changing, he now looks like the inbred, retarded son of Cthulhu and a squid, with the calming smile of Gary Busey. The meat he's been bringing is mostly cows, and farmers around the forrest has started to notice they don't have as many Buttercup's as they used to. Cops have a stake-out. Squid-boy arrive and pummels a cow to death, and starts dragging it off into the woods. They find the barn and inside is the blond thing, only now, she's the size of... well, The Blob at the end of The Blob. Turns out McDudeson wanted them to go there, because now blobbie bursts open and the Slither thingies are now everywhere. They look like really, really blood-red penises, they want to get inside you and the only way they can do this is through the mouth. The way to counter this is just to cover your mouth. Even a hankerchief will do. No, really.
So now they start spreading across the rural community. There's one girl (she looks totally legal) who's in the bathtub when one of the things trys to full throttle her, but apparently she really doesn't like it in the mouth, she bites down, she uses her (freakishly over-done) nails and she gets the sucker out (see what I did there?), but not until it transfers the memories of the hive-mind, all the worlds it has slaughtered. Oh yes, it's a hive-mind.
Anyways, she is now Explanation Girl!
She has two important lines in the movie, one is to let blondie and the hero (who's a sheriff, by the way) know that it's a hive-mind, a really old one. The other I'll get back to in a wee moment.
So once the flesh-wand has penetrated you, you either turn into a "breeder" or a fighter, who look and act like zombies. Ish.
So blondie, the sheriff and Explanation Girl set off into town, blondie gets captured because McDudeson is still part human and still loves her. He now has enough tentacles to fill the first 5 episodes of a high-budget hentai series and has gained enough weight to make Jabba the Hutt look slim.
Anyways, the sheriff arrives, gets stabbed in the stomach, but only by one of the tentacru thingies, he shoves the other into a propane tank, filling McDudeson up with gas, and then blondie shoots him. Ka-boom.
Now Explanation Girl gets to deliver her second important line: "It only works if you get stung by both".
Whole town dead, the three of them set off for the next village, where they have a hospital.
Normally, this kind of movie wouldn't attrach me that much. Mostly because it looks like one of those horror movies where something in nature suddenly develop a strong hatred for humans. Jaws, Anaconda, Piranha and Leeches! just to name a few. See, the cover is Explanation Girl lying in the tub and a few Slither's crawling into it. I figured it was just another Leeches! thingy.
However, had they made it more clear that the sheriff is played by Nathan Fillion I just might have watched it sooner.
Oh yes, the sheriff is Cap. Mal himself!
Did the movie pull that comedy and horror blend off? Almost. A good try.
Did mr. Fillion save the movie? He most certainly did.

Assassino

2009-11-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

I've spent most of this week in Oslo. I had this... umm... City Watchman course thingy. I have no idea what the term is in english, but in norwegian it's 'vekter'. Instead of taking the train every day, I crashed on Griffin's couch. I passed the course, but that's not what this is about.
Griffin bought Assassin's Creed 2 the day I arrived. He already had Modern Warfare 2, which looks really good, especially the co-op missions. But we didn't get around to them. Because there was some stylish assassinations to be done.

First of all, the game REALLY likes achievements. At the start of the game (in the animus, mind you) you basically get one for sitting through a cinematic. If you do everything right and fast, you can after 10-15 minutes of (pre and post animus) play have achievements worth about 60 points. I know the achievement system is a bit pointless. It can be fun, if there are some hard ones, those I don't mind, from a hypocritical point of view.
My point is, sitting through a cinematic requires only an ass. Most people have asses, and if they don't, I know a guy in England who performs arcanite colonoscopies. I'm sure he could whip something up.
Anyways!
Apart from the ridiculously easy achievements at the start, the game is awesome!
To use a well-used phrase: the running-jumping-climbing bit is still great fun, and even the most bone-shattering accident can look intentional. Which was our excuse of choise.
You can change your armour and weapons. And by change, I mean buy. Since that's usually how it works. And they've introduced new weapons, you're no longer stuck with the standard 'sword, dagger, throwing knives and wrist-blade' package. You can't change the wrist-blade, but why would you?! They beefed it up aswell, so it's even more fun this time!
I'm a big fan of the warhammers you can buy. They're not great for parrying, nor are they very fast, but their "finishing moves" are mind-blowing (literary *wink, wink*)
You can change your colour-scheme, but that's just gravy.
You also get a town which you can upgrade. It provides a steady income and stores with a nifty discount.
That seems to be a new thing in games, by the way. Same thing in Neverwinter Nights 2. I'm not complaining, I really like it! Odds are you're going to end up with every upgrade anyways, but the process is fun. The income towards the end isn't bad either.
And they've "fixed" a lot of things, and based on what I've seen, it seems the only person they listened to is Yahtzee. You no longer have to travel by horse from town to town. You can, but there's a quick-travel system now. Also, all the "quests" you had to do before each assassination in the first one are now gone. The missions are a lot more fluent, the information-gathering part has been nicely incorporated into the main part.
The fights can still drawn out for a while, but quite frankly, I don't understand why Yahtzee complained about that part. I think it's fun to be surrounded by 7-8 (or more) guards and finish them all off with blood-splattering executions. Especially if you are wielding a warhammer *hurr, hurr*
However, if you don't fancy the fights, there are several ways around them. The way Griffin and me preferred it was to hire hookers to distract the guards with their boobie-shaped boobies (oh, sorry Griffin, not hookers, courtesans)

A norwegian magazine (can't remember which one) called it "Zelda for grown-ups". Not the best of analogies, but I can see where the reporter was going with it. A nice compliment for a fantastic game.

An actual follow-up!

2009-11-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

Still playing Dragon Age: Origins, and I'll most likely start a new game once I'm done (28 hours played (with little faffing about) and still not done) and another one after that, probably.
So, the berserker class is pretty much a berserker; grab something two-handed and get angry.
There is another thing in the game that is sort of getting on my nerve though. There is a lot of talking going on. I'm no stranger to western RPG's, but Dragon Age takes it to a new level. Thankfully most dialogue is skippable, so I won't have to worry about that once I start a new character.
But while we're on the dialogue-part, there's something about it that I really like. And hate. And catches me off-guard constantly. In most western RPG games your replies in conversations can for the most part be broken down to: Lawful good, true neutral and chaotic evil replies (I know there are more shades than that, but you get my drift). It's different in this game. It might seem that way, until you realise just about every single character you encounter will respond differently to everything you have to say. Suppose you're chatting along with one of your female companions (because they have boobs and you'd like to see them bounce up and down without any of that pesky clothing getting in the way) and she tells about her difficult childhood. You tell her you are sorry to hear that, and if she ever wants to talk about it you're there for her. She purses her lips (ach, waily waily!) and makes it perfectly clear that she's not after sympathy. So you go to the other set of boobs, because they're suddenly looking perkier. You try the same thing again, and she says you're so nice, and such a good... friend. Yaaay...
There's no full frontal nudity in the game (I know because my berserker got himself a dwarven hooker at one point), but every single man (and probably most ladies too) playing it can picture the sweat glistening on the boobies as they rock back and forth, the hairy man-balls slamming against her thighs, harder each time.
Don't lie, I know you can.
Moving on!
So that's most of the dialogue, and I think that's part of the game's diabolical plan! Because after a while you get really used to it and then all of a sudden BAM! You're face to face with two leaders of two battling factions. There's no follow-up question, BUT YOU THINK THERE IS GOING TO BE! At this point the game sits down, grabs a cup of coffee and says to you in a smug voice: "Which ones do you want?"
As you already know, that thing with the elves vs werewolves worked out just fine, but there were a couple of other times when I had to drag my sorry self to the sanctuary that we call auto-save.

One last thing!
And I should probably do this:

< S P O I L E R >

So, at one point there's this kid, son of some royal dude you need for your army against the enemy. He's 10 or something. You quickly realise he's possessed by a demon. You end up fighting the demon (although I'm sure there's other ways to do it in this game). Once the fighting is over, the kid is lying unconscious on the floor. Here's where I really started paying attention. The mother of the kid is by his side, crying her eyes out, telling you that surely the nearby chapel must be able to exorcise the demon. Again you have two choises: take the kid to the priests or... OR!... knock the mother unconscious and slit the kids throat (I'm guessing, you didn't get to see that part, but you pull out a knife and there's a slicing sound). As you might have guessed, I took the not to politically correct path. I might also have been grinning slightly.
If you find me cruel because of this, then boo-hoo sucks to be you. First of all, it is no secret that I don't really approve of children (although I'm sure my younglings will be awesome). And second, I salute Dragon Age for daring to put something like that in their game. Even in the bloodiest of games, children have always been off limits (at least for you, the player). I'm sure there are other games out there where this has been done before, but this was my first experience with something like this and I found it oddly refreshing.
And you can bet your sweet ass that I'll be doing exactly the same thing the second time around.

< / S P O I L E R >

Oh, and if you're playing this, or plan to: get the DLC package where you get the golem henchman. He's awesome.

Do you want make fuck? Berserker!

2009-11-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that if you're reading this you're aware of the game Borderlands. I could never get behind that game 100%, mostly because ever since it was annouced, it has been hyped all across the hills, up the mountain and then dumped on the other side of it. First of all, the FPS-RP thingamabob has been done before, and now that I've tried Borderlands, I can say that Mass Effect did it better. Second, over 200,000 weapons, all from the random weapon generator or whatnot. Yeah, you can go fish for that one gun that MIGHT exist and then walk among the mutated population like some trigger-happy deity, but chances are you are still going to stick with the same 3-4 kinds of weapons all through the game. Don't get me wrong, I like me a wide array of firearms, but these guys take it too far. Again, Mass Effect did this the simpler (and better) way with fewer guns but the option to mod them.
The humor is good though, so I'll give that point to Borderlands.

But anyways!
Dragon Age: Origins!
So far... it's been living up to my expectations. And my expectations were as follows: I want to run around as a dwarven berserker, wielding a two-handed axe that would justify even the smallest of penises, slaughtering anything that looks at me funny. And so far... that's what I've been doing.
There was that one quest where I could choose to either help a bunch of whiny emo-elves or a coven of badass werewolves with (american) indian names. Just like elves in any setting, these tried to play that "We're an ancient race, and oh so fucking pragmatic, we know all the answers" card with me. Poor, pointy-eared shitbags never saw them coming! *mad cackle*
My only issue with the game (so far) is the difficulty-curve, which seems to be about as decisive as a caffeine-addicted monkey with ADHD. Eating sugar.

But all in all, I'm liking it. Now all I have to do is unlock the Berserker class, and then heads will REALLY start to roll.

Whiny fucking maggots!

2009-11-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

So, someone I know recommended the movie Babylon AD to me. Had I given more thought to the nature of said person, I probably wouldn't have seen it. But fuck it, right? I saw it, and it's not a proper movie!
I'm not sure what it is, but there are several things lacking; maybe a complete plot, an ending that makes sense or at least the feeling that you know what the hell is going on.
But anyways.
This is not a review, the "movie" just got me thinking. One of the female protagonists is called Aurora (and I can't be bothered to look her real name up), and she is set on getting Vin Diesel's character to start loving people, start seeing the good in all of us. He plays a mercenary living in eastern Europe. I haven't met many of those, but they don't seem like the smiling bunch to me.
Anyways.
Life is sacred, is what they're trying to tell us. It even ends with mr Diesel saying: "Save the planet. One baby at a time," or something like that. First of all, I hope you, my faithful readers, know where I stand on the whole "Save the planet" bullshit, so I won't bother repeating myself (for once *ba dum dish*). But that there's a spark of good in all of us... let's have a go at that one, shall we?
The human race is a very proud race. That is to say, our pride is usually the cause to our fall. But what would pride be without a dash of egotism? "Me first, other people second. And I'm too fucking proud to change my ways."
I'm not saying I'm different, I'm just tossing my two cents about. Most people don't do good just because. They do good because they want something in return. Approval, status, recognition, sex-appeal or sometimes just guilt-trip fodder.
My point is, people who try to "make a difference" usually marks them as someone who is after something in my book. No wait, let me rephrase that. People who try to "make a difference" and let you know that they do... suspicious lot that.
Come to think of it, I don't trust people who do "good things" and keep quiet about it either. Mostly because of my views on that whole "save the planet" crap.

My other major psychotic fucking hatred (pet-peeves are for pussies) often go hand in hand with "save the planet", and that is of course "save the children".
I will say that my views on the subject has changed over the last few months. I know now that I do at some point in my life want to be a father. I still think that most children are either unpleasant looking or smelly, or both. Both seems to be very popular whenever I'm around.
But, what I'm getting at. The children don't need saving anymore, because they are among the most arrogant, narcissistic pieces of shit these days. And it's all because of this "think of the children" shit-storm that is raging all over. We mustn't be harsh or raise our voice or, god forbid, our fist. Let the bio-chemical dumpling do whatever he or she pleases until he or she grows up to find out the world doesn't work like that.
And suddenly there's a WAVE of middle-age people talking to psychiatrists about "parental issues". Their parents loved them, just not enough according to Whiny McCrypants lying on the couch there.
Let them grow up with a fucking sense of reality! Let the little twats know that if they want to walk the walk and talk the talk, they better expect a fist in the face.
And let me just clarify: I'm not saying "hit your kids", I'm saying: let your kids know that you're not making empty threats.

And lastly, there's not good in every one of us. All you have to do to figure this out is read the news. Some criminals are misunderstood, yes, but some are just throught and through sick and evil.
I say we introduce a form of personal justice.
Say a murderer, or a rapist, or a pedophile, or a sociopathic serial-killer, or a kidnapper, or whatever, has been caught. Hand the perpetrator over to the families of the victims. They get 24 hours. The cops will not ask questions, under any circumstances.
Just a thought.

Bricks was almost shat.

2009-10-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

I watched Paranormal Activity with my girlfriend this weekend.
It's a very low-budget movie. Think The Entity filmed Blair Witch Project-style.
And just like the Blair Witch, you're supposed to think it's real.
Unlike Blair Witch, however, it is well made and was really creepy for the most part.
As some of you know, I enjoy horror-movies, and although I got the bumps during this movie, it was not something groundbreaking. That is, until last night. I was lying in bed (my "room" is on the first floor), reading Salamander (really good Chapter book, despite the slightly Deus Ex Machina moment towards the end). Anyways, I was about to put the book down and fall asleep when suddenly there came a REALLY loud knocking (which I moments after found out came from outside). Now, had this been a normal evening I probably just would have giggled at the Doctor Who reference, but this was no normal evening. I had just seen Paranormal Activity.
I almost shat myself. If you think you're being haunted (you know who you are), DO NOT watch this movie. I'm quite possitive it will kill you.

I finished Salamander today, and am now reading Space Wolf - The Second Omnibus. In other news, I seem to be listening to a lot of Manowar today.
Especially

Hail and kill!

Brütal

2009-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

There is a part of this entry which I have no idea at all how to formulate, so I'll just start with the easy part.

Brütal Legend.
Normally I don't care for Jack Black. I think he's overrated and he always drag things too far. That being said, Brütal Legend is an extremely legen... wait for it... dary(!) game! I don't know what happened to him, maybe someone hit him with the funny-stick as he was falling off the funny-mountain or something, but the game really, really, really sucked me in. I haven't cleared it yet, but what are weekends for, right?
It could be that this action-adventure-RTS (I know, right?) is filled with kick-ass music (Manowar - Dawn of Battle playing while you're driving around in your car of death, shooting wildlife with your mounted turrets) or that the dialogue, no matter how cheesy, is awesome, but most likely it is because Rob fothermucking Halford is in it! Lemmy and Ozzy are in it too, and they rock like they always do (Ozzy without that awful baggage that passes for a family), but it's Rob gakking Halford!
Rob Halford, as we all know, is the singer in Judas Priest, one of the greatest heavy metal bands of all time. When it was time for my first RTS moment in the game they play One Shot At Glory (from Painkiller) in the background and it gave me the goosebumps, of course, but I also almost had an erection. Kinda freaky, I know, but The Priest means a lot to me and when I saw them live in Oslo a few years ago... Best. Concert. Ever. (the fact that In Flames was the warm-up band only sweetened the deal)
So anyways!
Rob Halford is in it, Lemmy and Ozzy. There's good old Black Sabbath, Manowar and Judas Priest playing constantly (loads of other great metal songs, just so you know), kick ass dialogue and a really weird game-concept that happenes to work and the bad guy (tm) is voiced by Tim Curry!
Could you ask for more?!
Oh yeah, there's a bunch of amazon-women in very tiny outfits with KISS-makeup on too. That wasn't too shabby either.
I'll get back to you on this once I've played it through.

Now for the hard part of this entry.
Gods, I thought I would have figured out how to word this by now, but seems I'm shit-out-of-luck and jolly-well-fucked. Let's just try and see what comes out.
The Hangover.
It's a movie.
Good. So far so good.
It looked like yon average Dude, Where's My Car kind of movie, but then people I know who in their right mind would never watch movies like that started recommending it. So we (my sweetie, an english person and myself) watched it last night.
At first, it seemed like just another american teen comedy. Some really disturbing dialogue, sure, but we didn't pay much mind.
It started getting gradually weirder by the minute, but I think we had that "slowly boiling a frog" thing going on, it was so gradual that we didn't notice.
The Mike Tyson was in their hotel-room, singing Phil Collins, looking for his stolen tiger and then things got really fucked up.
There's a gay-passing-for-straight Yakuza leader, there's the stolen cop-car, there's the infant in the closet and a chicken on a piano. And more.
I'm not sure what else to say about it.
I can' spoil it for you, because my brain refuses to remember the whole thing. But if you feel you don't have enough brain-hemorrhaging going on, then I heartily recommend this movie.
Actually, even if you do like your brain undamaged and fully functioning, you should still watch it. It's one of those "have to watch once, and for the mother of all that is holy and pure, only once" movies.

Those boys in blue

2009-10-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

Another update and once again the topic is 40k.
I know I talk a lot about this, but if you are reading this then you probably know me well enough to know that I'm a 40k whore.
My buddy Tom and I were talking about 40k on msn a couple of days ago. We started talking of titles we're looking forward to and somewhere around there in the converstation did I say: "Being a 40k fan is not a hobby, it's a frikkin lifestyle..."
Tom didn't disagree, per se, but his reply was: "Games Workshop are a bunch of cunts, that's what it is!".
He does have a point, we all know it.

But anyways!
Codex Pictures are working with those cunts, making...
*drum-roll*
Ultramarines - A Warhammer 40k movie!
I suppose it will go hand in hand with Space Marine, although I'm guessing the game will arrive first, since the only place you can find any kind of information about the movie is on Codex Pictures homepage. The fact that they chose Ultramarines sort of surprised me, I always thought that when the first 40k movie would arrive, it would be about Blood Ravens, or some Inquisitor.
And yes, it will be a CGI movie.
Which I for one think will work out great for the 40k universe. I wouldn't mind one with actual actors and such, but I understand if directors want to go the other way. And besides, this way Games Workshop (the cunts) will be able to make things exactly the way they want.

So!
The Ultramarines.
Not my favorite chaper. Yes, they're badass, but there are chapters out there who are badasser. Still, they have Marneus Calgar. I'm really hoping to see him in the movie. But not as much as I'm hoping for Varro Tigurius. The strongest (living) human psyker in the known universe!

I'll be watching this sssssssstraight to dvd feature with great interest!

Wheeeeee!

2009-10-16T06:46:00.001-07:00

Been a couple of weeks since I last posted.
Mostly I've been trying to get my unemployed ass into action, but I've also been lying in bed, coughing and expelling all kinds of funny coloured mucus.

But yes!
Last night before I went to bed I noticed that Dawn of War 2 was patching itself. I crossed my fingers and lo and behold: The Last Stand was on its way down! So today, after my deathmatch with the bureaucracy that is the government of Norway I sat down and had a wee gander.

Lately I haven't been playing Dawn of War 2 much. I've played through the campaign more than enough times and custom games against the AI will only hold me for so long. The weird thing about this game is that I want to play it online. The only other game that did that to me was Command & Conquer: Generals. I usually suck at games when it comes to online play (which is why I don't PvP much in MMO's), but with these two games am I not only having enough fun to venture down that slippery slope, but I also feel that my skills are adequate enough to survive for more than 5 minutes. My problem with Dawn of War 2 online is other players. I've played through 3 online games out of many. My computer can run the game, quite nicely according to my standards, but when we toss other players into the mix things take a while longer to load (still nothing to rant about, says me) and things like that. So the other people often end up kicking me from the game. The fact that my internet connection is what an optimist on a sunny day MIGHT refer to as wobbly probably doesn't help either.

But anyways!
The Last Stand.
I don't know if THQ are still working on a kick function for it or if I just ended up with patient and friendly people.
Either way, I just played 4 rounds, back to back and am now the proud owner of a level 4 Space Marine captain.
The add-on is everything I wanted it to be, and it had ressurected the game for me, and will most likely keep me going until that delicious expansion arrives!

Which reminds me!
Graham McNeill is out with the Horus Heresy book Thousand Sons this month, and Dan Abnett is out with Prospero Burns next month! The first one covering the Thousand Sons during the Heresy and the second one what the Space Wolves thought about their shenanigans.
Gleee!

The X-men and I go way back.

2009-10-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

I played through Ultimate Alliance 2 yesterday. I started playing the day before yesterday. I don't mean to say it was a great game I couldn't tear myself away from, I'm saying it's not the longest of games.
Griffin and me played through the first one a couple of times, but that was because we had absolutely nothing else to do.
They've made some improvements. For a start, you now only have 4 powers; one for each of the coloured buttons on the controller. Second, the fatality-move or whatever you would call it has been redone. Instead of all 4 heroes unleashing the same old "imma chargin' mah laz0r" move over and over, the one you controll targets another hero(/villian) and then they combine their powers to unleash hell. It's semi-unique for each combination of heroes(/villains), but even that gets repetitious towards the end when you'll be using them every alternate step.

You start off with Captain America (whose lines were written by Steven Seagal for this game, I think), Iron Man, Spiderman and Wolverine. You're marching on Doomstadt, under direction of Nick "Badass" Fury.

And let me just say that Dr Doom is probably one of my favorite Marvel villains. Mostly because he is so über-evil all of the time that is borders on cheesy. Second because he has a tendency to use the word doom as frequently as possible. Doom-bots, doom-ray, Doomstadt.
I don't know why the word doom mixed with quasi-german is so hillarious, but it gives me the giggles.

Anyways.
As soon as I had the option, my team consisted of Storm, Iceman, Deadpool (which is still as awesome as always) and Wolverine.
I wanted Thor, but you have to unlock him by finding runes spread throughout the game, and they are not frequent at all! I didn't get him until the second last mission. Anyways, he became team-leader and replaced Iceman. I wanted a team with Storm and Thor in it. It just felt... sexy, somehow.
And then, for the last mission in the game, you unlock Venom and Green Goblin. Two characters I would have liked from the start.
So anyways, the team that saved the world: Thor, Storm, Green Goblin and Venom.
I'm not giving away spoilers, but the last boss-fight was embarrasingly easy. It could be because I was pounding his face with Mjolnir non-stop, but to me it just seemed like an attrition fight.

Like I said, better than the first one, but not a fantastic game.

Why yes, I am bored.

2009-09-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

One my favorite 40k posters is the one with the symbol of The Inquisition and beneath it says:
Even if you have nothing to hide, you still have something to fear.

So anyways, I was just messing about with the google translator (english to traditional chinese). Mainly for giggles. Start off with a saying or quotation, and it can take you to really funny and surreal places. Seriously, Monty Python in all their glory would go: the fuck?

Anyways, I punched in the Inquisition one, and it just translates once, and let me say, the PR people of the Holy Ordos (and let's say for the sake of argument that they DO in fact have PR people) should really have a gander at this:

Even if you have nothing to hide, you still have something to fear.

Translates into:

即使你沒有什麼可隱瞞的，你還有什麼可擔心的。 (if you can see the specific signs, good for you)

Which translates back into english:

Even if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about.

And then it loops.
Made me giggle, anyways.
Especially if you picture a century-old inquisitor with enough bionic implants to make a tech magos squirt (oil, you sick fucks) and a bolt-pistol with enough attached exterminators to render a Salamander Space Marine speechless give voice to this new slogan of theirs.
All the more fun if he has the voice of a concerned grandparent.

I'll shut up now.

No explanation at all...

2009-09-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

So I was just lying on a friend's couch today, doing nothing and thinking about less. Then MacGyver came on the TV, and since he is made of win and cheesy, I had to watch it. He once stopped a nuclear reactor from going critical with a chewing-gum. If only for the laughs, you have to watch it. Kick-ass intro-music too.
But anyways.
Now the awful force of nostalgia was creeping up on me, and I noticed that... Baywatch was coming up an hour later. My first thought was: "Awww, I used to watch that show every single day. You know, back in the early 90's, but no. No, no, no."
But since I'm the kind of guy to watch movies like Sex Trek and Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, I ended up watching the crap anyways.
And I must have suppressed A LOT of that show, because the ammount of cheese that overtook me as soon as it started (and by that, I mean it started with the friggin intro) was mind-numbing.
I don't know what it is about The Hoff (that's his name, in my book), but just seeing him makes me giggle.
Anyways.
As the episode started, I thought it was the shark one.

And let me just-side step for a moment.
I have to problem watching that episode. The shark in that episode is the weirdest one I have ever seen (it even beats the one from Jaws 4 that seems to be made out of card-board). It morphs between being a Great White, Tiger and Bull shark. I remember the first time I saw it, I could not be more than 9-10 years old. My parents, way aware of my phobia about sharks at this point, asked me if I was ok watching the episode. At first I wasn't, because the first shots were just of a Great White, then it was a Tiger, then Great White, then Bull then Tiger again. I remember sitting leaned over in the couch telling them I was fine, I was just trying to figure out the shark (or something like that anyway).

Anyways.
The episode.
Swimmer attacked in the water by something with teeth. At first they all thought it was a shark, but then they said no, because the width of the bite wasn't big enough. Because as we all know, every single shark species has the same jaw-size.
Doi.
Then they thought it could have been a barracuda, but no. The ones they had in the area wasn't big enough, and rarely attacked people. Could be true for all I know, I know squat-all about them. Then they had this brief moment were they all thought (but didn't voice) it was something... mythical...
But then it turns out it was a croc, living in the L.A. sewers.
Then it got boring and I stopped paying attention.

But the real reason I felt I had to put this down in words was because I had totally forgotten about the fact that the girls in the show used to day-dream, and these day-dreams usually featured them posing for a camera in increasingly slutty outfits.

Although it just makes me giggle these days, I can see why my hormones used to sit me down in front of the TV and watch this like a slave.

I also forgot that the show used to have laughing endings. You know what I'm talking about. Someone does something silly, and the rest start laughing as the credits roll.
Gods, nostalgia sucks.

WWWAAAAAAARRRRRRBLBLBLBLBLBLGGGGHHHHHH!

2009-09-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

So.
The first expansion for Dawn of War II has been announced.
Chaos Rising is the name of the wonderful little baby that we are all looking forward to, I'm sure. Let's see... new abilities, new armour (and the option to wear chaos armour (might give you extra bonuses, but there may be... additional costs)), the level cap raised to 30, the option to import a save-game from Dawn of War II.
And oh! Oh! Oh!
I'm going to assume that most of you have played Dawn of War, or have at least heard of, or seen it being played.
Right.
As you might know then, the chaos enemy in Dawn of War (and all the expansions) is Alpha Legion. If you, like me, have read Legion (by Dan Abnett), you know this is very, very, very wrong.
Well, ok. Maybe not that wrong, but they could have picked a better chaos army for those games.
Anyways.
It seems they have picked up on that little fact, because (and if you haven't figured out the painstakingly obvious fact that chaos will be the new army this time around (Imperial Guard next time then, eh?)) the baddies are none other than Black Legion.
I know!
They're such a lovey-dovey bunch, you just want to go hug them!
With the obvious exception of the World Eaters (and possibly Iron Warriors, I don't know that much about them), Black Legion might just be the angriest Legion out there, and it's giving me nerd-chills in all the right places.
Sadly no release-date as of yet, but there is this... hmm... add-on(?) coming for Dawn of War II soon-ish where just you, you and a friend or you and two friends team up and Space Marine/Eldar/Ork (one commander and a few squads) and then find out how long you can last against wave upon wave of tyranids. And what I mean by this is, you or you and your friends can play as either Space Marine or Ork (or Chaos when the expansion arrives) and have loads of fun without the Eldar!

...

I don't care what Ravenor has to say about it!

...don't tell Ravenor I said that.

Edit: trust me to leave a link out. You can read about both the expansion and "add-on" here: Chaos YAY!

Quite the weekend

2009-09-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

So, I kissed my girlfriend goodbye on friday and set course for Oslo.
There is only two reasons for me to go there:
1) P&P Roleplaying
2) Nerd-weekend with Jostein
This weekend, however, was an exception. One of our roleplaying buddies (Joacim) is in a marching-band, Corpsus Juris. The marching-band of the law-students at the university in Oslo. These (very sick) people decided to go Glam Rock for a night. That meant glittering make-up EVERYWHERE, exposed chests, tight pants (Gods, they were tight) and, of course, pelvic thrusts.
Joacim is not a skinny man. Not at all, actually. And to make things much, much, much worse, he had a sock down his pants.
He had dedication, I'll give him that.
As you might have guessed, there was no way in Muspelheim that I was going to expose myself to this sober. After two and a half beer (I drank half of Joacim's, as punishment for the exposed and sweaty man-belly), Jostein and me went off to a nearby bar to get something a bit stronger. Jostein offered to buy me a drink (and it will be snowing in hell before I say no to free alcherholes), and I was stupid enough to say "Surprise me!". So he got me the pinkest drink I have ever laid my eyes on. As some of you might know, it had a candy-flavoured candy flavour. But I drank the whole thing! And then the (swedish) bartender played some In Flames, I showed him my In Flames tattoo. He liked it and gave me some free crisps.
A while later, back at the concert hall, I was working on my 5th (I think) beer and feeling tipsy and more.
And then they started playing. False (and very high) notes were sung and pelvic areas were being thrusted in various directions. But despite all of the horrors before my eyes, I had a good time. Could be because the band chose some good songs to play (In My Dreams, Ballroom Blitz etc.), could be because I was well on my way to alchoholism.

Anways, the evening ended and Jostein and I crawled back to his place for a few hours of sleep. When I woke up the next day, I still felt drunk! And even though it may not mean much to you, it does to me. As far as I can remember, I have never woken up the next day, still feeling drunk. Hung-over, yes. But never drunk.
Luckily, Jostein knew the cure for that. Bacon, eggs and beans for breakfast.
Said my farewells to Jostein and headed for Skien. My brother is finally leaving his teen-years behind and joining the rest of us.
I was planing on getting him a CD, but I stopped by Outland while in Oslo, and saw this book.
I knew I had to get it for him.
And I was right!
He fukken loved it!

And speaking of that awesome actor Steven Seagal...
He's getting his own reality show.
It's coming this december.
This following comment will make you go "Oooof course he is".
Mr. Seagal is a sworn deputy of the law in the States.
His reality show?
It's kinda like Cops.
Only with Steven Seagal.
This decemeber.

I forgot!

2009-08-31T06:22:00.001-07:00

I have just seen one!
And before I start this thing, let me just say this, to you Emmy: we both know you're going to read this.

So, a little over a week ago I went over to a friend's place. We were four guys and one girl watching this porn. And even if it saves me just an ouche of dignity and the very odd looks I'm sure you are throwing my direction right about now, let me say this: we skipped most of the porn (I'll explain later on). This is the kind of porn you have to watch for the dialogue.
Because it is awesome.

The movie under the looking-glass this fine morning is called Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre. And I wish I could come up with a name like that, but looks like some (fuggen) genius from the more questionable neighbourhoods of Hollywood beat me to it.

So anyway!
It starts off with 5 kids (the jock (captain of the badminton team), the beefcake dude, the slut, the slut v2.0 and the video-taping nerd). The 4 "cool" kids (that is, the beefy dudes and the sluts who suckle their meaty tower of admiration) pick on the nerd from time to time, which seems to be a social must in all american movies featuring non-nerd teens. But I digress. It is usually the slut or the slut v2.0 who deliver the finishing blow in these rounds of verbal abuse, to which the captain of the badminton team always shouts: "Aaaah, burrrn!". He always does it, and they pick on the nerd quite a lot.
But anyways, I suppose I better start.
*cough*
The 5 kids are in a van, they're on their way to see the (I'm assumin) metal band Metallicide... I know! And it get's better!
So anyways. They're driving while listning to Generic Metal(tm), saying cool things like "Fuck yeah! Metallicide!" and "Aaaah, burrrn!". And they're also counting their blessings, all of them winning a ticket for the show without even entering any form of competition.
Suddenly, the slut v2.0 starts taking off her clothes, because the car is warm. The AC is not working(tm). And then the cool kids go from zero to fuck in less than a minute, while the nerdy one watches and video-tapes. So the two cool couples (the beefcake dude gets the slut v2.0 and the captain of the badminton team get the slut) are in the back of the van, banging their half-empty heads out. Fast forward past the generic fuck-scene. As the driver (ze captain) is finishing off thrusting his spunk-dripping flesh-staff of +10 love-makin' into the mouth of the slut, the nerd asked the question we were all waiting for: "Hey, who's driving?", to which the captain (of course) answered: "I'm driving, dude!".
Realisation dawns on him and all 5 of them panic to the front of the van. Thankfully, the van without a working AC has cruise-controll installed. Sadly for the redneck wearing a raincoat (on a sunny day?), the van does not have Avoid Pedestrian Controll installed. So they run him over. The kids are not sure what they hit, but they think it might have been a cow. So they back up to check what it was, and they do this as the redneck is getting up again. Crash, boom, bang. Now they decide to driver forward again to check again. This time he gets up and when they hit him he splatters blood on the front window. They finally stop driving and start debating if "it" is dead or not. After a few moments they get out and there... dead man. One of them wants to leave him in the ditch and just let the vultures pick him clean, but one of the sluts spontaneously grows a conscience and wants to take the body to the nearest authority. And since the guys combined have less balls than Lance Armstrong, the girls have their way. So they place the body in the back of the van. In an upright possition, of course. So they can sit next to the dead dude. And now that conscience is coming back to the sluts like a cunt-punt with a vengenace. So they nag the boys to fix it. After a few "Well, why me?" the captain straps the body to the top of the car. In an upright possistion, of course.
And que the car-accident. If memory serves, all 4 tired pulled a flat-line, they run out of gas, there's something wrong with the engine and I'm pretty sure there was something wrong with the lights aswell. The captain has a look. Surely he will fix this mess. He gets under the car, comes out and says: "Just as I suspected. I don't know anything about cars!". So they whip out their cell-phones to call for help.
No service?
No service.
At around this point in the movie, one of them notices that the dead dude is missing. I'll get back to that one, as it is awesome.
Plan B. Look for a phone nearby. The captain gathers the team and utters the awesome words: "As captain of the badminton team, I say the safest course of action is to split up." True to their captain's words, the girls wander off in one direction of the dark, scary woods and the guys wander off in another.
The girls are talking about mad redneck axe-murderers and such. The slut is getting uncomfortable and changes the subject:
-"So, if you were a phone, where would you be?"
-"In a phone-booth," answeres the slut v2.0.
-"...Ok. If you were a phone-booth, where would you be?"
-"At a gas station. Duh."
As this wonderful conversation goes on, they're approaching an old wooden hut. They knock on the door, hoping that there's a phone inside. An old dude with an axe opens the door. I can't really remember the conversation, but at one point the slut v2.0 asks him if he's an axe-murderer and he answers: "Nop! 'Less you count killin' firewood! Ah-heh-heh-heh-heh!". They end up by a camp-fire where he tells them of the Camp Cuddly Pines (that's where they are at the moment) murders. Flash-back to the 60's. Some young boy watches his sister bang some dude on the family couch (first sex scene in this movie in over 30 minutes!) and all of a sudden he's a sociopathic killer. He enteres the house and kills his sister with an electric bread-cutter. And if you've even used one of those, then you know that takes fucking dedication! Fast forward to the 80's. 'Nother couple banging, this time by a lake. The killer shows up with a cordless (awww) drill and... well... drills the drillers. And I might aswell tell you this now: this killer has super-powers: whatever tool he wields is immune to the laws of physics. Friction and density means nothing to the tools of the Camp Cuddly Pines Killer!!
One last stop in time, I think we're still in the 80's. The killer worked at an asylum for crazy-ladies. One day he enteres a room with 4 crazy-ladies in it, and they decide they want the cock. Being the big, strong and buff man that he is, he resists them with all the might of a crippled midget.

And let me just side-track for a moment here.
They could have done so much more with this scene, to make the fucking more watchable, in stead of yon generic hollywood-porn. First of all: four crazy ladies in one room, not one of them are strapped down. Not even a straight-jacket. Toss in one being strapped down and the rest in hug-myself-jackets and things could have been more interesting. Also. Metal beds and no padded walls. What's their mental illness, anyways? Insane caution? And all of them are wearing jewellery, one of them is even wearing a sizeable necklace around her waist! (waistlace?) You know... perfect strangle length and everything...
Jeez...
But I will give them this: very limited vocabulary. All they said (as far as I can recall) was: "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!" ...and... "Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!" This, of course, happened while the act of sucking or fucking was already well underway.

But anyways, the story goes he impregnated these crazy-ladies. Which I find just a bit hard to believe, since he came on their faces. Uptight bitches didn't even swallow... I know, right? And they're supposed to the gravel-eating batshit... Bah, I say! Bah!

Back to our time. The old dude has a radio he can use to call the authorities, and he does. Cut to our young, strapping lads! They're still walking around the woods, spooky sounds coming from all over the place, and the captain thinks that the safest course of action is to split up yet again. So beefcake dude (who plays the part of the evil pirate in Pirates, by the way) heads in one direction and the captain and the nerd heads back to the car. They get inside and hear spooky noises outside. They huddle up, Brokeback Mountain style and start sobbing. The slut v2.0 (and the reason I call her v2.0 is because she has bigger boobs and she looks dumber) and finds the lover-boys hugging eachother, rolls her eyes and tells them about old dude with an axe, and that he's let them borrow one of the cabins at Camp Cuddly Pines until the sheriff gets there.
Cue old dude with an axe on the radio with the sheriff. The sheriff says he will be there shortly, he just has to deal with something first. That something turns out to be a prostitute who has no money to pay her fine...
Yep.
Boring fuck-scene, but the sheriff is Captain James T. Quirk from Sex Trek! I'm sure you all remember my fantastic review of that one! Right?
Anyways, the sheriff comes and now he's gotta go (*rimshot* (which seems more appropriate to say than *ba-dum-dish* when talking about porn, wouldn't you agree?)).
Back at the cabin it's cold. Apparently those nights in the southern US can be quite chilly. Anyhoo, the girls want firewood, and lacking both a spine and metaphorical testicles, the captain goes outside to find something flamable.
Back to beefcake dude.
He stumbles upon (haha) his guardian spirit. His indian guardian spirit. The native american kind, not the red dot in your face kind. He made sure to ask her(!). And of course it's a her, and of course she's horny!

Once again, I have to sidetrack here.
They could have done something really cool with this scene de la fuck. Keep her corporeal (minus the mouth and the hoo-haa, of course). Some levitation, perhaps? And during the cumshot, make it pass right through her.
But no.

She manifests physically, and they have le sex.
And then the killer gets him, with his laws of physics defying powertools!
Back to the captain, out on his pussywhipped mission to find fuel for the fire. He comes upon a well and a twitchy girl with black, muddy hair and a white dress comes out of it. She starts twitching in his direction. He just stands there. Being a man! Not afraid of anything! Or just to dumb to realise he should run the fuuu-uh-uuck away? We will never know.
Anyways.
She says in this female Gollum voice that he has to come down in the well with her. It's the only safe place. She starts dragging him towards it, and he fights back with the power of a sedated sloth. When they're right by the well some... sort of... brain must have woken up within his skull and he starts to actually resist her. So she decides this is a good time to gobble his cock. And it seemed like it was going to be an interesting scene indeed, for she was staying in character. But as the goggling of said cock continued, she gradually began to slip out of it. Meh. Fast forward.
After the secksings, she still insists he should come down into the well with her. Apparently she lives down there! And has done so for quite some time!

And now I have to sidetrack yet again, because this raised some questions that I felt needed answering, and for the sake of this wall of text that I'm currently producing, I'll keep them short:
How the hell did she fit a make-up station down there?
How the hell did she fit a plastic surgeon (and his gear) down there?
If she lives down there, that means she goes number 1 and 2 down there, and I don't think that there's any room for separate plumbing, what with the surgeon and the make-up station... so what does she drink?
And she must have a dentist down there aswell, because the only source of food I can think of for this girl is unfortunate animals who fall in the well. Yet her teeth looked good! Maybe it's from all the love-juice she's suckled from unsuspecting men travelling by her well.
But noooo!
Not even crazy well girl does that.
Harrumph!

Anyways.
The act of passion over, he rejects her and she goes back into the well. Naked this time. Central heating down there too? Again, we will never know.
But now it is time for the captain to die.
I know, such a loveable (*rimshot*) character gone forever...
Back in the cabin, the slut v2.0 decides to leave and look for those who are lost and runs into the sheriff. He's actin' all crazy and she's actin' all crazy and there's hissy-fits thrown all over the place, ending in the sheriff getting a kick in the balls.
Back in the cabin it is finally time for the nerd to get some pussayh! Because the slut suddenly realises the nerd has been watching her. For a long time. Wherever she goes. And being the intellectual that she is, she decides this is a guy she wants to ride like there's no tomorrow. Secksings done (and she really liked it, to which he explains: well, I get a lot of solo practise), the slut set out to look for the others. The nerd finally heads out and runs into the sheriff. And he's actin' all crazy and the nerd's actin' all crazy and it ends up with the nerd kicking the sheriff in the balls. Somewhere around here the slut dies, the killer finally got her with his magical tools. Leaving us with the slut v2.0 and the nerd, who run into eachother in the woods. She is scared, she wants him to hold her...
Mhm...
Once they're done with their little act of intimacy (I think) the sheriff shows up yet again. And they're all actin' all crazy and it ends up with the slut v2.0 kicking him in the balls. Again!
She runs off in one direction and the nerd runs back to the cabin. Waiting there is... the Camp Cuddly Pines Killer!
Dun dun duuuuuuuuun!
And cue the slut v2.0... who's looking rather smug... She looks over at the killer and calls him daddy!! Say what?!?! Hamgz!!
The slut v2.0 is no slut v2.0 at all! And she would have gotten away with it too, had it not been for me, the pesky swedish blogger! *jumps into the mystery-solving van*
She's crazy psycho-bitch!
She entered them into the competition to win the Metallicide tickets!
She rigged the competition so that they would win!
She sabotaged the car... oh wait, no she didn't, that was just a fortunate accident! (para-quote)
Now the killer starts to chase the nerd about. But aha! This time he has committed one fatal flaw. The saw he's using is corded. D'ya see where this is going? So just about as the cord jumps out of it's socket the sheriff arrives (and I don't even want to begin to imagine the colour of his balls right now). In his hand is a fothermucking Peacemaker! He shoots the killer dead. Crazy psycho-bitch starts crying and screaming, but she is no match for the manly sheriff who by this point must be above pain. More police-officers arrive and take the body and crazy psycho-bitch away.
The nerd (whose camera has been running during the entire movie, and held by him at ALL times, by the by) is a bit shook up, but ok.
He goes back to his home-town (if he got to see Metallicide or not remain yet another mystery) and produces his little movie as a real porn. It wins awards because all the blood and fear looks so real.
He's got a fan-girl with him in his hotel-room and she thinks he can make a movie starring her now. And she thinks he could call it (and by the Gods above, I'm not making this up): Natalies Anal Adventures... In Her Ass!
And with that, the last secksings scene of the movie starts, and as you might have guessed, there's anal in this one (only one in the movie), but poor nerd dude doesn't get to stick it in the pooper, her dildo goes there, and only it.
Once the huffing and the puffing is done, there's a knock on the door.
Who could it be?
Why! It's crazy psycho-bitch!
She kills the nerd with one of her fathers magical tools.
And roll credits.
2 and a fucking half hours of porn.
I'm not kidding. This very awesome movie is 2,5 hours long!
And the dialogues are fucking amazing!

There.
Did you enjoy that Emmy?
Reasonable length (*snicker*) for you, Griffin?

And I know. This is already a critical wall of text, but a friend of mine just sent me this over msn, and I just have to get it out here (it's in norwegian): Clicky
For those of you who don't read norwegian, here's what it says: Disney has bought Marvel. One of the reasons Marvel did this was (according to one of the CO's): the Marvel characters fit so well with Disney...
Yes, I know I said most Marvel characters were a bit cheery and colourful a while back, but there's a fucking difference between the comical nature of Spiderman and Ariel, the little mermaid!!
THE END IS FUCKING NIGH!

Somewhere in the middle

2009-08-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

First of all, I cleared Arkham Asylum yesterday (normal difficulty) and am about to start on hard. Haven't really bothered with the challenges yet, but I'm sure I'll get around to it!

But on to the matter at hand. I'm sure most of you have at least heard of FMyLife.com. I do enjoy reading about other peoples misfortune and depressive lives, some of the stories (although I have no way of knowing if they're true or not) even make me go "damn! that sucks humongous ammounts of balls!", but rest asured that I'm still smiling on the inside.

But as I was Stumbling Upon various sites a few moments ago, I came across something rather... average. This one. Yes, it doesn't appeal to your shadenfreude, but some of these fantastically average stories are quite... awesome.

And my posts have been rather short of late. I think I need to dig up some obscure porn and rectify this...

You can almost see her butt!

2009-08-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I've been playing Arkham Asylum quite passionately for the last day, and so far I can't think of a single thing to not like about the game.
The fighting. Yeah, it can be tricky some times, but I like a bit of a challenge in my games. The detective part, combined with the free-roaming, is just awesome. The different upgrades and gadgets you get hold of just make the game better and better, it makes you want to re-explore old areas.

< SPOILER WARNING >

And I have never been more tense while playing a game than when I was down in Killer Croc's lair. The way they use corners was the freakiest part. Most of the time you can hear and see him when he is-a chargin'. But then there are those few times (and they seem to come around just when you've gotten used to the whole line-of-sight thing) when he's nowhere to be seen, but oh-so-heard. That's because he's gotta round that corner first. Which corner? Wouldn't you like to know!

Although it didn't freak me out as much, the Scarecrow sure did his part to keep me on my toes and to remind me that reality is something other people do. Gay people. And the fact that you don't physically fight him - it's all in your head - was very well made. And I'm not sure he's dead either (it could seem that way, but Batman villains have a survivability that would embarras Kratos).

I've fought both Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. The scene where they meet for the first time (in the game) also gave me some rather naughty thoughts and ideas. And in case you are wondering: yes, you can see Poison Ivy's butt, and you can almost see Harley's!! I know it's a silly thing to do, but I kept tilting my head, trying to get a better angle up her skirt.

I think I'm about to have a face-off with Joker, but when I look at the main-screen it says I'm 63% complete, but that could be collecting bonus objects and hidden areas included. Either way, I'm gonna be playing this game again. On hard.

< / SPOILER ALERT >

Here's to hoping Harley Quinn will be in the next Batman movie (of which I'm certain will be made)

Smug, smug, smug, smug, smuuuug!

2009-08-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

I just got back from town.
Right in front of me, there's a copy of Batman: Arkham Asylum.
But wait a minute, that won't be out until tomorrow, I hear you say.
Well, my room-mate works at a game store and he won't be home until 9pm. And, well, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drool on an x-box controller while trying to play the game.

*swoosh*

It feels longer... and shorter

2009-08-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today my girlfriend and I have been together for one year.
Being the hopeless romantic that I at least try to be, I wanted to take her out. Maybe go see a movie and go to an expensive restaurant (but fuck it! It's the woman I love!).
She just looked at me and said: Why don't we just get some take-away and snuggle up and watch Doctor Who or something?

I've had this hypothesis for some time now: Romance is subjective.
Take the heap of nerd-themed pins she got me from England. I think that is (very cute and) romantic as hell!

So we're gonna make tacos, snuggle up and watch a horror-movie.
Oh, how I love her!

The question often asked...

2009-08-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

...is why.

My dear sweetie has been in England with a friend for 6 days. She got back last night. She had a fantastic time and met lots of great people, and that was all I wanted for her aswell. But being the person that she is, she bought me some stuff(tm). A book I'm really looking forward to reading, some Star Wars, Batman and Thundercats (Hoo!) pins, a bitching pipe which I'm smoking right now, as a matter of fact (because I can, okay?) and finally a Dr Who action-figure and this tiny bottle of some caffeine-beverage.

It is for the last two items that I must ask some questions.
The Dr Who one is rather simple: should I open it and play with it from time to time (that, I can assure you, I will), or leave it in it's box and hope for potential geek-points in 10-15 years? I'm not asking because I'm expecting to get the answer here, but I can always hope. Both options are very valid for me.

But let's move on to the caffeine thingy.
It's a really tiny bottle, I can almost hide the entire thing in one of my hands. It says on the bottle that you're supposed to shot the drink, and that you should never do more than two shots pr day. And it also says in big, red letters to not mix it with dem alcherholes.
Now, I didn't sleep last night because... well, girlfriend gone for almost a week. You do the math! And I didn't sleep much the night before either, because I was up watching Torchwood.
So, in this state my mind is looking at these warnings and asks me: why?
*I* know it's a terrible idea and that I would probably end up running half-naked through the streets, shouting at people that their shoes are too slow or something.
But that really tired part of my mind really wants to know why I can't have (really) caffeine-flavoured alcherholes!

Oh! Next time, I'm coming with my girlfriend to England and we're stopping by this geek-store (which I can't remember the name of right now) and I'm getting me a sonic screwdriver, complete with sound-effects!
White and nerdy!

Makes me smile

2009-08-16T23:58:00.003-07:00

For those of you who have played Pandemic 2, and played it a few times:

Eyes full of sparkle!

2009-08-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

So, I just played through the painfully short (X-Box 360) demo of Batman: Arkham Asylum. It starts off with you delivering The Joker to the Asylum. He gave up almost without a fight (something you don't get to see, sadly). And gosh dolly! Would you believe he wanted to get there? Would you believe Harlequin is free on the inside and just waiting for her Big J to come back so they could have some fun? Would you believe I was sitting in my chair with a big dumb grin through the entire opening cinematic?
The answer to all of this is of course: fuck-fuckeity-fuckeity-fuck-fuck-FUCK YES!

The combat is very flowing and nice. It's not the same strike or finishing-move every time. The grappling-hook system works very nice and makes for some very, very, very nice and gleefull combat maneuvers. The detective mode was something that really took me by surprise. It let's you look for clues, movement of enemies, their numbers, their BPM (FFS!), if they're armed or not and grappling points. And from what I've seen in various gameplay trailers, you get more gadgets as the game progresses. But one of the coolest little features I saw was that if you play the stealth-game and take out enemies one by one from the shadows, the remaining ones will start to get nervous and shoot at anything that makes a noise. Like this one guy. He was the last of 6 people I had to take out, and I had done so with stealth and mind-fuckery. He was walking around very slowly when suddenly a nearby boiler started hissing, and he screamed and shot at it. And while he was standing there, talking to himself that he shouldn't jump at shadows like that, I was gliding in from the shadows and kicked him in the spine. Oh the glee!

And I am sort of glad that the developers based the game on the comics instead of the new movies. Like most of you know, I have nothing at all against the new movies, I think they really compliment the Batman universe, but since they follow the comics they can play around with the more supernatural enemies of the bat (since the movies are going for a more realistic feel). One of the villains I'm looking forward to facing is Poison Ivy (yum). I know it would kill me in horrible ways, but I would go Klingon on that ass.

And as I said, Harlequin is in it. Yeeeah...

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the full game! With sparkles in my eyes!

Curses!

2009-08-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm currently (re)^n -playing Dungeon Keeper 2.
It is, as we all know, the greatest computer game ever made.
I was about to finish off Keeper Nemesis (which I suspect does not have many friends), and decided I needed a break.
So I did some random Google-searching for Dungeon Keeper 3 and I found something I did not know:
EA (the bastards) disbanded Bullfrog.
I suspect they did this because EA doesn't like a happy fan-base.
Anyways.
Then they sold the rights to the Dungeon Keeper franchise to some chinese company (I don't know which one) and they are making a MMO out of it. And it will only be avaliable in Asia. Of course.

Not that I would play it, mind you. It seems most things are jumping the MMO wagon these days. The Star Trek one will be coming soon, and although it sounds fascinating, I think I'll stay away and keep my fond childhood-memories of the series (plural) instead. The DC one does intrigue me aswell. Read that as: the bad-guy parts of it. And Star Wars! Wasn't enough with one MMO for dear old George 'Satan' Lucas. He needs one with jedi and sith only too! Imagine a jedi raid-party, all of them saying cool stuff that young people say. Like 'lol' and 'l8r'. I tell ya, Qui-Gon will be turning in his non-existant grave.

So here I am, ripping slightly on the MMO culture and looking forward to the 40k MMO like a a pimp to collection-day.
Why, you ask?
Well...
Hmm...
Oh! Okay!
The grind thing, yeah?
It... works for the 40k universe because everything IS a grind!
It makes perfect sense!
That's why it will be the most awesome MMO ever!
I'm not saying this because I think Games Workshop win at life. And I certainly wouldn't give them my first-born if they asked!
<.<
>.>
*mad dash for the door*

Edit: Once my mad dash for the door was done, I went into the kitchen to get some coke and I heard something drop to the floor out by my computer. I'm listening to Judas Priest, and we all know that the only way to listen to the Priest is loud, so I couldn't really make out what it was. Anyways, I come back and start looking for said unknown object... and I can't find it. So I start looking around the room. Still nothing. Now my mind starts to fuck with me:
-Maybe it's finally happening; you're losing your mind!
-It was something alive, but big enough to make an audible noise when it hit the floor.
-SOMETHING CAME IN THE WINDOW! IT'S BEHIND YOU! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD, IT'S BEHIND YOU!
And if you're looking for answers then you're not going to get one.
I have NO frakkin' idea what it was!
But I have a hypothesis that it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh...

Show me what passes for prose amongst your misbegotten kind!

2009-08-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

So, a few weeks ago I entered a short-story writing competition for Black Library Publishing. The competition ended on July 27th (mah birthday, woooo!) and if I make it through to the next (and last) round I will find out in about 7 weeks tops. If I don't make it through I won't hear anything.
As you might have guessed, I'm pretty nervous. I'm not expecting to win, but I'm hoping. A lot.

Anyways, I'll keep you posted.

Land of confusion

2009-07-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

I got back from Denmark yesterday.
I've been there for a week, attending a LARP that I've been looking forward to for... well... a bunch of months.

We left last tuesday evening, sleeping on the ferry from Oslo to Fredrikshavn. Until now, I sensed no evil creeping up on me. So anyway, we wake up early, leave the ferry and drive (the surprisingly short way) to the larp area. We arrive and we're all tried and in awe of how kickass the larp-village looked. So we walk about for about 15 minutes and just bask in it's shine. Then we head up to the off-larp area and sit down to relax.
One of the GM's approach us and tell us in a snippy voice that we can't just sit around here and do nothing if we want breakfast. We have to earn it. As far as I know, none of us who went there mind helping out with various tasks at larps. If we can help, good! But before we could tell him this, or that there's no need to speak to us in that voice he was long gone.
So anyway, we get up and start cleaning the area and then we have breakfast, which (if you look away from the porrige, who I'm pretty sure you could use to mend concrete) was good.
People are now starting to arrive, we get our stuff to our houses and then there's the briefing, costume-check etc... We spend the last night before the larp just enjoying a few beers and having a good time. That was wednesday night.
I wake up thursday, the larp has started, and my throat is a bit sore. I thought it was just the danish beer attacking my swedish genes and put it out of my mind. I head down to the toilet-area for some urinal expulsion and to send a message to my sweetie.

Before I go on, let me just point out that I was playing the mayor of the town. It's the first time I've even played a character as "big" as this one and I was for once looking forward to playing the game of politics.

I start to head back up, as I get back into my house I notice that my nose is starting to clogg up. Still I didn't think much of it, blaming it on the moisture in the air. Now the town is waking up and soon it's time for the Guild to meet. I take my seat and notice my head is spinning slightly. Now a few bulbs are lighting up. I sit down for this meeting which lasted for an entire hour (if not longer) and say absolutely nothing, concentrating on not falling off my seat. After the meeting I walking around in a semi-trance, I don't really remember much of it. I remember lying down early in the afternoon, waking up about an hour later and asking my best friend if I have a fever. I did.
So I huddle up to the off-larp area and lie down.
That was thursday.
Friday.
Fever worse. Spend the day in bed. Met the rude guy who set us to work on our first day. I was sitting outside, getting some fresh air and he walks and starts talking. I can now say that when he's not pissy and rude he's not that bad to talk to actually (cue your "well duh!"'s). Could also be because he said the redeeming words: "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
Saturday. Feeling better, but it was raining almost all day. Had I gone out into that, I would have died! Went down to the kitchen to get some coffee and ran into one of the GM's. The GM's who was in charge of my faction. He got me a cup of coffee and I expressed my fondness for the beverage. He looked at me like I just stabbed his pet in the face. Before I tell you what he said after The Look, let me just say that whenever he spoke (danish or english) he did so with his tounge all around in his mouth. It's like it has to occupy every inch of it, most danish people seem to do this, but this guy was worse. So anyway! He said: "You don't think it's better than beer and pussy, do you?" And this gave birth to a new term of mine: Danish Douchebag. It seemed to fit him, and a few others on location.
So anyway, I spent 800 danish kroner to lie in a bed and cough for 3 days. And then on sunday when the larp was over, I got to help clean up! Yay!

So why did this happen? Well, it's simple. It was Denmark who did it to me. I say this because when it comes to Denmark, I'm the most objective person to ask in the whole gorramn world and the ghost of a girlfriend past has nothing to do with my completly serious opinion.
And it's such a weird country! It's highest point is 170.86 metres above sea-level. Back where I come from in Sweden, the highest point lies at 1,278 meters, and that's not that high by our standard! We used to climb the mountain (Sånfjället - "the sun fell") at least twice a year when I was a kid. And it only took us a couple of hours! Danish kids are the slowest in the world when it comes to starting to speak. It's because they don't have a language! They have noises they all pretend to understand!!

To para-quote Marilyn Manson: I like the LARP's but the LARP's don't like me.

The age-old argument.

2009-07-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Not the Star Trek vs Star Wars, I'll leave that for either never or fuck-all.

I'm talking about Marvel vs DC/Vertigo.
I just finished watching Spiderman 2. It's a good movie, not great, but good for passing the time when you're bored. And as the movie went on and on with various morale speeches and lectures, I came up with a metaphor depicting the two which I'm rather proud of.

But before I begin, let me say that I have absolutely nothing against either of them (I count DC and Vertigo as one, okay?). I've been reading comics from both publishers for as long as I can remember.
That being said:

Picture two present-boxes.
The Marvel box is wrapped in a pretty rainbow-coloured wrapping with a nice bow on it. Inside is a puppy. It's name is "You know what guys, I learned something today", or Gwylstik (which, in case you were wondering, is the best anagram based on the acronym of it's name I could come up with) for short.
Now, this puppy (like pretty much all of them) is not housebroke, and it might bark at night, but at the end of the day, you have a puppy!

Now then.
The DC box is made out of concrete with no wrapping.
When you open in a boxing-glove on a spring punches you in the face. Beneath it there's a bottle of booze and a note where it says: "Life sucks".
Yes, your nose is bleeding and life sucks, but hey, at least you got booze.

If this little metaphor (which I think I may have spent a little too much time thinking about) doesn't suit you, let me put it this way (and I'll use Batman for DC and Spiderman for Marvel):
When one of Spiderman's enemies wants him to come they will threaten innocent people.
When one of Batman's enemies (let's say the lovely Joker) want him to come, he will slaughter innocent people, video-tape it and then send it to the local news-station.

Once again, I'm not dissing either of them, I'm just saying they're rather different, for different moods.
Marvel has Jubilee with her fireworks-power and DC/Vertigo has Preacher with his "Go fuck yourself" comment.

Edit: And yes, I am aware that there are exceptions.

Sweat, baby, sweat!

2009-07-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine said it best in his blog. It's so fucking warm these days, my frakking teeth are sweating! Which is why I haven't posted anything in a while. Moving results in a +10 shower of sweat.
During the summer, you can't expect to not get sweaty when sitting in a black leather office-chair (like mine), and when you get up you get that lovely sound of softly ripping paper, but you know it's bad when you try and take off you t-shirt. Yes, I said try. It's especially fun when you actually concider giving up after 3 tries, because you just want to stop moving.

It doesn't help that there's something wrong with my right ear. I was home visiting family this weekend, telling them there's a mini-me on the way. My brother and I went swimming in lakes every day, just to cool down (here meaning: staying alive). Anyways, I think I didn't get all the water out after our last swim, and now I have had reduced hearing since monday on that ear. I went to the hospital to let the people who refer to their line of work as "practise" have a look. A lady doctor had a look, said it was due to that and that, go buy this and it should clear out. I've now been using the drug for 3 days and nothing.

By the way!
Here's what's in it:
Allantoin, etoxylerat lanolin, polysorbat 80, polysorbat 60, sorbitanpolymer, fruitossyrrup, polyoxyetylenstearyleter, polyoxyetylenoleyleter, liquid llanolin, isopropylmyristat, minkoil, fenetylalchohol, cetylalchohol, butylhydroxitoluen, sorbinacid, bensentonchloride and water.
Some of these names are in swedish as there is no fuken way in hell that I'm translating them to english.
My favorite is 'polyoxyetylenstearyleter', by the way.
It just rolls off the tounge, doesn't it?

As for telling the family the news.
Brother and sister congratulated me, as did my father.
My mom... well...
I'm not so sure she did. My dad's new woman congratulated me, and meant it (she treats me and my siblings with a sceptical look and a false laughter, but my dad is happy with her, and that's what matters). Even my mom's dude congratulated me, and he doesn't like me!
But yeah, my mom's reaction.
I was about as surprised as Khorne when a World Eater kills in his name.

I say!

2009-06-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

So, I've been re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia, just about finished with The Voyage of the Dawn Treader as I'm typing this.
One reason for me doing this is because I haven't read them in ages. The other reason is: I have to practise my bed-time stories now, don't I?
Hell, I'll be the first to admit I don't know shit about parenting, so I'll just stick to things I know. That being; fantasy, sci-fi and horror.
But yes.
Narnia.
When I last read them, it was in swedish. Since I usually only read books in english these days (with the exception of swedish and norwegian authors), it's in english.
They're still wonderful, but the language...
It's got me giggling to myself. Phrases like "I say!" and "By Jove!". Words like "gay" and "queer". And before you start, yes, I am well aware of the original meaning of the words, but it's more fun this way!
He also uses awesome, in it's original meaning. Book 3, Prince Caspian, Caspian and his gay band of Narnians arrive at the Stone Table. And the late C.S. Lewis describes it as an awesome sight.
My mind made this scene for me:
They arrive and one of them, let's say Trufflehunter, stands up on his hind-legs and says (in a sufers voice, of course): Awesome...
Helps me take my mind off the fact that I'm... going to be a dad...

This whole thing does wonders on the "fucking with your mind" part.
I can be sitting in my chair/couch, biting my nails and trying to realise that's there a mini-me coming soon.
And then I realise it's true.
Then it doesn't seem so bad.
Then it dawns on me... there's a friggin mini-me coming!
Then I have to make sure I remember to breathe and things like that.
Then my brain tells me not to think about it.
So I don't think about it.
Rince and repeat.

But anyway.
Dark Heresy is made of win, and I play (a tech-priest at the moment) with some friends in Oslo twice a month.
Last time was a good one. Made good rolls and made good calls during the entire session. Mostly anyways.
Towards the end we had, of course, used up all our good rolls. Which is not something you want to do when it's "boss-time". But that's not the reason I'm telling this. Boss went down (after we kicked his ass, that is) after a good while of ouch and scratch. Now it was time to go back to where he lived and search the place.
Small apartment.
The GM tells us to each do a search-roll (4 player characters). No one made it. Since it was getting late and we all had to go, our beloved and awesome GM (who would be even more awesome if I could have a Utility Mechadendrite soon-ish *wink, wink*) just told us to keep rolling until one of us made it. We ahd to roll 3 times each before two of us made it. We found some bloody robes in his laundry-bin and human fleshy-bits in the fridge. Actions like search, tech-use etc... takes about 15 minutes each in-game, we just spent (technically speaking) 45 minutes to look inside the fridge and laundry-bin. In a small apartment. So one of us said: "Right, if we spend another 2 hours in here, we might just find a Bloodthirster standing in the corner with a lamp-shade on his head."

Here's what I'll do!

2009-06-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

If I keep crawling on the walls, my thoughts can't catch up with me, they seem to avoid the walls for some reason.

I should probably explain, but first of all:
This is my 200th blog entry!
200 posts of utter nit-pickable crap.
Wooo!

Anyways.
I've told the people I've wanted to tell in person (that are likely to stumble across this blog, mind you). And now I'd figure I'll tell you guys the same way I told my good friend Jostein:
How are you? I'm going to be a dad.

About 10 panic-attacks each day, and a body that wants to sleep and a mind that wants to stay up forever, or vice versa.
Oh yeah, it's super-fun, ya'll!
And let it be said: I'm not going to turn into one of those people who think children are the future, nor will I start to think all babies are cute.
Just because there's a remote chance that I will like this one doesn't mean I'm going to start liking the rest of the (mostly ugly) poop and scream machines.

A nice blend

2009-06-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

If you, like me, enjoy both fantasy and steampunk (mostly the later), then I advice you to check out Rise of Legends.
It's kinda like Dark Crusade. Between each mission, you chose which territory to go to, reinforce your army/conquered land etc...
That, and you can build Clockwork Men and Spiders. And steam-tanks!
There's two other races, a magic-using desert people and something from outer space or something, haven't seen much of them yet. Think necron, only slightly more huggable and you're there.
Anyways, good game!

Creepy doll

2009-06-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

Joss Whedon is a very brilliant man.
A very, very, very, very strange man, but brilliant nonetheless.
Despite Dawn and her emo nature (although she does have her moments), I enjoy Buffy. I haven't seen much of Angel, but for the most part it seems to have the same kind of humour. People who don't like Firefly I tend to stare at for a great length of time. Then sigh and leave the room.
And speaking of Firefly.
What Joss Whedon did with that show was give himself a free ticket. Whatever he would make next, we (the fans) would watch it. I don't mean this as an insult; the man is a frakken (strange, really strange) genius!
Which brings me to Dollhouse.
I've watched the first season with my darling, and it is frickin' awesome!
It's got that perfect blend of creepy, sarcasm and awkward moments.
I can't say much more than: watch it!

Nice lady. Gloiven glaiven!

2009-06-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dry season for things to blog about these days.
Or so I thought.
The place I work at is run by a son and his mother. He's in his 50's, she's in her 80's. He's one of those elderly dudes with little to no sense of humor.
The mother.
Well, I was under the impression until recently that she was one of those generic harmless old ladies. Last week a black couple came in to the store to buy a refrigerator. They pick one out and pay for it. The old lady walks up to them (as in, right next to them) and says to me: "Fredrik, could you help these negroes carry this refrigerator out to their car?". I'm not sure if negro is the correct word here. The norwegian/swedish word is: neger. It's not quite as bad as nigger (and if you think I use that word as a racist, shame on you), but it used to have a lot of negativity behind it.
Let me put it this way: since she used that word while standing right next to the couple, I was sort of taken off guard.
Anyways.
5 minutes before closing time today, old lady and I were just sitting around and talking about the summer heat.
Which can go FUCK OFF AND DIE DIE DIE!!!
Suddenly she says that she doesn't go out anymire. At first, I assumed the heat took its toll during work-hours. But then she leans in and whispers: "It's because of all the foreigners coming here. Can't trust them."
Given her previous statement, I can guess what group of foreigners she was talking about, but I really wanted to lean in back and point out I'm one too.

But while we're on that subject, let me tell you about Junior.
I don't know his name, but it's a fair bet he's named after his father.
Anyways, he's from Kurdistan and he's the one delivering stuff from our store to customers who cannot take them themselves.
I've had the...... privilege of helping him do this twice.
On our first trip of joy together I learned that he's one of those people who actually shout at girls walking past the car. Such things as "Wooo! Work it baby!", and so on and so forth.
Our second trip together... he said something that I'm afraid I will never ever forget. Not even when I'm dead.
We were just done delivering and were heading back to the store when we drive by a training studio. Outside there's a couple of girls, who from the look of them were just done in there. He looks at them, makes a suggestive moan, looks at me and utters the (roughly translated) immortal words: "I love sweaty girls, you don't have to do anything. When they're that sweaty, it just glides in."
I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm equiped to reply to comments like that off the hook.
And he kept on delivering.
A few minutes later, he told me I should cheat on my girlfriend.
His logic, you ask?
Does this sound like a fan of logic?
Apparently, yes. Yes, he is.
I should do this because: there's 4 pockets in my jeans.
If you're waiting for an explanation, then you'll be waiting for a long, long time. That's it. That's his reasoning.

And while we're on Junior.
I can be pretty prejudice when I want to, but this is not one of these times.
He brings cousins over to help him work all the time. And they're always cousins. I've met 7 of them so far. I'm pretty sure there's more of them.
Today something rather strange happened.
Junior and 4 of his cousins were helping out at the store, moving stuff about to clear space and moving a few things out into the van for delivery. This is something I've helped with many times. Usually it's been me and one of Juniors' cousins (no, I don't know any of their names, because a) they never introduce themselves and b) none of them speak norwegian). Today there were 4 of his cousins. I was helping one of them move a refrigerator. As I was about to help him lift it one of the others walked over to me, said in bad english: "It ok, it ok" and took over.
Now, I know I'm not the most physical of people. I also know I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I'm not even sure I'm a knife. For all I know, I'm not even in the gorramn drawer, but I think I can recognise a metal penis meassuring when I see one.
I'm not complaining. I looked over at my boss (the dude) and shrugged. He shrugged back. I went into the office, poured myself a nice cup of coffee and surfed the web for a while. My boss joined me after a while. I told him he should think of getting a new display adapter, as the one he has now is almost illegally old. He told me to find a decent, cheap new one. I did. He asked if I could install it. I said I could. He ordered it. I had another cup of coffee and then I had that nice conversation with old lady that I told you about.
Hey, if they want to carry heavy shit around just because they have to confirm to their ego the size of their genitalia, I'm not gonna stop them. That pot of coffee isn't going to drink itself.

My bed is rather comfy

2009-05-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Add a girlfriend and it's even comfier.
My point is, I don't like getting up in the morning, those of you who have known me for some time can testify on this. What with the dragging me off a couch and onto a cold stone floor.
But anyways!
Now that I have a job, sort of, I have to be up at a certain time. My body does not agree to this. Said girlfriend has come up with a solution though, and I have this sneaking feeling that it's going to be super-effective.
She sent a song to my cellphone and set it as my alarm ringtone thingy.
It's that song Fairytale, by this thing.
HEADS UP! CLICKING THE ABOVE LINK CAN CAUSE BRAIN-HURTS!
Normally I tend to ignore "people" like him, but with this kid... you can't even go to the bathroom without being faced with 7 different stories about how he's in love with a girl and doesn't drink, and then 7 other stories with pictures of him clinging (groping, wouldn't you say?) to at least 2 girls or pictures of him with a vodka-bottle in his hand and a dumb grin on his face.
And I'm not even making the 7 different stories up. A few days ago there was 7 different articles about him on this norwegian news-site (www.dagbladet.no).
7!
7 different fucking stories about that doe-eyed douche who is well aware of his doe-eyes and the effect it has on women.
Most women anyway.
And he's always doing interviews in the tabloids.
I have this hypothesis about people doing interviews in the tabloids. If you do one, you fail. Further interviews only increases your level of fail. There are of course modifications you can do to alter your level of fail in a more favorable direction, but that's still in the beta-stage.

So anyways!
Back to what this post was supposed to be about.
By waking up to that song Faggytale every morning, I will feel no urge to get back in bed.
The number of crying children between my house and my work-place might increase heavily though.
But I think we all know kids today have forgotten how to be afraid of older people.
And I think we all agree that something must be done.

Edit:
And oh yeah!
This kid is 23.
The first line in his "oh my god so amazing song" goes: "Long ago, when I was younger".
First of all.
Long ago That expression belongs in history books and sagas.
When I was younger. That expression should only be used by people over a certain age. 23 is not that age.
At least not by this 23 year old.
Because he's a douche.

Fanboys

2009-05-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Right, those of you who know me well enough will know that I'm a big Star Trek and Star Wars fan. Yes, in-fucking-deed, I'm a trekkie and a jedi-freak. It can be done y'know. If I enjoy watching both of them, why should I settle for one of them based of what pasty basement-dwellers think?

And speaking of which.
I watched Fanboys with my sweetie a couple of days ago, and I enjoyed it. Mostly because you get to see Trekkies vs Jedi-freaks (ok, I don't have another suitable name for Star Wars fans, alright?!) do "battle".
William Shattner was in it, and as always, he delivered the rokkin'.
I was hoping to see George Lucas too (y'know, to verify that he does have a sense of humor and/or self-irony), but alas...

Anyways!
Unless you've spent the last year or so cashing deer with a broom, you know that there's a new Star Trek movie coming. First up, I've got a strong objection towards the guy playing Spock. He does such a good job at playing the evil fuck of horribleton that I now resent him by default. Second, take the trailers and remove Cpt. Kirks and Spocks name (by mention) and the images of the USS Enterprise. Would anyone know it was a new Star Trek movie, and not just yon average high-action sci-fi flick? I've been talking about it to some extent with a fellow trekkie (I know HARDCORE trekkies prefer the term trekker, but fuck 'em!), and we both agree Hollywood has done what they do best: add more and more action scenes, because everything is better that way.
Look at what they did to (the gorramn remake of) Narnia.
That worked out well.
You agree right?
Right?
Ok, I can't say this and keep a straight face...
My point is, if you want to get a new generation into something "out-dated", more and more action scenes is not always the answer. Story building and witty dialogue could be one road to take, worked as hell in Firefly. I'm just tossing out suggestions.
As for the new movie, I will most likely not watch it.

And as a last thing, something that made me smile.
I was just faffing about on the intarblag when a wasp flew in through the window. It came right for me (evil fucker), so I grabbed the first I could find and swatted it away (insta-kill, if you were wondering). Once I had disposed of the body in the back-yard, hid the shovel and came up with an alibi, I looked at my murder-weapon. The Ciaphas Cain novel "Duty Calls". On the front-cover Cain is firing at a tyranid.
Like I said, made me smile.

A cacophony of moving pictures

2009-05-11T17:55:00.000-07:00

Can cacophony be used to describe movies?
I think it should be.
At least when we're talking about Twilight.
As some of you will know, I have this thing about seeking out crappy movies and then watching them, and a frightening lot of them have been vampire movies. The two crowning examples here are, of course, Embrace of the Vampire and Dracula 3000.
But Twilight...
I will not say much about the things going on in that epitome of moving excrement, for it is done so better and more fun here.
I will point out a few things I happened to notice, but mostly I will talk about what watching it did to me (and let me tell you, it did some horrible things to me, things that would make Slaneesh giggle and clap his/her hands).

First of all:
ANY person who utters the phrase "chillax" needs to die in ways so horrible that it would reduce even the hardiest of commisars to rambling madmen.
I am talking, of course, about the "hip" gay (I could say meterosexual, but we all know it's the exact same fucking thing) asian dude.
Second:
When oh when did constipations and aneurisms become contagious? It is the only reasonable explanation that I have come up with that would explain the faces of every single "actor" in this piece of utter shit (with the exception of the dad, whom I had nothing but sympathy for).
Third:
VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE FOR THE LOVING SAKE OF FUCKING FUCK!

That sort of sums that up. I'm sure there were other things I wanted to bring up, but my memory is not the same after that abomination.
I'm pretty sure I have a couple of brain-haemmorhages, as well as spontaneous internal bleeding. I wouldn't be surprised if my penis started shooting blood with the force of a fire-extinguisher just out of spite....
I just realised how disgusting that mental image is.
Hokay, trying to rid that from my memory, which shouldn't be hard since I've now seen Twilight.
Right.
Moving along.
As my friend Martin pointed out, bewteen the mandatory huffs, sighs and groans, the movie has no merit what-so-ever. Unlike Embrace of the Vampire and Dracula 3000, this violation of human rights has a huge budget, screen-play writers (aparently) and a fan-base of millions of moaning teenagers (that, as I said in my previous post, should not moan like they do).
It is a waste of time, money and brain matter for those watching it.
It is beyond redemption, not even the most humble benediction could rid us of this blasphemy. And while we're on religious words, we should lay our swift and righteous retribution upon the people behind this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash myself clean...
Clean...
Clean...

So yeah

2009-05-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'll be leaving shortly for my two best friends.
We're gonna watch Twilight.
This could turn out to be the best Bitchy Monday in the history of... well, Bitchy Mondays.

I've been skillfully avioding this so called "movie" ever since it first came out. Mostly because of that story in the paper I read, where 14-15 year old girls were sitting the movie-theatre, moaning like no 14-15 year old should. Ever.
But also because I've heard the vampires sparkle.
No really.

So yeah.
I'll either return home, a sad and crying version of myself, or I'll find the people behind the movie and make them eat their own eyes.
It's 50/50 at this point.

And let it be known:
Gary Oldman makes the best vampire ever.
Quite sexy too.

Masu

2009-05-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

This post is mainly here to move my last one down a bit on the page *shudder*

Anyways.
We're still on 40k. And still on literature, though I strongly suspect what I wrote would not be classified as such.
Anyways.
I've been plowing through a lot of 40k novels lately; Ciaphas Cain, Gunheads, The Inquisition War (though that one sucked balls), Brothers of the Snake and Gaunt's Ghosts.

And if I may just side-track for a moment: Dan Abnett is probably the best 40k author out there. I know I've said this before (and before and before) here, but as I'm writing this I have read even mroe of his work, so my appreciation of him grows by the second.
Brothers of the Snake fukked ruled!

Still on Gaunts (Necropolis), but I think that one will be done soon too.
I've recently gotten hold of some music that I lost when my old computer decided to go fuck off and die. Machinae Supremacy is one of them, and a grand band it is too!
A group of swedes that got together and decided that metal music is good, but so is Commodore 64 music.
I was listening to them constantly while I read Ghostmaker (the second Gaunts book), and nothing else during the last chapter.
Now, this could just be me and my mind, but the song I'm about to link really fitted the mood of Tanith First-and-Only (and yes, I am aware the band probably didn't have Gaunts, let alone 40k, in mind when they wrote it).
I know some of you have read this, and I'm also guessing some of you will disagree, but anyways:

You have no idea how dirty I feel...

2009-04-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

So I fucking did it.
My story of how the Mutant Chronicles came to be.
Two little warnings, it's a wall of text, and reading it may cause you to want to kill me in many, many, many, many, many horrible ways.
Now then, that being said, here it is...

The Mutant Chronicles
It was a quiet and uneventful day on which we find the Omnissiah out for a stroll. Out for a CLANK-WRRRR-CLANK-WRRRR would be more truthful, but that's beside the point. It was on its way to the Lake of Oil. It was not named so because it consisted of oil, but because this lake was were dying oil haulers went to die, along with their precious cargo. The Machine God always liked strolls (you know what I mean) along the lake this time of year (autumn), the dying screams of birds covered in oil always seemed to soothe it. Some select few followers argued that this was due to some ancient “compilation error” (also known as a mistyped prayer among new initiates of the machine cult), but swapping said peoples beverages with sulphuric acid sure shut them up good.
It was on this day that the Omnissiah noticed a strange man sitting by the side of the lake. And very strange he was, he seemed to shift in and out of your perspective, sometimes he would be closer, and other times further away. Bananas? Had he just arrived or had he been there always? Though not afraid, it readied its deadliest weapon at its disposal, 'The Blue Screen of Death' and approached. Cautiously at first, but the stranger seemed harmless enough, so its last few steps were taken with confidence.
-”Greetings, stranger. Have you come to witness the birds embrace the blessing of oil?” It gestured towards a gathering of birds. One of the birds gave up a final “squawk” before falling over, dead. The Omnissiah smiled, glad that the oil had accepted the bird into its flock.
-”Well, well. What have we here?” His voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. He stood up and walked to stand in front of the Omnissiah, or had he been there all along? He eyed it up and down from all angles, even the non-existent ones. “Aren't you a peculiar one? What say you we take a walk together?”
-”Umm.” Cogs were working within the Omnissiah. “Ah! Engage in an ambulatory activity of indefinite length, depicting friendship amongst the participants. Yes?”
-”Why yes! Very good!” The stranger smiled with...wait, how many mouths? The Omnissiah beamed. This seemed to irritate the x amount of eyes of the stranger, so it decided to switch its front-lights off. The stranger smiled again and gestured towards a path leading into a nearby forest. They set off and walked in silence for a while until the Omnissiah decided to break the silence.
-”I am the Omnissiah, God of Machines.” It said in a voice a 5-year-old boy might have used when presenting his collection of dead frogs.
-”Oh, where are my manners! I have many names, but you may call me The Changer.”
-”A pleasure to make your acquaintance. Pray tell, does our current activity have a destination?”
-”Oh yes, we're meeting a friend of mine.”
They walked on for a while longer until arriving in a small clearing. There, clad in heavy armour, was a man with a rather inpatient aura about him. He was carrying an axe that looked like it could split the very air. When he noticed them approaching, he got up, started shaking heavily and screamed: “WWWWWRRAAAAAAAGLGLGLGLGHGHGHGHGHHHH!” and other such fun marching-chants. When he was done (he took his time) with what sounded like anally violating a T-Rex, he ran towards them.
-”I REQUIRE BLOOD!” He screamed with a volatile enthusiasm. The Changer eyes him with a smug look.
-”Yes, that's all very...”
-”DEATH FEEDS ME!”
-”Yes... Yes... Yes, I know, I know, I know. You tell me every day over breakfast.” He waved the Omnissiah over. “This is an old... hmm, acquaintance, yes... of mine. Like myself he has many names. You may call him The Blood God, but anything violent will do, I'm sure.” The mention of the Omnissiahs' name didn't calm the Blood God down, but it quieted him down a bit. The Changer waved one of his hands towards a derelict house on the other side of the clearing. “What say you we head over there?” The Changer and The Blood God grinned. The Omnissiah had seen this grin before, on its followers; when they told a joke were part of the punchline was “bigger pen15”. It had never really understood why someone would want 15 large pens, even less why someone would find it funny, but then again, walking fleshy bits were all so very strange.
The Omnissiah was the first to enter the building, it walked towards the centre of the one room and would have given a startling jump had it been able when the two other slammed the door shut. The Changer was the first to approach, he reached out his hand and stroked the Omnissiahs face. Something happened. The Changer didn't really pay it much attention, things happen all the time, always, in his presence. The Omnissiah could feel the change inside it, but things never stopped moving in there, so his main cogitator didn't take the time to process it fully, simply directing it to one of the lesser ones.
The Blood God was now moving towards them as well. As soon as he was close to the Omnissiah he knocked him to the floor. “LET'S HAVE SOME FUN! BLOOD!” He roared, dropping his leggings. The Changer followed his example. The Omnissiah could feel itself being restrained by invisible forces, as The Changer and The Blood God inserted something or other into various openings in its body. The were at it for hours and hours, the invisible forces altering his position every now and then. An old file buried deep within its memory said something about leaking fluids and emitting shrieks of horror when such occurrences happened. So it forced some oil to spill from its eyes and started emitting feed-back screeches. The Blood God seemed especially to enjoy this.
After many, many hours they were done and left the Omnissiah on the floor. It was very confused, not really sure why those two had done what they had done. It got up and headed home.

Five weeks had passed when Tzeentch heard a knock on the door of the house him and Khorne shared. He opened it to find the Omnissiah standing there, looking different somehow.
-”Hello, Changer. May I enter?” It asked.
-”Ah... Uh... Well, umm... I guess... so...?” A little put off, and even more confused, Tzeentch stepped aside to let the Omnissiah in. Khorne walked in from the kitchen, not noticing it at first.
-”Tzeentchy, how about we have veal for dinner ton... Ah... I AM THE DEATH LORD!”
-”Hello, Blood God. I trust you are not unwell.” The Omnissiah asked.
After many more awkward moments they ended up in the living-room. Khorne and Tzeentch sitting in a sofa, the Omnissiah preferred to stand. It was holding its stomach in a strange, affectionate kind of way.
-”Well, I might as well say it out right. I believe I'm pregnant.” It said. Khorne and Tzeentch sat there gaping for many moments. Khorne was the first to break the extremely thick and uncomfortable silence.
-”WHAT? YOU SAID THE OMNISSIAH COUNTED AS A DUDE, TZEENTCH! I AIN'T NO STRAIGHT HUMPER!” He howled.
-”Calm yourself, Khorne. I'm pretty sure the Omnissiah here is just confused.”
-”Oh no, I can assure you both. I have consulted ancient records on the matter, your love-juice has spawned our offspring within me.”
-”But how? There is nothing organic about you!” Tzeentch said, raising his voice with each uttered word.
-”My best guess is when you touched my face, Changer. Something changed within me at that moment.”
-”I... I... Oh...” Was all Tzeentch could manage. Khorne was scowling, muttering something about how Tzeentch was trying to trick him into leaving the “dude train”. The Omnissiah was looking at them both with an expecting look.
-”Well?” She said.
-”Well what?!” They both voiced.
-”What are you going to do? According to the records of an old tyrant on Holy Terra, a lady called Opaerah the Baby-eater, the man – or men – should be guilt-tripped into a relationship and forced to provide for you during your pregnancy and for at least 10 years after. So say Opaerah the Baby-eater.” If any machine has ever come close to looking smug, the Omnissiah was the one right now. Khorne looked like a guardsman with nothing but a kinda sharp rock up against a carnifex. Tzeentch was trying to find words, any words at this point, but they danced around him like a Harlequin around an especially slow ogryn. After many moments more, the Omnissiah mistook their silence for consent. “I'll move in tomorrow then.” She said with a victorious voice.

And that is exactly what she did. The whole situation was too weird, even for Tzeentch, to react normally – for both of them. The Omnissiah, or Omnie as she preferred them to call her, took up her own room, demanded strange oil and promethium cans in the middle of the night, sometimes more than once, and woke them up early just about every morning when she threw it all up, usually 5 meters short of their bathroom. But despite all this, Khorne and Tzeentch found themselves growing sort of... fond(?) of her. Not love, of course not. Dude, don't be straight, as Khorne would so very often say whenever Tzeentch brought the subject up.
And so came the day. They were all sitting in the living room, attending to whatever task they found pleasing that evening, when Omnie said: “Oh... I think it's time...”
-”What do you mean, Omnie? Oh...” Tzeentch said, as he saw the stream of oil leaking from between her legs. Both he and Khorne sprang to their feet, one looking for a direction to panic in and the other trying to come up with questions stupid enough to ask. This went on for some time until they calmed down, relatively speaking.
None of them knew how many hours had passed, but it seemed like an eternity. Finally Omnie stood up, oil leaking from creaks all over her body, spread her legs and squatted. She revealed her feminine bit, which looked like a small bio-mechanical meat-grinder, and pushed. Oil poured out like there was no tomorrow. She pushed one final time. “HHHHNNNNNNNNG!” Something metallic hit the floor. It looked like a movie-reel. Khorne picked it up, cradled it in his arms and walked over to Omnie, who had now fallen back into her chair, exhausted.
-”Omnie... it's a movie.” He said.
-”I... had... a... feeling...” She said, all out of breath.
-”What shall we call it?”
-”The Mutant Chronicles.” She said, smiling warmly. Or she would have, if machines could do such a thing.
All three looked down at the little wonder and knew that it would grow up to be something truly awesome.
And it FUCKING would.

There it is.
Maybe now my brain will let me sleep.

Post Gathering Ramblings

2009-04-20T04:00:00.001-07:00

So The Gathering has been over for some time now, this post is about a week over-due, but a mix of comfy couhces, snugglable girlfriend and sifting through what I managed to fill my harddrive with has taken up most of my time.

Anyways.
I watched Mutant Chronicles a (long) while back, enjoyed it greatly, but what 40k nerd wouldn't, with a movie stuffed full with 40k themes such as this one (like the 10 000 year old tech thingy, the kind that would make any enginseer squirt oil, followed by a cigarette and awkward moments the next morning). I've been meaning to write a little something about it, but find myself unable to do so. Then I went to sleep about 2 weeks ago and it came to me. I didn't want it to, but I didn't really have a say in the matter. C'mon, it's my mind we're talking about here. Anyways. I'm working on a short-story that, acccording to my mind, explains how this movie came to be. It's absolutely nothing serious and when I finally finish it and put it up here, I have this dreadful feeling that 40k fans will get the urge to track me down and set me on fire. With their minds. Since this is the case, I suppose I could just refrain from posting it here, but then a certain story about a frog and a scorpion comes to mind.

And speaking of 40k.
Ian Watson was the first dude to ever publish a 40k novel. It came out in 1990 and was called 'Inquisitor', following the wacky adventures of inquisitor Jaq Draco of Ordo Malleus. It was later renamed Draco and is the first of 3 books (along with a couple of short stories) that make The Inquisition War omnibus. I've read me a fair few 40k novels, only two of them was boring or was not to my liking. The first one is the Dawn of War omnibus (never get an Eldar fan to write a Space Marine series when there's Eldar in it, s'all I'm sayin'). The other is this one. The prologue was excellent, raising my hopes way too high. The first book stared off slow, and stayed that way until the end when one wacky adventure out-shone the next one. Book 2 was alright, I guess, kinda, whatever. The last one... ends in a cliff-hanger. The series has one character that I liked, and that was Captain Lex of the Imperial Fist. Now THERE'S a guy you can write stories about! But he alone does not make up for this omnibus, sadly.
Now, this series was published between 1990 and 1994. In 1993 mr Watson released another 40k novel called Space Marine. I haven't read it, and I'm not sure I want to. My point is, those are his only 40k novels. And the only ones there will (most likely) ever be. Because these days he enjoys writing pr0n. It says on his page that he writes erotic fiction, but we all know it's frakkin' pr0n. With boobies.
His latest novel came out in 2004 (I think), it's called Orgasmachine and if that wasn't enough, here's the best part: it's only avaliable in Japan. As in; other countries refused to print it. That should give you an indication of hos fucked up it must be.
When I found out what mr Watson does these days I was in the middle of book 3, and my first reaction was: "Ah, that explains a few things in this book."

The Gathering next year is gonna be rokkin'.
We're gonna try and bring some speakers, so that maybe, just maybe, for once there will be some good tunes there aswell. I don't really mind the "music" they play there normally, after 8 times there I can sort of tune it out on command. But when you think about it... isn't there a distinct lack of Lordi there?
Think about it.

Sorry about the convenience

2009-04-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

So.
Nerds are a funny creation.
Especially when it comes to toilet etiquette.
Whenever I go for a wee-wee (using the urinal), there's always a big line of nerds and related species waiting to get into the cubicles to go number 1 there.
The insecurity usually goes away around the age of 18, or when they grow balls.
When it comes to most of the nerds attending The Gathering, the first option is usually the answer.
But anyways!
Last night there were two people in the loo brushing their teeth, one of them had an electric toothbrush. He picked it up, tried starting it, and it wouldn't. So he decided to stand there for at least a minute, complaining about this, how it was less of a toothbrush now, it's autumn years had come and gone.
To semi-quote the late Mitch Hedberg; escalators can never break down, they can only become stairs. Sorry about the convenience.
He could have stuck that stick in his mouth, wriggled it around until white stuff came out of his mouth and be done with it, but no. That would be silly.
If you know what I mean.

In other news, there's a Counter Strike clan sitting opposed to us. Apparently they're good or something, because as I'm writing this, they have a fukken audience watching. Normally I would just scoff scoff scoff in their direction for playing a wanky game, but one of these... things has decided to be the team motivational speaker. And he's clearly taking inspiration from american football players (who use neither their feet nor a ball to play) when speaking:
-"YEAH! Come on guys! Get back in there!"
-"WAAAARRRRGHGBBBLLLBLBLBLBLB!"
And the like.
He has also (according to Tam the super-spy) voiced his clear dislike of MMO's and their players.
May herpes haunt his funny bits for all eternity.

So much glee!

2009-04-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

At The Gathering with friends, nerds and the rest of the species.
Will (most likely) post more this week, too full of awesome right now.

Woopsie!

2009-03-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

This is a rather old case, and I've known about it for some time. I've been meaning to write a little something about it for some time now, but you know... lazy and forgetful. Fantastic combination.

Anyways.
Mr. Obama had the irish prime minister over for St. Patricks Day, and then this happened.
Honest mistake, yes. But now it's surfaced that Obama has been using teleprompters all along his campaign.
This is expecially sweet because all of his supporters used to say what a good speaker he was, never using cards or anything like that.
That theory that my buddy Martin coined about Obama seeming like The Smiler is looking more and more plausible.
And the fact that he's already accused of, and I quote: "causing shit", we could be looking at a very interesting presidency.
If we're really lucky, people might snap and then people will start dying. By fire.

But on to something cute!
My darling and I were just lying in bed a few weeks ago, talking about how much fun The Gathering is going to be. And mid-sentence she bursts out (really): "Gravity!!"
Apparently that was the word she couldn't remember earlier that day. It finally came to her, and it made my heart jump.
Billy Connolly would have been proud.

K-kitty?

2009-03-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

As I'm pretty sure most of you know, I'm a huge 40k fan. HUMONGOUS as it were. Funny little side-story: Martin and I discovered yesterday that we used to like Warhammer Fantasy better, until we started reading 40k novels.
Dan Abnett may be crazier than two foxes glued together (like some MAD affront to God himself!!), but he does write bitchin' novels. Of course, there are other fantastic 40k writers, but none that I have come across that can hold a candle to mr. Abnett. If you know of a more bad-ass inquisitor than Gregor Eisenhorn, please tell me (because that is one book I really want to read)!
Anyways, I digress.
I have for a long time now been a slave to Lexicanum. That 'Random Page' clicky is mighty dangerous.
And that's where this entry comes into... the... entry.
Forget I said that.
Anyways!
I came upon a very unlikely article.
Or perhaps it isn't... just unexpected.

Now which part of that article was saddest for you?
I knew my girlfriends answer, and I love her to bits!

L...a...g...

2009-03-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

So, my roommate and I get our internet from some person living close to us. And let's just leave it at that. We get internet, but for things like World of Warcraft it can be a bit laggy.
Normally I don't mind all that much, since we're talking about a few seconds lag once in a while. But sometimes it's enough to make me want to pull my own scalp off.
And today I hit a new high/low: I was doing Violet Hold and Drak'tharon Keep with 3 awsum people, and my latency was up to about 3,5k (and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then let me just put it this way: it could take up to 2 minutes before the game registered that I pressed a button). But I endured, because of the awsum people.
But anyways, my new high/low.
It was during the Drak'tharon Keep run that I poured myself a glass of coke and this is what my brain actually said to me: "Right, now just wait a minute for the coke to start pouring."
Oh yes.
I felt sort of sad after that.

The awsum threat without

2009-03-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

When it comes to the xeno races in Warhammer 40k I tend to wrinkle my nose. The Dark Eldar are ok I guess, I just don't know much about them. Necrons are made of cheese, the Tau are mildly annoying and the Eldar...
Well...
Pretentious, arrogant, holier-than-thou shitfaces every single one of them.

However!
The Orks.
Let it be known that the Imperium (and their armies) and the Space Marines kicks a gigantic ammount of buttocks, but has there ever been a society as perfect as the 40k Orks?
So since the last post were more of the "causing you to lose even more faith in the human race" kind of thing, I thought I'd post something to make you smile for a change.
So I found a bunch of Ork quotes from friends, forums and stuff like that.
Enjoy!

"Travellin' through space is boring. Well, boring unless da hulk yer on is full of dem gene-sneakers, or a base fer da Chaos lads wiv da spikes, or already has boyz on it. Or if humie lootas come callin', that's always good fer a bit of sport. Or unless yer have a mutiny or two to pass da time, or unless strange fings start happenin', which dey usually do when yer out in da warp. One time we had some bloody great ugly fing come strait out of Wierd Lugwort's 'ed! It butchered half da lads, that was pretty entertainin'. Come ter fink of it, space is a pretty good larf. And that's before you find yerself a nice new world ta crush!" - Bigmaw, Ork Runtheard

"Oomans are pink and soft, not tough and green like da Boys. They'z all the same size too, so they'z always arguing about who's in charge, 'cos there's no way of telling 'cept fer badges an' ooniforms and fings. When one of them wants to lord it over the uvvers, 'e says "I'm very speshul so'z you gotta worship me", or "I know summink wot you lot don't know, so yer better lissen good. Da funny fig is, arf of 'em believe it and da over arf don't, so 'e 'as to hit 'em all anyway or run fer it. Wot a lot of mukkin' about if yer asks me. An' while they'z all arguin' wiv each other over who's da boss, da Orks can clobber da lot." -An Ork Boy's view of humanity and its failings (Codex Orks, p40)

"Killboy. 35 missions flown, 35 replacement Fighta-Bommerz, an' 35 major bionik surgery procedures.
67 Konfirmed kills, includin' 43 actually belongin' to the enemy--

'E may 'ave been a total madboy, but 'e knew 'ow to get the job done."

~Kommander Uzgob (AKA "Maverork"), Deff Skwadron.

"Oy, iz dis fing on?! Yeah, dis here 's a message for da' grayskin bosses an' their kroot. If'n you're gettin' any pictures wiff dis fing, you can see wha' we done to your kroot over dere. They's all ded an' making for nice decorationz on me new boss-hut. If'n you're not getting da picturez, just take one of da kroot near you an' rip 'em in half. 's like dat. Dis here is Hedkrakka's land now an' we'z all coming to see you'z next! I need some grayskins for me boss-hut!" - Some Ork Warboss, couldn't find a name to go with this one