Take a big bite

A long while ago my friend Jostein sent me a link on msn. It was for a review about the movie 'Teeth'. After reading for about 3 minutes I was speechless (and just let it be known: I never finished reading that review, because I couldn't, I just couldn't). Speechless and extremely curious. I told him this, and his reply was that I should watch the movie and do my own review.
Well, dude...
Guess what I watched today?
You have any idea how much mental pain that movie caused me?
You want a review?
Oh, I'll give you a review.
I'll give you a review that'll keep you up at night, crying, whispering your long-lost teddy-bears name - because of that comforting and reassuring feeling it used to give you during those extra dark nights when you were a kid.
If you have a nice relationship with penises, then I suggest you don't read this, unless you're Jostein. If you don't read this I'll keep my Hecuter holstered from now til death.
*wink*

SO!
Teeth.
First of all: ALL men are rapists and/or perverts.
Vagina Dentata (look it up if you will, it's there).
We start off with a family, or more precisely: two families about to become one. A father and his son (Brad), and a mother and her daughter (Dawn). The son being a few years older from the look of things. The kids are in this tiny pool while their respective parents sit close by, sipping some kind of OHGODTHEIMAGES ICANTDOTHIS!

...

Anyways.
They're sitting there, sipping something or another.
It's clear the son is a brat, not just because he makes it perfectly clear that the girl sitting next to him is NOT his sister and because he is under the impression that you can talk to adults any way you want (shoot kids like that in the face, will you please?) but also because he's got really bad teeth.
But the movie isn't about teeth like that.
No no.
So let's get right to that.
When the grownups are busy smooching the son pulls his swimming-shorts down (don't worry, all you see are their backs) and then says: "Now let's see yours." Since she looks to be about 4-5 years old, she shows the judgement of a... 4-5 year old and does it. Next thing you know, the boys finger is bleeding. So he stuck his finger up this step-sister-to-be's sniz. It just seems wrong to me, but oh-don't-you-fucking-worry, it gets better.
Next scene, it's hrmerm years later and Dawn is giving a speech about abstinence at a "The Pledge" meeting.

Sidenote: I might write about THAT gang some other time. All I will say for now is that they did a study which shows that teens who take The Pledge are 6 times more likely to engage in oral sex and 5 times more likely to engage in... anal.

Anyways.
At first I thought she was a Pledge moron because she's got a snooch that can Just Say No for real real, but no, she's there because she genuinely belives that the smartest thing you can do to your hormones is to suppress them. Because you'll be a more healthy grown-up that way. Because God says so.
So anyways, there's a douche (Tobey) there looking at her with those "Mmmm, I want to do her in the butt" kind of way. He's new at the school and when they meet after her speech she looks at him with that "Mmmm, I hope he wants to do me in the butt" kind of way. Later on she heads on home and we find out her mom is fatally ill, her step-dad loves them both and if it got any more wuvly you could just throw up.
Que the step-brother. He likes trash metal, has at least 5 tattoos and likes to do chicks... in the butt. He apparently has a fear of the puss, which he can't explain, funny that. He also has a Rottweiler called Mom (I think), which I'm sure Freud could have a blast talking about.
So anyway, Dawn at school. It's apparently pretty obvious that people know of her Pledge because an unusual number of students come up to her with various cherry-flavoured sodas saying "Pop that cheery, Dawn!", and all this time she's got that Christian Tranquility look on her face, even when she's terrified (which is really hard pull off, but she does it amazingly well).
Sex-ed class.
Awkward teacher with christian tendencies; he's reluctant to say the word 'penis' and refused outright to say... 'vagina'! There's even a big golden star above the picture of the meat-pocket in the book. All the books. Because the school-board doesn't want the kids exposed to that kind of filth. And this is a fact in some states. For real real, not for play play.
Dawn thinks this is a really keen idea, because women shouldn't have to see that, because they're of a more innocent nature by birth (ha-fucking-ha, make me gag and laugh at the same time, why don't you). Douche-Tobey backs her up of course.
Cut to evening, Tobey and Dawn and their two christian friends Humnehum and Hrmhrm are going to the movies. They stand outside the movies and they discuss the PG-rating of various movies. They're thinking of seeing one, but they can't because it has, and I can't believe I'm quoting this but: "...it has heavy kissing."
They end up watching a cartoon and it gets REALLY awkward (hands touching and shit) for Douche-Tobey and Dawn, but Humnehum and Hrmhrm actually kiss on the mouth once!!! AMAGAD!!!
So now Dawn's at home, in bed. Having what I would call "rather un-christian thoughts about the Douche", he's wearing tuxedo-pants and nothing else, she's on a bed that looks like it belongs in a porn-movie, wearing a wedding-dress, touching her nether-regions. Oh yeah, suppressing hormones is healthy as fuck.
The next day they go for a drive. Up to a lake where youngsters come to fuck eachothers brains out. In that youngster way that they do. It seems a bit self-sadistic for these morons to come there. But you know, anal and oral. Fuck yeah. So Douche-Tobey and Dawn start sharing stuff. The Douche confesses that he did beat his bishop once, a year and a half ago, and he's still living with the shame and you just want to slug him. He says he understands if Dawn now resents him, but no, not miss braindead over here. She says, and I fucking can't believe I'm quoting this: "You know the dangers of temptation first hand."
At some point or another during this part of the movie we get introduced to the brother Brad and his girl who has to take it up her chocolade-termos because her "perfectly good pussy" (these quotes make me cry) is not something he wants to tap.
If you're sitting there thinking "Well, this isn't so bad. I mean, it's bad, but not gross.", have no fear.
Dawn has a conversation with Brad where we learn that the reason he's so cold towards her is because he's been wanting to tap her for ages. And now they're legally siblings. Not biologically, but still... wrong?
So now she's all confused and sobby, so she decides to take Tobey for a swim and the fuck-and-suck-lake. So they get undressed, tell eachother they've had dreams about eachother where they wear less than clothes, get in, start kissing, stop kissing, start kissing again, Tobey touching Dawns boob, Tobey stops touching her boob because that is a sin. They hold hands and look into eachothers eyes the way only REALLY HORNY teenagers can and say to eachother: "Purity. Purity. Purity.". So they swim off to a cave behind the waterfall (oh, it's fucking beautiful there, I'm serious). And there's a sleepingbag there, and a frequently used one at that, I'm guessing. They start kissing again, Tobey gently pushes her down on her back while carefully placing himself on top of her. At this point Dawn realises that she doesn't want to. Tobey dun like dat. Tobeys Frostspire want enter female Gates of Attrition. And it is at this point that he screams "I haven't jerked off since easter!". 1) Stupid fucker 2) Sort of throws that whole haven't-jerked-off-for-a-year-and-a-half thing of his. So anyways, he smashed the back of her head against the rock floor and... now he sees his chance for his penor to enter the well-oiled silky road. And it does. She comes around, and now she realises she REALLY doesn't want to, but Tobey keeps telling her: "You're still pure! You're still pure!". So now we know, rape doesn't count.
But yes...
Now we arrive...
*chunk*
*Tobey gasps*
*Tobey screams*
At this point Tobey pulls out of Dawn.
He would if he could, at least.
He just sort of moves away.
So now he's on his knees a few feet away, screaming. Dawn's still on her back, screaming too. The camera switches between the two screaming faces for a while and for a tiny hopefull second you think to yourself that maybe, just maybe you're not going to see more than that.
But no.
Like The Jokers disappering pen trick you only get to see a second of it, but it sticks with you for the rest of your life. Tobeys' crotch looks like it was mauled by the Menstruation Monster. And... then you get to see the Shattered Longsword. He looks down at it... well, the same way any man would: total and complete horror. He dives out into the lake, and then he was never seen again. There was a theory in the room that he went off to become The Dongless Hermit (who's from Cornwall, for some strange reason): "Oh, thy downt wanna be goin' 'rownd thuyrr, the mayle be losin' his shlong dowyn thowze purtsss".
So yeah.
But that theory gets shot down later on.
So now we get to see... the Broken Lightsaber. Oh yeah, it's the warrior of the pants with a painfully anatomically correct bite-wound. It's like they shoved a man into a meat-grinder... lying on his back... and decided to stop when there was only about 3 inches of the thing left.
So anyways, Dawn heads on home after a while and she's looking... mildly disturbed. Like you do. Next day she's giving another speech at the Pledge thingy. After mumbling for a while, she admits her quivering bunny-nose is no longer a member of their special little club. Their reaction is very similar to that of the unicorns from Charlie the Unicorn: "Shun the non-believer! Shuuuuuuuuuun!", in that very christian way that they do. They have a Pledge party later on, she's there, but she's sitting in a corner because she's being shun'd. So a douche (from now on called Douche 2) from school just happens to show up and offers to comfort her. She's not really listening, she just wants to get home. Since he's craving the meat-wallet he's happy to drive her. But of course he doesn't get any.
She goes home and looks up genital mutations on the intarblag, and she comes across Vagina Dentata. And yes, it's a real myth that's been around for quite some time. For real real.
So now she heads off to a gynecologist because she "thinks there's something wrong". Oh yes, she said it. He has a look with that metal flappy-spade-thingy that all women I know claim to be extremely cold. Everything looks fine, he says, so he takes one of his gloves off and lubes up the hand (something he shouldn't do, right? I mean the glove thing). And so... he starts fisting her. 4 fingers. Again, that's not something they do, right?
*chunk*
Aaaand he's stuck.
Aaaand he's trying to get lose.
Making this look like a really interesting fist-fucking scene (which I guess it is, really), but anyways, he finally breaks free, and so does his 4 fingers. Their plan of escape was quite brilliant, actually. Being launched out of a meat-grinder (ba-dum-dish) got them a lot closer to the door. Alas, they forgot that on their own, they have no way of acquiring horizontal velocity.
So the dentist starts screaming "Vagina Dentata!" over and over again. Dawn... gets the fuck out of there.
She gets home, finds her mother on the floor, passed out, probably dying, and... this is the classiest scene in the entire movie: her brothers door is open, she looks inside and there he is, fucking his girl - in the brown eye - with death metal blasting on the speakers... with his (step)mom on the floor, 10 feet behind him. Now that, let me tell you, is top grade class.
Dawn and her step-dad take the mother to the hospital. After a while her father (I call him that, because he acts like one) tells her to go home and get some rest. But she can't go home, her rump-pumping brother is there.
So first she goes back to where Douche 1 and she had their little misadventure. The cops are there, and they've found the body.
So she goes to Douche 2 because she "has nowhere else to go". So she takes a bath at this guys place, he comes in and offers her some pills to help her relax. She takes them without thinking twice, which is always a good idea. She shows up later in his room (which is in the garage). He's lit a lot of candles and put on some shag-music. He's even opened a bottle of champagne (the wrong way, I might add). This is clearly a guy thinking about the fact that her mother could be hours away from death. But since she took some pills, she doesn't mind. She lies down in the bed and semi-passes out. Next scene, they're both naked and he's fondling her fun-bags.
Clearly a gentleman.
Anyways, they have sex and... nothing happens.
He conquered the barbed wire entrance!
Next day, she's gone from innocent christian girl to slutty. Now she's walking around topless, got that "I like fucking A LOT" look on her face. And so they do. Fuck again. And Douche 2 gets a call while they're doing it. He answers. It's his friend. He won the bet. Oh yes. He bet he could tap her, and he did. Dawn no like that. Her man-eater (ba-dum-dish) no like that even more.
*chunk*
Now she doesn't have a terrified look on her face (very much unlike Douche 2), but more of a "*sigh* Not again..." thing going on. She gets up, GTFO's and then we get to see the remnants of Douche 2's Willy Wanker. It looks like a couple of ketchup bottles abused a salami with sledgehammers. 2 sledgehammers each. They keep one hidden in their jackets.

Sidenote: I was watching wrestling with my two best friends earlier, and like any normal person, Tripple H was walking around with a sledgehammer, but he kept a spare one in his jacket. Just in case he needed it, which he did.
That poor car...

Anyways!
Salami (a very small one) abused by ketchup bottles. A salami squirting blood, I might add. Douche 2 hits the intercom switch, and in a very broken voice says: "Mooom?".
Back at the hospital.
Mom is dead.
Dawn is crying, while her dad is back home, talking to Brad (which is a really dorky name, let it be known), saying he should have kicked him out years ago. They get into a fight, dad's winning but then Brad sticks Mom on him and since dogs, unlike most people, are not afraid to use their teeth and nails, the fight is not looking good for dad. Brad basically throws him out of his own house (with a nasty flesh-wound on his throat).
Back at the hospital Dawn run into her father, notices the bruises and wound... and now she knows what she has to do... step-brother's gonna get a happy-fun-time he's never gonna forget.
So she goes home, puts on some make up (which she does really well, for someone who normally doesn't wear much) and a white dress... and then enter her step-brothers room. It's not long before they're getting funky with it. But the problem is he wants it doggy-style (which there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with), but she turns over on her back... oh yeah, she wants to look him in the eyes when the dinkus enters the winkus. And so it does. And he quickly realises something wrong and that he should have sticked with the pooper. But she holds him in place until
*chunk*
He's trying to gasp and scream at the same time while she just stands up on the floor, face him, spreads her legs a little and squats out half a solid snake WITH A FUCKING PRINCE ALBERT AT THE TIP!
And then Mom gets out of her cage.
Oh yeah.
There's meat on the floor.
Mom picks it up... sit down... and then eats it.
She leaves on her bike (which has those clickety-clackety things on, I forgot to mention (the bike aswell)). It breaks down along some highway road, and so she holds out her thumb. A few moments later a car pulls over and she gets in.
Later on, when it's dark, they pull over behind a gas-station and we find out the driver is an old bald man. She wakes up and tries to get out, but he's locked the doors.
And... uhm... he starts flicking his tounge at her. In that REALLY disgusting way that only men over 70 can do. She tries to get out again, but alas. She looks away for a moment then... aha! An idea! She turns to him and smirks.
And that's it.

I'm pretty sure I've forgotten some scenes and/or lines, and I know I fucked up on the chronology of the scenes I did write about, but I'm convinced my brain is trying to chop this movie up into bits, shove the larger bits out of my ears and hide the small ones in places I don't normally look.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have sex.